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 |  Are hash tags still cool? |
| After recovering from a small bout of depression, I'm back again to talk about first world problems, make fun of my ridiculousness, and find a place where I can just be me. |
| Prompt: You awaken one morning to find an hourglass has been placed on your bedside table. A note attached to it says, "Two Days." Write about what happens next. What is this hourglass all about? I don’t remember putting an hourglass on my bedside table last night, and who uses hourglasses anymore? It’s called a clo—OH NO! Someone must have broken into my apartment while I was sleeping! They could still be here. Twenty different episodes of Law & Order Special Victims Unit run through my mind as I reach into my purse and grab my Swiss Army Knife and Mace. I roll to the ground like a member of the FBI Swat Team and then proceed to the bathroom making ridiculous hand gestures to no one. “On my count,” I whisper. I crash into my bathroom with my arms crossed; mace pointed like a gun. “Clear!” I run and roll into the living room, aiming my mace. Every thing seems to be O.K in here. Crap! I have no pants on. I can’t defend myself without pants. Ugh! I run to my room and grab pants out of my drawer. While I’m at it I put on a little bit of lipstick. Actually, I need some blush too. Damnit, my life is in danger. I resume the FBI level check of my apartment. Everything seems to be in order so I head to the refrigerator. There’s no food in the fridge. I go to my bedside table to get my cell phone, and find a note on my nightstand. Two Pays. Toupee? What the hell? I grab my glasses off of nightstand. Two Days, Oh. I need some doughnuts. It takes me 20 minutes to decide whether I want half a dozen doughnuts, a croissant, or breakfast burrito because I have to meet the minimum credit card purchase of $3.00 or else they won’t sell to my kind. (the cashless kind) It doesn’t hit me until I’m back in my bed drinking Orange Strawberry Banana Juice directly out of the carton that the note said Two Days. I’m gonna die. I look at Facebook to see if this is happening to the rest of the world or just me. Just me? Great. I’m gonna die alone. At this point I’m assuming the worst because I was born with a seriously overdramatic brain. I never got to see Les Miserables. Man, I’ve got to hurry up and do that before I die. I watch the movie and cry. I follow it up with Titanic and the Color Purple and 50 other period movies. It’s midnight. I can’t believe that I just wasted my final days in a movie spiral. I’ve got to make better use of my next 24 hours. I wake up the next day, and gather my last outfit. If I’m going to die, I’m going to die in splendor. I put on my favorite pink pea coat, the after-five dress that I never got a chance to wear, and my brand new shoes from justfab.com. I only wear my Tiffany’s jewelry and douse myself with my favorite Nicki Minaj perfume. I don’t care if I smell like a prostitute like in that one movie with Sandra Bullock and Richard Gere. In fact, where is that movie? I love Pretty Woman. I sit down and watch Pretty Woman followed by 28 Days and Miss Congeniality. I can’t believe I’m wasting away my final day with Sandra Bullock, but she’s always kind of been there for me when I didn’t want to watch a GREAT brown-nosing movie, but a middle-of-the-road-I’m-here-when-you-need-me kind of movie. Next I put in Forrest Gump and turn it off right after Bubba asks Forrest if he wants to join his shrimpin’ business. I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. This way we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we're a good partnership, Forrest? 'Cause we be watching out for one another, like brothers and stuff. Hey, Forrest, somethin' I been thinkin' about. I got a very important question to ask you. How would you like to go into the shrimpin' business with me? -Bubba, Forrest Gump I watch Roman Holiday, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Charlie Bartlett. I re-read my favorite parts from Harry Potter, watch all the scenes in Gossip Girl that feature Blair and Chuck’s Love Story, and then, I cry. I ugly cry. I don’t want to die. I love fiction. I love good characters and plots. Will all of that die with me? I’d hate for it to. I don’t say goodbye to the people I love. I’m terrible at goodbyes, and I suck at endings. Instead, I just lay in my bed singing the line I dreamed a dream over and over again because I don’t remember the song. I would have a song I don’t know stuck in my head when I die. |
| Things I am not doing today 1. My 80's tap routine [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] 2. Wearing Pants after 5:00 PM 3. Writing this blog post a third time 4. Using the save button to prevent loss of this blog, again. 5. Eating a Healthy Meal. 6. Mentioning Purple Rain to my Dad 7. Encouraging my Dad to get his 80's aerobics team back together. Sweatbands included [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] 8. Setting my alarm clock. 9. Driving anywhere near work after 5:00 PM 11. Using Numbers Correctly. |
| Prompt: Write an opinion piece on a cause you feel deserves more support from others. (Examples: breast cancer awareness, wildlife conservation, equal rights) If you’ve been paying attention to the national budget, then you know that President Obama recently enacted $85 billion dollars in across the board Federal Spending Cuts that began on March 1st. The federal government is responsible for a great deal of funding that makes its way to many Community Based Organizations and/or non-profits. To put it simply, many of the causes that we love are fiscally struggling right now. If nothing is done to support the causes that many hold dear, then we will see them shutdown due solely to a lack of funding and support. In short, the economy is bad. Real bad. Everything from duck-tape prom dresses to cancer research is requiring more support. Therefore, I feel that the most important cause is to encourage people to support organizations they believe in. I hate to say that it’s not enough to support organizations by word of mouth anymore, but its not. If we want to see Locks of Love, that local food bank across the street, or race for the cure assist others in 2014 then it is very important that we start donating money, volunteering our time, and participating in the events of the organizations that we enjoy. During political elections some of my friends would tell anyone who would listen about their favorite causes, but when it came down to actually sending money or going down to the local office their support ended. I’ve never understood that. If you like something, then you should at least support it. If you’re broke—like I usually am—you don’t have to support a cause with money. You can support a cause with manpower. Sometimes you haven't got the time to volunteer, or the money to support. A good way to support an organization you like is by going to some of the one-time only events. Like the Cookies with Santa or the Epilepsy Flash Mob. Even though you can't donate money, it helps the organizations look good when they're applying for grants by saying we got 1,000 community members to come out and support us. The best way to support an organization--if you've got time for it-- is free labor, go down to your favorite organization’s local office and say, “I’ve got my body. Use ME!” If security doesn’t escort you off the premises first, then you can continue the sentence, “I’m here to find out information about how I can volunteer or ways that I can help out your organization.” You might have to get a background check, fill out an application, and have an interview with a volunteer coordinator. Don’t be lazy, and don’t be discouraged! These organizations need your help. Go through the volunteer process, and in time you’ll find yourself at the heart of an organization you love meeting other volunteers who support something you support. I think that’s a great way to make new friends. The most important advice I can give you about volunteering is to always be flexible, open to new things, and don’t be afraid to jump in and help where you see that help is needed. This may be hard at first, but sometimes the volunteer world is a roll with the punches type of thing. It can be frustrating at times, but in the end you'll love it. There's nothing like getting out there and being apart of something you believe in. Check out https://www.serve.gov to find out about Volunteer opportunities in your area. |
| Prompt:What was the most outrageous thing anyone has ever dared you to do? OR What was the most outrageous thing you have ever dared someone else to do? The most outrageous thing I can think of wasn't really a dare, but started out as one. THE PRANK WAR My best friend Callie Leonore   accidentally made a pot of over-hard rice crispy treats, and someone dared her to leave the ruined pot of treats on Johnny's door step. Instead of saying,"no," she rose to the occasion. Now you would think that Johnny could just move on and let it go, but not Johnny. He declared it as the first shot fired in war. A prank war. Johnny retaliated by adding a bunch of nasty ingredients-- including Asian hot sauce and jello-- and leaving it on Cal's door step. Cal decided to add more crap to the pot and leave it on Johnny's door step. Have you ever read the story about the North going Zax and the South going Zax by Dr. Seuss? If you have then you know what happens when two strong-willed people decide not to be the looser. Yes, that's right, that pot went back and forth for weeks. It was the nastiest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Eventually they moved it to a box. The box got more rank the longer the war continued, and finally Johnny decided to be the bigger person and throw it in the trash. Being the bigger person, he baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies and offered it to Callie Leonore as a peace offering. Enter me. The cookies looked delicious, they were beautifully arranged on a plate, and we all know that junk food is my weakness and I couldn't resist. I picked up one cookie when Cal said, "Eat those at your own risk. Johnny says he's being the bigger person, but I don't know." "Pfft, Johnny's a grown man, he wouldn't poison you." "I dunno, Daryle," Callie said to me eyeing the cookie warily. I ate the cookie.I ate 4 cookies. 3 hours later I was checking the internet to make sure my appendix was on the right side because my colon was on FIRE. Let's just say the toilet got a good work out. Turns out Johnny would poison Callie. He'd been hanging out with his 16 year-old cousin, who convinced him to put chocolate flavored ex lax in the cookies. Now we all know that a normal person wouldn't do that, but a 16-year-old would. That's why I don't dare people. You never know the chain of events that can lead to an innocent bystander getting ex-laxed. I also learned not to be tempted by a plate of well-arranged cookies. |
| I'm keeping this one short folks. My pillows are calling my name. Prompt :Share with us your favorite St. Patrick's Day tradition. If you don't have one, think up a new one." I think that a good St. Paddy's day tradition would be a four-leaf clover hunt. You put a bunch of kids in a patch of clovers for a hour and the first one to find a four-leaf clover wins $1,000. If no one finds a four-leaf clover then every kid who participated in the clover hunt gets $1. It'd be kind of like an Easter Egg hunt but far more frustrating and much less rewarding. More frustrating and less rewarding? That sounds like the Marshmallow test. Here's a good question to ask yourself. Would you wait to eat 2 marshmallows or would you cave and eat one? [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
| Prompt: Yesterday, Sunday, March 17 was St. Patrick's Day. Research the holiday's origin and provide your thoughts. What does St. Patrick's Day mean to you? To me, St. Paddy's day is a big excuse to hang out with my friends, and do a little bit of drinking. Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan of St. Paddy's day. It's just not one of my favorite holidays.  St. Patrick was a 16 year-old British slave who’d been kidnapped and brought to Ireland (which once again proves that Christianity will take whatever it can get). He’s known for bringing Christianity to the Irish, and rumor has it that he once explained the concept of the holy-trinity using a shamrock. It was a 3-clover shamrock and not a 4-clover shamrock, which makes me wonder what would have happened if he found a 4 clover-shamrock. If I were St. Patrick I would have made up an extra part of the trinity; something ridiculous like vampires. But, that’s probably why I’m not a Saint, yet. 1. Despite the fact that I never know when St. Paddy's Day is until everyone is pinching me, St. Patrick’s day is always held on March 17th as a feast day. The best thing about St. Patrick's day is that it is an official time that Catholics can break the rules of Lent. For many a good catholic this means fist pumping, eating meat, and downing a row of Irish Car bombs. For me, it means being the designated driver to a bunch o' drunks begging for tacos. Which is sad because begging for tacos ruins the spirit of Irish culture. It is traditional for people to pinch those who aren't wearing green, even though St. Patrick's original saintly color was blue. I like to think that over time, the color morphed from the traditional saintly blue because when you've been drinking it's much easier to say "you aren't shwearing geen" than "you aren't shwearing schmoo." But, I wish the official color had stayed blue because I look awful in green. Footnotes |
| Prompt: Tell us about your week. Include your favorite blog entry from your fellow challengers from the preceding week and, most importantly, why. My life was very uneventful this week. All I did was go to work, eat, and sleep. The most interesting thing that happened to me was that after I got my car washed a bunch of birds decided to use my car as a public rest stop. I guess it’s nice to know that someone other than me enjoyed my clean car. I hate birds. I’ve also decided to dress nicer when I go to Wal Mart. I live in a small town, going to Wal Mart is like walking into the king’s court, I’m going to see someone that I know, and it’s best to not look so frumpy. From now on I’m wearing nothing but glitter heels and Vera Wang’s spring collection when I do my Sunday shopping. I’m tired of people running into me and giving me that wide-eyed WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED look. So, I’ve decided to go Glomgropping—Glam Grocery Shopping. I’ve also decided to stop drinking so much. I’m a terrible drunk. No, I’m an awesome drunk. I’m also a let-me-spend-all-of-my-money-online-shopping drunk. Which means I’ve got a pre-ordered copy of Les Miserables, 2 dresses from modcloth.com, shoes from justfab.com, and a coach satchel headed my way. I spent a ridiculous amount of my grant-writing money on last nights drunken shopping spree. It’s O.K, I guess, but I absolutely can not have another night like that. (no matter how much I’m going to enjoy getting all the things I bought myself in the mail) Have I written about myself enough? Can I be done? Great, Let’s talk about my favorite blogs of the week. There were some awesome prompts, and everyone in the 30dbc wrote an excellent post. I was going to be lazy and put something like EVERYONE WINS, but that seems sort of lame on my part. (I’m also procrastinating. I do not want to vacuum) Ren the Klutz! wrote "Invalid Entry"  about how she was too busy living it up and drinking mojitos to realize that the plane left both her and her mother behind. Don’t worry. It was OK. The US government didn’t want to leave their most successful genius stuck at some air port. Ren got everything sorted out and is now safely back in Area 51 doing smart people things. (What? Her blog didn’t say that? I think you need to do some reading between the lines.)SapphireRainee wrote "Invalid Entry" about how she can see ghosts. It was creepy because a building that she saw a ghost at burned down. WTF? She may have also been confessing to arson. I mean just last week she was writing about killing kids, lol. (It’s all in there, between the lines)Moody Blue: Needs an Upgrade wrote "Invalid Entry" about Paul, her brother, who mistook the floor for the restroom. As someone who has had “the potty dream” many times as a child, I felt for Paul. All I can say is…At least he didn’t wet the bed. ember_rain wrote "Invalid Entry" about how she can see ghosts. Like for real. Like FOR REAL. It was creepy and way too interesting a read to pass up. I also wanted to mention that she wrote "Invalid Entry" for last week’s Sunday review. I loved that she openly admitted to ditching writing.com for the Sims. Seriously, first Black Dagger Brotherhood and now the Sims! What’s next, oreos? Me and Ember need to get together one of these days because she shares some of my serious all-time obsessions. Prosperous Snow celebrating  wrote "Electric Cigarettes, Outdoor Toilets, and Rent-a-Johns" When the prompt asked, “What is one thing you can’t live without?” She basically answered indoor plumbing. At that point, I laughed so hard I cried. As a side note, I didn’t know that prosperous was Baha’i. That’s actually one of my favorite world religions. I love the parts about everyone being one and creating a universal language. (Yeah, that's right, I read your profile, too.) Fivesixer  wrote "This one's about rooms." where he stole a gumball machine, champagne, wine, and a whole sheet of pizza. It was hysterical. In fact, I think it’s tied with snow’s indoor toilets. I was definitely rolling on the floor laughing my ass off when I read this entry.I also now know, that 56er is a terrible drinking buddy because while you're grabbing glasses, he's stealing every cool thing in the room. And last but not least wolf knight wrote "Invalid Entry" about how he snuck out of the house, and got in trouble. It actually reminded me of some of the stupid stuff I did from 16-25. I’m glad that wolf ranger is smart enough to learn something from his mistakes instead of pulling-a-me and learning nothing until I had to go to court and do community service. Did you know that wolf_ranger sees ghosts, too? WELL THAT'S IT FOR THE SUNDAY REVIEW! WOOOO! See ya next week |
| Prompt: Pretend that you see yourself walking into a room. What is your first impression of yourself? What stands out about you? Now change the room you are entering (gym, office, church, etc) How does that change your impression? If I were to walk into a room—and not my own room because I’d totally freak the hell out if I saw an identical version of me walking into my bedroom—my first impression would be that there is an extremely boring looking 16 year old girl (sadly, I'm 25) giving me funny looks, but I'd give her bonus points because she’s a really snappy dresser. Now onto my favorite part, changing the scenario: Me if I worked at the Cheese-It Factory and saw Me walking in: Oh my goodness it’s her. I’ve only seen her photo in the newsletter. Isn’t that the girl who is directly responsible for our 4% production increase in East Texas? Holy hell! It Is. Tim! Tim! You’ve got to go get the Site Director! He’s only dreamed of meeting her. This girl’s Cheese-It Consumption kept this branch afloat during the recession. She’s the reason that we’ve all got jobs right now. It’s amazing, isn’t it? I always thought someone who ate that many cheese-its would be morbidly obese. Me standing behind me at Baskin & Robins as I stand in front of all 31 flavors. OMG! I can’t believe this girl is taking forever deciding on a flavor. SHE’S SO INDECISIVE! I hate her! Me gossiping about me at a Bruno Mars Concert: Did you see that girl who just ran on stage, started hugging Bruno’s leg, and wouldn’t let go until he said he was going to marry her? What a weirdo! Me meeting me in the 1990s if I were a Backstreet Boys Fan: Enemy. Me if I were the Direct TV sales guy seeing me come into Blockbuster: TARGET ACQUIRED. Me if I were an aggressive christian looking for someone to prosthelytize to at Barnes & Nobles and spotted me in the Romance Aisle: Oh my goodness those are the most scandalous covers I’ve ever seen. I think that girl is reading porn. I must tell her about the word. Me if I were a republican meeting me as a democrat: UGH!!!!!! What an idiot! Me if I were a democrat meeting me as a republican: UGH!!!!!!! What an idiot! Me if I were a democrat or republican meeting me as a moderate: Looser. Me if I were a cop meeting Me as a gang member who gets arrested for selling dope on a street corner: She’s the worst criminal I’ve ever seen! I’ve never met a gangster who is excited by the criminal justice process. Me if I worked at the car-wash where I’m taking my car today meeting me and my car: This is the dirtiest car that I’ve ever seen in my life. I wonder if there is a way we can charge her more for all of the extra labor we’re going to have to put in. Me if I worked at the bank meeting me: Someone should tell the girl withdrawing $20 that she is not the big spender that she thinks she is. |
| Prompt: "Life is full of incidences which are embarrassing when they happen, but become more and more funny as time goes on. Share one such story." This whole story begins with the Air Force. I don't know what it is about Military parents, but for some strange reason they believe in teaching their children that bravery is a virtue.So when my Dad took 8-year-old me to the water park, he just had to get me on the big-kid water-slide. His plan was for me to simultaneously conquer my fear of heights and water. Two birds, one stone. Despite my protests and excuses-- "DAD, If you make me do this I'll die!", "DAAAAADDDDYY, I'm telling Mommy on you!", "I twisted my ankle on the concrete! Save me! I'm crippled." "God is telling me to tell you not to do this. It's a SIN! It's A SIN!!!!" ---my dad just ignored me. Partially because those were the same excuses I used when I didn't want to learn how to ride a bike and later when I didn't want to get on an air plane. Instead of listening my dad just kept saying, "You have to do this. No kid of mine is going to be scared of the water slide their whole life." After a long wait, we got to the top, sat on the inter-tube, and held onto the railing while the life guard gave his run down: hold onto the tube, sit still, and enjoy the ride. When he was done with his lecture, the lifeguard said, "Let go" My Dad let go, but not me. Let me give you a run down of the conversation that transpired at the top of the slide: Me: PLEASE DADDY NO! I CAN'T! I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA! Dad: You've got to face your fears. You can't be scared all the time! Me: I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA! The lifeguard: Sir, people are waiting. [My Dad starts prying my fingers off of the railing] Me: I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS! I'LL REMEMBER ALL MY LIFE THAT YOU'RE THE WORST DA-- [My last finger is loosed from railing, and we go plummeting down the slide.] You're supposed to hold onto the tube and relax. I did the opposite. I flailed and screamed like a banshee. At some point the inter-tube flipped over us and I ended up riding the thing sitting on my Dad's lap as he held onto me. When he saw the light at the end of the tunnel he let me go. I fly through the air and belly flop into the pool. My Dad scoops my limp nearly lifeless body out of the water because I was acting passed out just to spite him. When the life-guard rushes over and says, "Sir, is she OK?" My Dad just says, "Yeah, she's just over-dramatic." Overdramatic? Me? Sadly enough this water-slide story is just the back story to the most embarrassing moment of my life. The most embarrassing moment of my life happens 12 years later. At this point, I haven't set foot on another water slide since I was 8. My best friend and I decided to go to the Waco Water Park to cool off. Somehow, the two of us end up in the water slide line, and I'm talking myself into braving my second slide experience. Afterall, it's been 12 years, and surely it won't be that bad. When we finally reach the top, I have two options: 1) The low-water-pressure Kiddie slide and 2) The high-water-pressure grown-up slide. I remember my traumatic childhood experience, and at the last moment choose the Kiddie one. I start sliding down thinking, This is nice, not too fast. It's not nearly as bad as I remember. Then...I get stuck near the middle of the slide. Stuck, as in my body won't move, and the water is going around me. As in what happens when you're too fat to be on the damn Kiddie Water slide. I try to play it off. I try to push myself, only my body won't move. I'm not going anywhere. I look upwards towards the lifeguard who is standing next to my best friend and trying not to laugh. I look toward my best friend who was laughing so hard she'd started crying. I look toward the ground where people are starting to point, and I hear some obnoxious ass 5 year old say, "LOOK MAMMMA! LOOK! SHE'S STUCK ON THE WATER SLIDE" Now, you wouldn't think this could get anymore embarrassing than being stuck on the Kiddie slide with the whole water park pointing at you. You would think that my best friend would take some pity on me. You might even think that she'd do something embarrassing to herself--like pretend to have a stroke--so people stop staring at me. Instead, she turns to the lifeguard and says, "I got this." To me and all of the onlookers she yells, "DAR! MOVE YOUR BUTT! IT'S IN THE WAY!!!!" At this point I want to strangle her, but I'm stuck. In fact, that's probably the only reason she's still alive. After about 5 minutes of wanting to kill her, I consider her advice. I move my butt and start moving, but the embarrassment doesn't end because she yells at me (just in case someone might have missed her previous comment), "See! I told you! YOUR BUTT WAS IN THE WAY!!!!!" |
| PROMPT: "What modern invention do you think is a waste of time?" IMAGINE THIS: It's 2:30 AM, and you've just gotten back from the bar. You're drunk, but you're not sleepy. You click on the television and this comes on: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] When you receive your Forever Lazy their is only one question to ask yourself. Why would I ever spend $30 on this? Oh yeah, you'd been drinking, and had high hopes of watching the big game in your grown-up onesie. And what luck! It came in pink! But wait, in case going to the bathroom was just too hard when you were using your boring old Snuggie, the Forever Lazy features a convenient back and front hatch. You can now pee in both warmth and style! If you really think about it, that's all your drunken self has ever wanted, a pee strategy for your housecoat. Yep, life was pretty hard for you with all those stupid blankets. It's a good thing that the Airforce has finally released the design aesthetic of the flight suit. We drunken civilians have been dreaming of the Forever Lazy for years. Waste of Time? Psssh! Only if you're sober. |
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Independence is so important. There's no better feeling than knowing that you can do something for yourself without assistance.
