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A journal of random thoughts and random lines of poetry. |
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About This Blog
A journal of random thoughts and bits of poetry with nowhere to go. Read, write, like, talk. About Me I'm Ren, living in Wales with my wife and kid. We have five cats, six chickens. Writing poetry, trying to finish a novel, working for a Domestic Abuse charity. I have a website @ Ren Williams  and a blog @ queerlittlefamily.co.uk Posts About My Life Invalid Entry Invalid Entry Invalid Entry Invalid Entry Invalid Entry Invalid Entry |
| So I have continued with my leg tattoos today - and have plans to make this into a leg sleeve of cartoon animals of sorts. Here are today's additions: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My bear I've had since I was a baby called Choo-Choo ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** A vampire hedgehog drawn by my wife. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb. |
| Do you think that writing should be a solitary occupation/hobby, or does the idea of working within a group or club appeal to you? What sort of person would make an ideal writing companion for you? I was part of a writing group when I lived in the city. And I was part of a poetry group for several years when I lived in Aberystwyth. I miss both groups. The writing group was a continuation of a writing class I took part of. We were mostly sci-fi geeks and wrote sci-fi and fantasy. Once a week we rented a room from the Quakers, split the cost between whoever was there and wrote. Sometimes we chatted, sometimes we read each others work. Most of the time we wrote. It was good, for a couple of hours we were just half a dozen writers, doing what we loved, and drinking tea. I only left because I moved back to Wales to be closer to my family. My sister was trying for another baby at the time and I wanted to be around for that and without my ex boyfriend, and after therapy, there wasn't any reason for me to be in the city any more In Wales, the poetry group had similar origins - a poetry class with a great bunch of people who really loved poetry. We took it out of the class room and met up in other places. We shared poetry more than we wrote in those hours - we chatted, we critiqued, we drank tea. I left that group when I moved out of one town and into another - I got married and did other things and getting anywhere in the evening was impossible for an entire year (the bus service was awful). Neither group is still running - members from both groups are going from strength to strength. I'm very proud. For me - a social phobic, an introvert, and an anxious geek - being part of those groups was really important for my mental health more than anything else. And as a writer I think that's important too. It's a solitary profession that could easily swamp you in silence and sadness and having other people around who understand that - understand you - is vital. Not often, not all the time, but enough that you don't suffer too much for your art. At least, for me, that's how it works. I would like to join another group, perhaps start one of my own in the town where I work - for writing and poetry and reading. We'll see. I have plans for the future but I have too much on my plate right now with work and trying for a baby and so on. Writing groups aren't for everyone - but they're certainly good for me. Prompt #3/Week 66 for "Welcome To My Reality Forum" |
| I'm back. There are two problems with being me. One: I'm obsessive but flaky. If something gets a hole of me, it gets a hold of me good until the next awesome thing comes along. Video games are a good example. I've been playing Dragon Age Origins and then Dragon Age 2, solidly for months now, at least three months. I've not played anything else. I play it when I come home from work, before I go to work, I am obsessed. But my nephew isn't allowed to play Dragon Age (it's an 18 and he's, well, not) and so he stays at my house at the weekend and plays another game, dangling in front of me like a carrot and well, since he went home I've been playing Bully. Two: I'm an introvert. This is fine. Except, I seem to be a bit of an introvert online as well. I didn't even think that possible until I examined my online activities and my own thinking. I struggle with people on the internet as much as in the real world. It's odd but not impossible I guess, social phobia is social phobia no matter the social circle and introverts like their own quiet company. I certainly do. This is easy. This, typing into another empty box. People may or may not read, but at that my point my part is done and I can walk away. Like serving a customer. I do my part and they walk away and I'm alone at the till again. I can cope with that. I like that. Anyway, I don't necessarily like being alone to the point where I have no friends. Well, not no friends. Two friends. And I'm married to one of them. I struggle keeping contact with people, I seem to have lost another friend because my best attempts at contact aren't good enough and even though we don't have much in common any more I do miss her. So here I am, because this for-fills two of my needs. Friends and a desire to write the hell out of everything. So I spent some of my overtime pay on six months of membership because I had made good in roads here, making friends and writing and I walked away foolishly when I got a job. So much has happened since the last blog post - but that is for another post. Good to be back. Maybe I was missed. Maybe that's a good thing. Take care all. |
| I don't get angry like I used to. I used to get angry and then not have an outlet for it. I wrote, but that wasn't always enough and my anger would get the better of me. So when I got angry I self harmed. It was the main reason I started self-harming - to deal with the anger. The main reason I self harmed for the first few years really. Now, I've worked through most of my anger and I deal with it more effectively and move on from anger. I do get angry and pissed off and grumpy but I react differently now. Writing helps a lot more than it used to. When I'm angry I have a blog (this one and Weird and Important ) poetry and just words I can express myself with in any way I need.I cry too. A lot of the time when I get angry with the world, with the people in it it I get upset more than angry, when I just can't handle the hatred and anger other people display. The inequality of the world. I tend to cry over it, my anger becomes too much, my emotions become too much and I cry. I talk about it too. I'm married and I find talking to my wife helps. She tends to listen to me ramble any time I need to do so (as I listen to her rambles). Or sometimes she just gives me a cwtch (Welsh for cug - a cuddle mixed with a hug). Which is often all I need. Day 161 "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" |
| I got my first tattoo when I was 19, despite being terrified of needles and not knowing what I wanted my friends dragged me in there and I think it's one of those moments of peer pressure that actually changed my life for the better. Because I feel in love with tattooing that day. I'm 31 now and I have 11 tattoos and plans for a dozen more or so. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My first tattoo. I hated the sun back then, I was a pale depressed teenager and it seemed like a good thing to get to symbolise it and because I didn't know what else to get! It was partly like get what you hate (at the time) immortalised on your body - everyone else gets what they like. It's on my upper left arm. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My second tattoo I got a few years later and was more about my depression again. The rainbow was added later, after I went through a successful bout of therapy and was comfortable with who I was and symbolises my bisexuality. This is on my upper right arm. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My third tattoo is about family. The blue tattoos represent me and my sister when we were children. The purple stars represent my mother and step dad, or my two older cousins Rich and Dave who look after us a lot when we were staying at my dad's house. It's on the outside of my right wrist. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My fourth tattoo I picked because I like stars and rainbows lol. Not everything means something. It's on my right shoulder blade. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My fifth tattoo is for my nephew. He gave me something to live for. This one is on the inside of my right wrist. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I got this tattoo when I first moved back to Wales after a full and successful year in therapy. I had put above my left breast because I had hopes that the only people that would really see it were people I trusted. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is an abstract Poppy for my niece Poppy, on the inside of my left wrist. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I did a doodle of this heart/tv and I have always heavily been into television fandoms. On the side of my left wrist. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I wrote a poem a few years ago, and my main domain has been stars-burn.net. It across my back. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The hamster is because I love hamsters and have had a dozen since I moved back to Wales. The bear is an ugly bear called Nandy Bear that I bought when I was in America last year. I plan to have another three on my shin, and some other ones all over. My wife has four excellent tattoos on her upper arms. She had two when I met her and that's partly what got me talking to her. Plus she had duck earrings and breasts  . She was interested in me for similar reasons (tattoos that is). We had a date the day after next and moved in together about four months later. |
| So yesterday I worked my first full day of work in seven years. I managed it but I was exhausted. I work in my village shop, on my feet all day, and the full time job I had before I was in an office and I was on my bum. My feet hurt and I was shattered when I got home. This might not sound like much, even if for someone to have been out of work for seven years, it might not be a huge thing but for me, it is. I wasn't out of work. I wasn't unemployed. I was unable to work. Seven years ago, I was working nine hours a day in an office. But seven years ago I was also self harming, have regular panic attacks and my depression would get so bad that it would build up until I had to take about two/three weeks off work every six months to cope. By time I left, I was cutting at work, my cutting was getting worse and I as engaging in more and more dangerous and risky behaviour. I also attempted suicide again. Three times in two years. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about three months later. So seven years ago, I had been given the opportunity to attend some full time therapeutic community and I realised this was probably the last chance I would have to improve my mental health as previous attempts at therapy had only really addressed a couple of problems and medication wasn't making a huge difference (now it just keeps me stable). So in the space of a month, one October, I left my job, I left my boyfriend (he was emotionally manipulative and abusive) and left my house and I started this community in the November. I don't regret a thing. I actually wish I had been given the chance to go sooner, and I wish I hadn't had to fight so hard to get the help I did. It's been a long road to get back to this point, where I'm working again, and it's been hard and I've made lost friends and myself a couple, but now I'm happy and healthy (mentally - lol) and life is better than it's ever been. |
| So I've been pretty ill lately, as you may know. Things haven't been easy at Number 12. We had a nice lazy day on Monday, watching MST3K and playing with Lego. My wife bought me a lego train for my birthday so we set that up, built a station and bridge to go over it. We need a level crossing. That's the good. The bad goes like this. I still have a headache, but I got a cough and a temperature over the past couple of days. So did my wife. And she was really anxious about taking to her parents over skype, because she has some health issues she hadn't told them about yet and they're a little awkward about her health. She gets the results on today, but I can't go the the doctors with her because I have to work. So her parents were upset she hadn't spoken to them for a while (over a month), but okay about the health stuff. Her aunt had a heart operation on Monday, routine but serious. And then her nan, who her aunt looks after fell in the driveway and needs an operation too. So stress. Plus money stress, I got like £50 for my birthday and spent 35 on lego for myself instead of my bills and feel terrible about it and I've been avoiding the forms for to update my benefits. Going to do that after this. Instead of continuing my collection of data for one of the GoT tasks. But it shouldn't take all the way til 4pm right? It's like two pages. And I know I earned no money last financial year. So I feel bad about letting down House Baratheon during GoT. All in all, my depression decided this was a good time to crawl back up so all I want to do is sleep. Plus Reb is asleep on my work clothes. Well, this was a ramble. Go House Baratheon! Oh, one last GOOD thing. I got some new merit badges, including:! ![Merit Badge in Reviewing
[Click For More Info]
Ranked # 96 Public Reviewer for the month of April 2014 . For more details, please see [Link To Item #614925] .](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Reviewing-2180.gif) for being Ranked #96 Public Reviewer for the month of April 2014. |
| I don't have much in life. I don't much money, or brains. I work part time in a shop cause my mental health just really hit me for six over the past few years. I'm not cool, I'm not fashionable and I'm not talented. I'm overweight and have dodgy knees and I have to take meds everyday. When I don't, the withdrawal is awful and I am awful. And even with my meds, my mental health isn't perfect. I get anxious a lot, and bouts of depression and lethargy. Despite this though I am happy. I am rich in love and life. It's not an easy life but it's a good life. I have a great wife, a good mother, a wonderful best friend. My niece and nephew are perfect. My sister is a pain in the ass but loves me (she couldn't come cause she had to work, and well, she hasn't had the job long and she does have to support these two children by herself). We didn't have a huge party, I don't have a lot of friends, or even a lot of close family, but what I have are perfect. I am never going to be rich and famous, I never want to be rich and famous. All I want is to spend time with my wife, my family, my friend and write poetry. And I'm lucky, cause I get to do that. (Also eat delicious noms that my wife made). |
| My dad is visiting. He's staying in the town and I was at work all day today so I won't see him until tomorrow. He's going on holiday during my birthday weekend so he's here now. Now. I will see him tomorrow after work. We have an awkward relationship at best. I speak to him once or twice a fortnight, and not about much. We don't have much in common, he's not always been a great dad (or a good one), but he's been less of a jerk lately. He suffers from Parkinson's disease and epilepsy and is an alcoholic. He's not a well man, so I try to maintain a relationship. My sister is better at that, I'm not sure if she's necessary more forgiving, but she dealt with our childhood better differently to me. I dread it, I dread every visit. It'll be fine, it's always fine. It's be boring, tiring and he'll get me a birthday present. But I still dread it every time. Hence today's NaPoWriMo
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| I've been really out of it today. I don't know what happened. I was supposed to be at Oxfam this morning but slept through my alarm and right through the morning. I vaguely remember my wife going to work, and Reb Brown meowing but I woke up at half eleven with him asleep between my legs and my phone underneath me. My NaPoWriMo poem was a bit short today but I couldn't get it down, struggled to get it out. It's a finished piece and wrapped up.
Not much else to stay, still feel out of it. I should've written a poem about that. |
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But, I know what you meant.
So hard when your kids are sick, eh?