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Adventures of the socially challenged! |
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I did not realize until later in life that I have difficulties forming relationships with other people, it sure explained a lot though. It's not like I had a horrible childhood or survived a tragic event, my childhood was classic as far as I can remember. I had a large family, summers filled with picnics and camping, a father that worked hard and a mother who made sure we were happy. There were bad times of course; one very messy divorce, one neighborhood tragedy, and two very embarrassing accidents that required hospital visits, but they are stories for another time. I never had very many friends in school and by the time I reached high school it was clear that I never would. I didn't know where I fit in and I was starved for attention. I would spread rumors about myself just to get any attention at all, the content of the attention did not matter merely as much as the attention itself. I tried hard to stay in school but it was a pointless effort, the harder I tried the worse my life got and I had flunked out of almost every class. I was relieved when I met my first real boyfriend, he gave me a way out of my mothers house and school. Big, big mistake but we are suppose to learn from our mistakes right, somebody forgot to give me that knowledge. so there I was, twenty-two years old with premature baby, living with my mother(again!). Don't get me wrong, I love my mother very much, but she is controlling. Living with her was like being under a microscope, constantly trying to justify why I am me. I started drinking a lot, if you wanted to find me I would usually be at Excaliburs, a bar marked by a gigantic knight in the front and motel in the back. I then met my now Fiancee there and most of those years are a blur. I wandered from place to place and job to job. I never kept friends for long and I can honestly say that I have no idea if it was my choice or theirs. the relationship would just fade away, leaving me alone again! In 2005, I met my ex-husband. What can I say about bikers? They stick together, one minute you're in, a part of the family, next you're out. It was crazy but fun. I Found that making friends was easy, they are open, honest people. My husband and I have two children. and since leaving him, I am out.... Through out all those years, my fiancée was always around, a constant in my life. Of course he wasn't my fiancée then, a friend with amazing benefits. No matter where I was, he made sure I was ok. Our relationship is not like that now, I think when to much happens between two people, there is no going back. As I watch my fiancée slowly fade away, I wonder if I am unlovable? If I caused all of this to protect myself, do I push people away on purpose? We had a beautiful daughter who readies herself for kindergarten as I write. It is scary to think of her out there, but I know she has her dad's charisma and outgoing personality. Looking at her I wonder how someone(me) filled with so much love can have so many issues in life. I have passion, creativity, and drive. But I lack the skills required to interact with people(except the guy at the bar who has been staring at me for two hours). I am left wondering if my creator forgot to install that part of my brain. As I wander back, regret follows me. If I made different choices I would not be here, not be broken. Is this everyone's fate? to wonder about the past, wondering if they would be in a different place. It is hard to counsel yourself, coming to realizations that have eluded you, being able to emerge a mentally stable person. |
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