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This is a freewrite journal done in disassociative stream-of-consciousness style. |
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This is a freewrite journal done in disassociative stream-of-consciousness style. It is meant to be both abstract and technically imperfect. Its purpose is to capture the creative essence and those semi-conscious psychological clues behind my writing, and to help unstopper the creative flow. It focuses on emotional, visual, or other sensory fragments, and does not concern itself with structure or grammatics. You may view my first attempt with this style here:
Background Explanation "Stream of consciousness is a style of writing that is uninterrupted, unedited, and unstructured. Typically, a journaler approaches the blank page without intention--then simply waits for something to come. Once you begin writing, don’t try to make sense of it—just keep writing, ignoring any questions or comments coming from your mind. Remember, this isn’t a mental or literary exercise, but rather an opportunity to give voice to the inner you." (http://rubyward.com/article10.htm) "To start a stream of consciousness exercise, sit quietly in a room with nothing but a pen and paper. Put your pen to the page and start writing whatever comes to your mind. Now it doesn’t matter if it makes sense, if you write in complete sentences, if you use correct grammar, complete a thought or just make noises! Just keep writing, no matter what it is that comes to your mind. " (http://www.essortment.com/all/streamconscious_rbwd.htm) Here are my own personal rules, which I intend to follow: 1. Write for a reasonable length of time, on average 5-10 minutes. This time must be uninterrupted and during which I will attempt to "stay in the zone". 2. Revise the writing. Revisions must be made straight after the writing. I will not correct any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, as that would defeat the purpose. But I will focus instead on completing the thought process of what my mind is trying to say while it is still fresh. (Inspired by: http://www.robotii.co.uk/archives/2008/05/23/stream-of-consciousness-writing/) To learn more about about this style of writing, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness_writing |
| Busy, clutter, stacks of paper. Life continues whirling around like a wind devil. Sometimes I feel like a wind devil rolled about in my office, by the apparent organizational tumble of things. Need to sort out that old mail, need to pull out the confidential pieces for shredding, need to get a handle on my list of things to do. Prioritization! One single word for such a complex task. Best not to look at the whole picture all at once or it might be like that 'glimpse into eternity' thing where your mind just kind of blows up and stalls out. I seem to have a millions little to-do items all randomly flying about in my mind. Sometimes one passes in front of my eyes and then, no sooner thought of, it flits away again. How am I supposed to get anywhere when as soon as I figure out what to work on something else comes up? Meetings, visits, phone calls... So much going on all around. Maybe I'll just set it all aside and go for a quiet walk. Nothing to think or worry about in the woods. Just a rustling breeze, the big blue sky with its fluffy white clouds, and me. Well...and occassionally a squirrel or butterfly. How nice to just sit on the old picnic bench and let the timelessness settle over me. Then the reluctant trudge back to my office. Phone ringing, office chattering, there's the "ding" of my I.M. Well I'm back to my little hampster wheel, spinning and spinning in place. I wonder what really is the point? |
| Papers, sketches, everywhere. Ink and charcoal smudges across my fingers and clothes. A dash of red, a dash of blue, and green and orange--a mix of hues lightining the stark white of the canvas. A vivid, two dimensional universe, crawling out of my hands. No that line's not right, a little rounder on that side. This one should be a little longer. Ok, now mix the umber in. Then the delicate part... careful! Just a small touch there. If you don't get the eyes right, it's all for naught. Working, slaving, driving. Day after day, unending. Night after night, my only saviour is exhaustion and a disheveled tumble into my tangled sheets; But still my mind won't stop working it out; a little more shading here, a little more blue there. An imperfect image in my head. In sleep the images rolling around feverishly in my dreams. At daybreak the anxious energy wakes me clear-eyed and revved to go. Muscles aching, it starts again. Until finally, the timelessness retreats and a normal measured time begins to reassert itself upon me and my existence. There is a surge of brief satisfaction, but the triumph is suffused by weariness. And then I sleep. As I arise, my mind rejects the covered canvas as the daily routine of normalicy reasserts herself and I eat a hot breakfast, vaccum the house, get my mail... When finally I am at rest and my body is refreshed, I approach the spattered sheet. Uncovered, it is some miracle of strangeness. Someone's beautiful creation. Who is she, this kaliedescope, crafted with such fine detail? Her eyes meet mine with a perfect expression of light, teasing amusement. Is she real? I stand amazed, wondering. |
| I am still happy. It is still a beautiful day. Even if there are lazy people who would take your GPs and run with no explanation. I tell myself to remember those who took the extra time and care to provide support. Whether by critical review or gentle suggestions, I appreciate their honesty and insights. And I firmly renew my own committment to grant others the same care and effort in my feedback to them that I would hope to receive myself. And maybe it's for the best anyway; Maybe this serves to remind me of that. And maybe I should have some understanding; for those who are ignorant don't always intend harm. It is only a lack of thinking that causes their callousness. At least this is what I tell myself, and I do believe it, deep down inside. Still I feel better having vented some of my disgust. I guess I have gotten away from the pure abstract rambling style that I first intended to use here, but with freestyle, I figure you have to go with what is in the mind at the time and not censor it. Otherwise you invalidate the entire purpose. Besides, I am sure that freeflowing love of creative, random imagery and emotion will return when I am properly inspired. |
| It's a beautiful day in my neighborhood. I really love Sunday's; it always seems like the sun shines a little more and the wind is a little softer. I feel so invigorated and new. I know traditionally folks tend to think of Monday as the start to a new week, but not me. I think Sunday is the true new beginning. I love to get up and ready for the day and then just meander around. Whether I go walking in the park or over to Starbucks for a white mocha and some writing, it's all good. So yesterday I wrote a little impromptu story for a daily contest I found. I really liked the contest; it gives a daily prompt at noon, and then you have 24 hours to write up a story to submit. The focus is on creativity over technical structure and rules. Since I am currently working on ways to release myself from the constrictions of rules and traditional ways, this was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. And I think I stumbled upon a nice little story in the back of my mind just waiting for this opportunity to be told. hopefully I'll be able to develop it even further. Although right now I keep thinking I need to finish my 'Magic Whiteboard' story which my friend who inspired me to write is anxiously waiting to read. The last couple of weeks have been remarkably productive for me writing-wise. But now more than even I am feeling the need to free myself from normal daily responsibilities so I can pursue this hobby more fully. But, like a lot of writers I suppose, I can't justify writing full-time. I need to provide an income, at least for now. I am hopeful, though, that my boyfriend Dan will soon finish his MBA (graduation is in mid-August) and once he is working, maybe I'll get my chance. Well, until then, I shall continue to grab what snatches of time I can find. |
| When reading through some random blogs, I came across one who asked the question: "*** Are you willing to be submissive towards the one you love? ***" And in response, I wrote the following comment which I wanted to preserve for myself for later reflection... My personal priorities are: 1. Love and follow God. 2. Respect yourself, take care of yourself and assure your own happiness first. 3. Do the same for those you love. The reason I order them in this way is because I believe that you can't effectively love someone or care for them if you are not happy and healthy first. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Being "submissive", as others here have mentioned, is a subjective term. The term "compromise" has also been mentioned. For me, I believe it is fine to be "submissive" and good to "compromise" just so long as you don't harm yourself or others in the process. There is a difference between helping others and "enabling". Enabling is when you re-enforce negative behavior which is ultimately not positive or healthy for either party. For example, are you really helping someone by waiting on them hand and foot, allowing them to berate you, or constantly giving in to their needs over your own? Are they a better and happier person because of your sacrifice? In a healthy relationship, you give and you take from each other. There must be a balance in order for each of you to continue growing as people and moving towards being better and happier humans. How you define your individual roles is unique within each relationship. Sometimes you just have to step back and ask yourself, "Are we helping each other more than hurting each other?" or "Am I truly happy overall?" At least, this is the realization I came to. |
| wanting to leave these fettered chains, wanting to leave the constricts of time and society behind. what is work? must it be unpleasant? why can it not simply be an application of effort, that might also be pleasurable? aren't there some people who are happy in their work? why do I not encounter these people? is there something in mindset, something in my perception which also restricts me from this potential freedom? I must find a way to re-prioritize and leave the structured world behind. To live, to breathe, to fly through the multi-colored ribbons of space-time where ideas are all that are reality. to ponder, to philosophize, to lean my mind to matters of curiosity rather than application. ah! this would bring satisfaction! and yet I fear the freefalling non-confines of such a structureless life. I must have balance in life, balance in my approach to intellect, emotion, sociality, toil but both physical and in conscience. Oh the mysteries of life and science, the thoughts of greatness. Do we not all yearn to reach those lofty heights? Does not each of us crave and desire this ... summary thoughts: - desire for freedom from convention and social expectation - balance in all aspects of self-- mental, spiritual, physical, social/emotional - drive for self-expression and ability to impact |
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