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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| How can I not beg the question. I am in existential angst. I have four overnights in two weeks to slog thru. I feel wiped out at moment. God helped me to find an inside place that I can want to go to when all seems unsettled and beyond what the stomach can hold! |
| Things can feel strange. I am back home and it was quite the ordeal to get here. Enigma is a sorting thru mystery. I don't honestly know the what and why of work for the next 390 days or so and what form a resurrection experience takes. I go back to work to ministry for only so long and then I am faced with what it means in terms of purpose and accident. Then at the end of a day or lifetime what does it mean that one person is in a prison of not being able to work as opposed to locked up in an understanding of having to work if life is to mean anything at all. At that point who is the puppet and who is the puppeteer?Do I really want to know or be known. |
| It is almost time to leave and it is near time to once again let go. I find myself wanting to give someone money meaning the trip was worth it. I recall asking my grandkids to find something green and having in mind a leaf. It reminds me of the leaving process and helps me decide what is important to me and what do I want to do about it going forward so I write because it is writing that gives me hope. Maybe one of many words can give hope to a person who is lost for words!. |
| I am ready for vacation time to end. What a sobering thought. I am tired and need time to recover. I love family dearly and yet need to find my self at home. I needed time off from work. It is interesting to note, I could have made my last day in Erie a sick day and chose not to. As I come to the end of Julie I made a tad over 27,,000 which is a lot for a year. I am tired and hope to look back at the year glad to be alive. I am still concerned about my light being on in my car indicating maintenance issues with 900 miles to go. |
| The idea of authenticity stirs the writer in me. It is that spark that says I am where I need to be, closer to knowing God's grace in such a way that I no longer need to fear being ashamed of I am in the image of God being reflected, I no longer be special, only me, born in Boston the oldest of eight longing to care for those that need know about God's love wherever God leads me to be. This means I need not be attached anywhere, except to follow God that works in and thru me. |
| What an awful headache. One day till blasting off to KC with my son Tim. I hope I am ready. Less than 400 days till I am 65. So I guess I will see what life looks like in an end frame. Will I work at all? Will I be at a different job. Many questions await in the name of a continuous journey. |
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