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My thoughts... for what they're worth. |
| ...(hopefully) daily ruminations that add up to 500 words. |
| Day 03 - A song that makes you happy It really depends on the mood I was in before I heard said song. If I am angry or frustrated or stressed, I put on Kennedy by Kill Hannah and turn it up as loud as I can. It's my super destressor. I have a lot of songs that just make me smile because they are happy songs. Just off the top of my head... Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John, To Be Surprised by Sondre Lerche, Here it Goes by OK Go, Glad Girls by Guided by Voices.... And given the news that, yesterday, Kill Hannah started filming a video for my favorite song off their latest album and one of my top three favorites of theirs, ever, today Why I Have My Grandma's Sad Eyes makes me very happy. :) |
| Okay, so this is (I guess) supposed to be a tumblr game but since I don't have a tumblr, I'm gonna play it here. I don't know, exactly, how...if I'll post a new note with my responses or just edit this one but ...it looks like fun :) I started this last night so you get two days in today's entry... from here out I'll either devote a blog to each day's question or I'll add it on to whatever else is on my mind that day. Day 01 - Your favorite song - This is an insanely difficult question to answer. It changes, almost daily. And to pick just one?! Essentially, I have songs that I never get tired of listening to, songs that are never skipped, that always make me happy...I'll just list some of those. Kennedy - Kill Hannah - Cast in this little play I call life as the song that saved my life. If it weren't for Kennedy, I don't know if I would have found Kill Hannah and without Kill Hannah I wouldn't have some truly amazing people in my life, a list too long to go into. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawio'ole - His version is just so beautiful and sunny, especially the medley with Wonderful World. Simply breathtaking. "Is" is one of Heaven's brightest stars, I think. Watch the Stars Explode - Polar Moon - When Jonny Radtke left Kill Hannah I was very sad. Then I found out why and was still sad but could accept the desire to strike out on his own and find out what he was really capable of. And I must say that he was (is) capable of greatness. WTSE is a hit and he hasn't even finished his first album yet, thanks in part to his fledgling, as-yet-unnamed street team but thanks mostly to his sheer brilliance. If you haven't heard Watch the Stars Explode (or any of the Polar Moon Music)yet, check it out on here: http://www.myspace.com/polarmoonmusic . It's absolutely amazing. Imagine - John Lennon - It really depends on my mood but sometimes this song makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and other times it makes me horribly sad but my love for it never wanes, even when I'm choking on my tears. Day 02 - Your least favorite song I love music. It is our most powerful artistic medium, affecting so many people in such drastic ways. In that vein, I don't have a lot of music that I outright can't stand. But... A friend of mine once said "I used to like Coldplay, back in the 80's when they were called U2." I really can't stand Coldplay. I think their music is pretentious and it irritates me to the point of wanting to scream every time I hear it. So Viva la Vida is probably my least favorite song. As much as Coldplay irritates me, as much as I want to punch Chris Martin in the face just for funsies, I don't hate Viva la Vida. It's a totally different sound from the rest of their collection and it's kind of catchy. If I hadn't programmed myself to scream "I HATE COLDPLAY" every time I hear them, I might actually find it in my heart to like it. And that irritates me more than all of their other songs combined. |
| Yeah yeah yeah I know. It’s been a few days. But see…when it rains, it pours around here and I just cannot seem to keep my head above water. This time the computer freaked out and pretty much said n|m (that’s “the bird” for anyone not hip to text speak). No attempts to bring it back from the NeverNever were at all successful soooooo $500+ later (that includes a few software installs that may or may not have been necessary) I have a new teeeeeeeny little laptop that will take some getting used to but I don’t think it’s going to be horrible. It doesn’t have a CD-ROM but the old old laptop does. I can’t use the s, w, x, z, 2 or ? keys, or the arrow keys on the old one but I don’t really need those to burn CDs and all of my music is on my external HD anyway… Wow…that so wasn’t the point I set out to make here. Not even in the same ballpark. Let’s start over. I need a vacation. My job/boss (mostly job, lately) is making me crazy. I can’t get my head above water there either. The last two weeks have been crazy crazy with a ton of new jobs hitting my desk. Which normally would be a good thing but all of these were “top priority, get them done yesterday, this one must be done first” and I don’t know what world everyone else is living in but in the one where I live, not everything can be first. I would really love to go spend some time with my sisters. The problem with that is they all have jobs and lives and can’t do all of the things that I want to do. This year, or in recent months, this not driving thing has become a bigger issue than it has ever been…ever. If I could drive over and visit, I could A) Do it more often and not develop such a crazy need to do it and B) Go, crash with someone and then bail while they are at work. Go hang out with other people or chill at the bookstore…or head up to Springs and do a promo day with Ashley and Stevie Rae. :) That would be fun. Ultimately, the plan would be…hang out for four or five days, over the weekend. Go bar hopping or to B-Street, go to Dragon’s Lair and get my tattoo, have a big lunch or dinner with anyone who can and wants to come. Get some stuff done for Jenny’s wedding (like see the dress I’ve paid for without actually seeing it)…Maybe catch a movie or order some pizzas and watch movies at someone’s house. Just do the things I would do if I still lived there. Because I wish I still lived there. Pueblo is kind of a craptacular town and not really a whole lot better than here but it is where my friends live and where I came into myself. I always feel a weird sense of relief when I can first see the water towers at the college from I-25. It’s not the same sense of home and belonging that I felt in Austin but it’s similar. I just need a change of scenery…that’s really what it comes down to. |
| WHOOPS! So much for 500 words each and every day! This is how this usually goes so I’m not at all surprised. *shrug* I live with my mom. For the most part it’s pretty easy, without a whole lot of humps and bumps in the road but food is the worst issue we have … I think. Like, when I move out I’ll probably never buy another beef roast or pork chop …maybe ever. French toast is a late night snack; bacon (or sausage) and eggs is not a meal, it’s meat with a side of meat. Ramen noodles are greasy enough by themselves, why are you adding more grease? Not everything needs to be fried in butter (i.e. ham). I know, I have some southern friends who may not understand the thinking behind that last statement but it’s true. And if I say anything, then I’m being picky and she gets all pissy. “You just don’t like anything.” Or if she suggests breakfast (again, bacon and eggs is not a meal) for dinner and I say no then it automatically means that I never want that, ever, so if I make it for myself one night when I’m home alone, she has kittens about it… “If I had suggested that you’d have thrown a fit! ‘I don’t like breakfast for breakfast, why would I want it for dinner?’” *shakes head in dismay* I can’t get 500 words out of this rant so that’s what you are getting today. Deal. |
| For the most part, I like to write horror. My favorite thing is pulp horror… I don’t know if that’s a real thing or not but it’s what the ex-idiot called it and I liked the way it sounded so when we broke up I got custody of it. I’ve been trying my hand, feebly, at fantasy, but not doing so well. There’s a craft to fantasy writing that I simply do not have the patience for. All that inventing and creating and legislature blah blah blah and I get bored before I even get to the meat of the story. I really dig the way Jim Butcher does it; creating Alera throughout all of the books rather than dumping it all into the first three quarters of the first book. But I have this narcissistic fantasy to create a classic. Something that really affects people on a deep, emotional level. I guess what brings this up is the Perks of Being a Wallflower and the rumors of a film adaptation (thankfully to be directed by the author). Here’s the thing (and I run a very real risk of being lynched in saying this) I hated the ending. If you haven’t read the book, it’s a series of letters written from a 15-16 year old boy named “Charlie” (he states in the beginning that Charlie isn’t his real name) to an anonymous reader who Charlie admires and respects. I’m sure that everyone has their suspicions as to who the reader is…I do, at any rate but that’s not the point so …moving on. Throughout the book we come to find out that Charlie’s world isn’t all kittens and rainbows and there was more to his favorite Aunt Helen than met the eye. His world goes spiraling out of control through these letters to this anonymous friend. But then…and this is the part that made me want to throw my book….it all works out in the end. It’s not perfect at story close but happily ever after is implied. Those who don’t know me well will say, “Oh, that’s just because you are anti-happy ending.” Those who know me well know that’s not the case. I’m not anti-happy ending, I’m anti-Disney ending. Read Hans Christian Andersen’s Little Mermaid. It does not end well for the heroine. But Disney’s Little Mermaid… Okay, fine, Disney endings. The endings that feel like some editor somewhere along the way told the author that it would appeal to a broader audience if we find out Charlie really is going to be okay…and a happy ending is slapped on the tail end of the story like a bustle. Hideous and out of place, doing the exact opposite of what it was intended to do (in the case of a bustle, hide a bubble butt, a happy ending, to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy and resolved). WOW. This is the second time tonight that I have set out to write this blog and the second time I have gone totally off topic in a “happily ever after, my ass” tirade. Let’s stop, take a deep breath and start again. I write horror. Or try to. And I am trying to figure out how to write fantasy without boring MYSELF to tears. But I really want to write something that has no real genre and which moves readers to a passionate discourse and to claim my book among their favorites. I don’t really want to write a “classic” because I know what happens to the “classics” in college literature 101…. They get picked to ribbons by some first-year, Master’s degree professor who is trying to prove to his students (most of whom are within 5 years of him in age) that he has earned every right to be teaching them ….well, anything. So, no “classics,” just something that will elicit some kind of real, raw emotion from my readers. What is involved in that? What does it take to create that? |
| Before anyone asks, no, I haven't been fired. But I have been fired from several jobs and only one of them was for, what I consider to be, a legitimate reason. I’m really not sure how I’m going to get 500 words out of this but it’s on my mind for a couple of reasons… First, I went into the store from which I got fired (the legitimate one) the other night and they were playing the Neon Trees album and it made me kind of wish I still worked there. I really enjoyed the job. The district manager was a sixteen year old tool in a forty year old body but the job wasn’t bad, I didn’t dread going to work every day. Second, I am working on moving to a new city and that means finding a new job. Which means job history. Which means… I have managerial experience but I got fired from being a manager so ….do I mention it or don’t I? Most people don’t realize that you don’t have to mention every job in your job history, only the ones where you acquired skills that will be helpful in the job you are applying for. That means if you were an electrician and you are applying to be a sales manager, you don’t have to mention the electrician job - unless it’s your only form of work experience, in which case, the part where you had a job trumps the fact that you learned nothing about sales from said job. Meanwhile… I’m sure you are wondering what I mean by “legitimate reason for being fired.” Versus, of course, the illegitimate ones, because no one ever thinks they deserve to get fired. I got fired from one for coming in twenty minutes before my shift and having a cigarette in the bar (when that was still legal). I’m not sure that was the reason but it was the closest I got to getting one and in Colorado, I don’t have to be given a reason. I got fired from another for “avoiding work.” Now, I will own that I totally avoided work there. I hated the job. It was $8 an hour to be screamed at because I, me, personally, shut off someone’s cell phone service after they’d gone fourteen months without making a payment. But…I didn’t avoid work in any sort of visual way, I am smarter than that. I just took lots of trips to the restroom. They accused me, however, of putting my phone in idle mode for ten or fifteen minutes at a time between calls and then not doing anything. I also own that I did do that on occasion…not for ten or fifteen minutes, two or three, usually, sometimes for as long as five minutes…rarely… but I never did it to do nothing. I did it to finish making notes on a call because I didn’t have time to do it with the customer on the line, because they ended the call or whatever… but never to avoid work. Like I said, I was smarter about the ways I did that. Next, and THE MOST ridiculous of them all… I got fired because I didn’t enjoy my job. That was the reason I was given. When I asked if I was doing my job, they actually said very well but I didn’t smile and greet the agents (this was in a real estate office). Some of them, no, I did not. They were bitchy and didn’t smile or greet me either. And the bosses’ son was in and out 42 times a day and I usually greeted him every third or fourth trip through. If I greeted him every time that would be all I’d get done. But I just know, that was the clincher. I didn’t greet Sonny Boy with a smile because he was a 32 year old (then) baby. Now the legitimate one sucked. We could only be over or under on our registers by more than $2 five times before we were terminated. For starters, all of the other managers had figured out to carry cash and if they were under they filled in the difference to get it to $1.99 (or less). If they were over, they’d tuck a dollar under the phone, figuring somewhere along the way, they’d figure out where it was supposed to be. And the phone was one of the only things in the managers’ office that wasn’t in sight of the security camera. But no one bothered to tell me this until I’d already gotten four strikes. Plus, associates had one register per shift to worry about, managers had up to five plus the safe. So when I dropped a $5 bill on the floor of the office while filling a deposit bag and the deposit (of course) came up $5 short at the bank, that was it for me :( It sucked that the other managers didn’t let me in on the tricks sooner but it was still all me. How was this for a completely boring blog about nothing? But guess what… 800+ words and I warned you in the beginning….some days, most days, this will be nothing but babbling incoherent crap. |
| This is something I think about a lot. Life gets in the way and I’m nearly 30 and have been living with my mom for six years. It’s time to not anymore. Not the point. The point is that I think about things I’ll do (or won’t do…or want to do) when I move out. I want to live alone. This probably isn’t possible, economically, but I’m tired of living with someone else. I want to live alone and as I want to live. I don’t want to have to ask a roommate for permission to do anything or deal with them eating/drinking/using my stuff or collaborating with them on decorations/mealtimes….I want to live alone for a while. I want to have dinner with friends. Once a month or every two weeks, something, whatever, I want to have my friends over and have a nice dinner, maybe watch a movie, listen to music, just hang out, talk, be friends. I miss being able to do this. I’d love to be able to afford a two bedroom apartment so that I could turn one room into a craft/art/printing room. Get a fabulous laser printer, get my magazine into print. I’ve also considered covering the entire floor with plastic, the walls too, so I have a place to paint and not have to worry about getting paint on anything. I love getting messy when I paint. There is a whole vintage art movement in stores that is centered around coffee. All of these pictures are in warm colors, primarily browns and reds. I want to buy a whole mess of these pictures and then coordinate my kitchen/dining area around them….reds, browns, giant coffee mugs…I like this print: http://artwork.barewalls.com/artwork/CoffeeShop.html?ArtworkID=349639&thumbs=1&p... On the subject of decorating… the living room area I want in black and white cityscapes/urban photography. I love this one: http://artwork.barewalls.com/artwork/WorkersonaSkyscraper.html?ArtworkID=87128&t... I also found a black and white print of Austin, Texas’ South Congress Ave at night once but I haven’t been able to find it again since then. Music pictures would be awesome also. I have a picture I swiped out of a Rolling Stone photo issue and framed, of Pete Townsend showing off his bleeding fingers. I could center a room décor around those kinds of photos as well and be pretty satisfied. Even though I want to live alone, I want friends to feel like my place is the place to hang out. Come over whenever, my door is open. |
| So.... who wants to listen to me bitch? No? Then you should probably stop reading this ....altogether, really, 'cause I bitch a lot. Today. First of all, I am a little worried about my cat but I’m also a lot broke so taking her to the vet really isn’t an option. But she’s super skinny even though she has what seems to be a good appetite and doesn’t really get a lot of exercise… Anyway, this is all another story for another day....the point is that a week or so ago, she puked… or coughed up a hairball, not really sure, I didn’t see it … on Mom’s bed and she came unhinged. She’s been pissy about it ever since. To the point of buying a baby gate to keep kitty out of her room. Kitty, meanwhile, has been pissy right back. Couldn’t be that she’s responding to the negative energy…no that couldn’t be it at all. Anyway, this morning, I got up to find the bathroom door shut and asked what was up. Kitty was locked inside because she was being “nasty.” What this means is that she picked a fight with the other cat and Mom’s pissy so my cat gets time out. So I let her out and she gets ambushed by Mom’s saintly, do no wrong, cat. Now, I don’t know who started the first fight, cause I didn’t see it, but I did see who started the second one and it wasn’t my cat. *sigh* Anywho, so then my day just spiraled out of control after that. I got to thinking about all the other crap that upsets me - or outright pisses me off - and that lead, as it usually does, to immersing myself up to my eyeballs in Kill Hannah. But here’s all the shit that came to me as my brain was working overtime: Driving. I don’t. Never learned. This is a sucky subject on many levels. Mom is constantly bitching about how bad it stresses her out to have to get me places on time. I try… I try very hard to not expect her to play taxi…ever. I never ask to go anywhere. I don’t complain when I have to wait for forty-five minutes after work because she’s late and didn’t let me know she would be. But the thing is…and this is the other thing that frustrates me about driving….if it stresses her out so bad, she could do something about it. Besides buy me a bus pass… She could get in the car every Saturday and every Sunday and take me out driving. But here’s what pisses me off about that. All my life, I have taught myself just about everything I’ve ever learned. So it really frustrates me, to the point of inciting actual anger, that I can’t just say, “yanno, I feel like practicing driving today,” hoping in the car and doing it. No. I have to have someone else with me, who knows what they are doing already. I’ve asked various people on several occasions, how the first people learned to drive. There was no one to teach them, they just flew by the seats of their pantyhose. So, why can’t I do that? Because when they were doing it there were thirty of them in the whole country. Now there are thirty in the span of a block. I’m still frustrated but all the steam has gone out of my frustration, so I’m going to bring this to a close for tonight and hopefully have something awesome to say tomorrow (which will actually be later today). |
| “Breathing is a foreign task and thinking’s just too much to ask.” Dashboard Confessional, “The Brilliant Dance” About me. That’s what the first entry in a blog is supposed to be, right? There are words that I use to describe myself, in various situations. Audiophile, artist, sorority chick, friend, writer, reader, storyteller, student, geek. I think, even though I have been a “storyteller” since I could string together words into coherent sentences and became a “writer” shortly after that, “audiophile” is the most important, most prevalent of all of those words. Music is the most powerful art form we have. I use it for everything. It’s a mood enhancer and a mood alterer. When you are sad, it can make you better or it can make you worse. When you are happy, it can bring you crashing down. I am an artist but I have never been a musician. My voice is my instrument, through either my storytelling or through singing, which I love to do, and used to be quite good at (not sure anymore). I work in a very paradoxical situation. I am a right-brainer, which is good, given my occupational title, but I work for two left-brainers, which is less good. And I ask myself, at least once a week, how and why did two left-brainers get wrapped up in a creative business like this one. And with that aside, I can stop being obscure and say that I am a graphic artist for a screen printer. There are not words to describe how frustrating it is to be a right-brainer working in what should be a creative environment but having to butt heads with two people who just cannot grasp the concept of thinking outside the box. How frustrating it is to hear “can’t” when I know for a fact that what they are really saying is “don’t want to,” or “don’t know how” (more often than not, the former). How frustrating it is to know that blue and yellow make green and red and blue make purple and red and white make pink then hear, “We don’t have that color.” You have red, blue, yellow and white, you have everything you need to make any other color in the world….it just takes a little creativity and willingness to get messy…two things they do not have :( I write. Except when I don’t, which has been most of the time lately. The goal of this little thing is to produce 500 words everyday, and maybe start increasing that as time goes on. Even if they are 500 words of utter rubbish, I am going to try to make myself do it. Every. Single. Day. Good luck with that. I am not a creature of habit. Except when I am. But I don’t form habits well. I’ll do this blog thingy for a week, two maybe, and then forget about it for a month and by the time I decide to come back I’ll decide I’ve lost every reader I didn’t ever really have and just give up completely. No. I won’t. I’ll keep it going. It will be amazing and by the time I go back to school (cross your fingers for me) I’ll be famous for it. Yep. That’s how it’s going to work. There is so much more I could say about myself but I’ve reached and surpassed my 500 word goal and it’s waaaaaaaaaaaaay past a sensible hour for me to be awake so I guess I’ll call it a night…very early morning. |
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