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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| You know it is one thing to know something but something completely different to understand something. Abuse is like that. I know abuse because I have gone through it but I never really understood it. I never understood why people who are family, friends or lovers proclaim their love for you then do everything in their power to destroy you mentally, emotionally and physically. You really do come to believe your own worth is less than zero, and that you will never know anything different because you are not deserving of anything different. You really do come to believe that it is because of you, that there is something inherently wrong with you that just brings out the worst in people and yourself. This is something you know... Understanding this is totally different, and you may not ever understand your abuse until you see the same scenarios you have had a starring role in being played out in someone else's life. Then you begin to see that it is not you. That you do not make people crazy, that you are worth more than the bottom of someone's shoe or the back of someone's hand. And that it is not your fault. This epiphany came to me as I sat and binged on Netflix documentaries tonight, and saw the exact same symptoms, and scenes I had gone through myself being demonstrated by different women who had gone through the same thing. And I realized the sickness was not mine but my abusers' carried out through every verbal battery, every physical blow , and every psychological manipulation. I knew things were not right but I always took the blame for them because I believed what I was told about myself and how I was treated. But what I didn't understand was this was not true, not unique and not grounded in anything more than the other persons' need to be in power over me. I was a victim in different aspects of my life, and I saw a very scary pattern through this realization. I seem to seek out these types of relationships. Almost every relationship I have been in has been abusive in one form or another, and while the actual carrying out of the abuses against me were not my fault, my seeking this same type of person over and over again was. I feel a little empowered understanding this, for now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that love would never change these individuals; and I was not a failure for giving up on relationships which were not going to to lead anywhere but eventually to my own grave. There is also something a little unsettling hearing words coming from someone else's mouth that I heard before. Words that I myself had said before... Tonight I took a walk in someone else's shoes, and the shocking thing was that they fit me. |
| Been a while but I am still here still kicking. I think my writing muse is on permanent vacation for I I haven't had anything to write about in a while. Life is it's usual blah, Not much to it except working and sleeping which seems to be the compass of my life right now. Days blend into each other without definition or design. They mesh into a vague beige blend, nothing beautiful or extravagant just always the same. Routines vary little if at all and I sometimes find myself taking alternative routes to work just to shake the day up a little. I try to keep things spontaneous by not thinking about which way to go until I am on my way, thus insuring the spontaneity of the action. Sometimes I will drive almost all of the gas out of my car just to make a simple trip to the gas station an adventure. That is me living on the edge...of monotony. Sometimes at work I will work through my breaks because I do not want to deal with down time even if just for 15 minutes. I contemplate what I should do on my days off then do nothing because I cannot decide what I want to do. And then at times I do have a clear cut idea of what I would like to be doing, but I do nothing because I am usually broke. I will sometimes listen to the birds chirping early in the morning, either sitting on my porch or on my way home from work. As I listen I ponder why they have to make such a racket so early in the morning. I do the same thing at night when the frogs and crickets are singing at the top of their lungs and legs. Things that used to hold beauty escape me anymore and I find myself more and more not caring about the world around or the small things that make life so damn magnificent. If I had my way I would stay in bed and sleep until I was fully awake and quite content to stay that way. That means I probably would never get up. I am beyond bored, and tired, and lonely. I simply just do not care anymore about anything. I just don't care... |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
