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My journal - expect incoherence. |
| This is my journal. A hopefully honest outpouring of my thoughts. |
| When I talked about being in love with Izzy, one of the things I mentioned was that she reminded me a lot of my wife when I first met her. That reminded me of the McBusted song "Before You Knew Me", which has some amazing lines in it such as: You were Hannah Montana Now you're licking things like Miley I feel it may date the song a little, unless Miley keeps doing crazy stunts. But on a more serious note I worry that I am a slightly destructive influence. I'll give a brief history of my love life (don't worry it's not long) even though it does kind of point out a lot of the crappy things I've done. So first girlfriend was when I was 15, (we'll call her G1 because coming up with code names is hard). We dated for almost a year, and lost our virginity together. I then went on holiday met a random girl and ended up kissing her. So that kind of ended things with G1, but it was a bit of a complicated breakup, she was willing to try to forgive me but it kind of seemed like it was over so it was semi-mutual. I then went to college (that's the UK definition of college so 16-18). Me and G1 stayed friends, and continued having sex. The problem was that she started to have a few issues, panic attacks, severe anxiety, even a couple of minor suicide attempts. I'm not saying I was the cause, her father had physically abused her mother while drunk and that had had a pretty major impact on her. But I don't think I was helping much. So during that time I didn't date anyone else, did kiss another girl which caused a bit of friction with G1. I then went to university, where I met G2, we started having casual sex but at some point in the first term it turned into a proper relationship. One of the things I liked about her was she had a fairly strong personality. About 6 months later, I went on a trip with G1 round Australia (it had been planned since before I started university), during that holiday we had quite a lot of sex. I never told G2 about it, I'm not sure how long me and G1 continued having sex, probably for about a year into mine and G2's relationship. After 2 years at university I had a placement year so was at the other end of the country. That was when I met G3. But by that point G2 had already turned from a confident independent woman into a rather needy one. So me and G3 got together on a trip, we only kissed on the trip and when we got back I phoned G2 and told her. Probably a sign of how she had changed was that she was willing to forgive me, was possibly even ok with me sleeping with G3 while on the placement in a kind of open relationship style thing, but I thought it better if we ended things. So a day or two later me and G3 fell into a relationship. I did go up to see G2 and we ended up sleeping together again but we both agreed it was over. While on placement I was diagnosed with IBS, after my placement I went back to university while G3 was at university not far from where we were on placement. The long distance relationship thing was hard, and with my IBS getting worse I went through some pretty bad depression. I managed a year, but in the second developed a crush on another girl, nothing happened with me and her as she wasn't interested, but at that point I was barely leaving the house due to my IBS so things got pretty bad. That's when I contacted G2 again. So for a couple of weeks we were having casual sex. G3 found out and we ended up splitting up, me and G2 continued having casual sex for a little bit but then me and G3 got back together so we stopped. I finished university and moved in with G3, who eventually went on to be my wife. So as you can see not many girls, I've kissed 5 and slept with 3, so not pushing any kind of records. But each one was strong and independent and somehow over time I made them dependent upon me. I cheated on all three, and all three would have taken me back. I didn't want them to become dependent upon me, the thing that attracted me to G2 and G3 were that they were independent. So apart from being a bit of a jerk and not particularly faithful at times I don't really understand what I've done. It's also another reason why I couldn't cheat on my wife with Izzy, it would just seem like a repeat of the pattern starting again. And if I were able to convince Izzy into having a secret affair then I'd be worried about what I was corrupting her into (although as I don't really know her that well she may be very different to how she is at work and so I wouldn't be corrupting her at all). It's also slightly strange that I haven't really been single since I was 15. Technically at college I was, but I'm not sure how much I really believe that, me and G1 were in a rather complex relationship and just pretending that it was casual. So I was either in a relationship, or having casual sex with someone which may or may not have been a relationship as it's hard to tell. |
| As mentioned in my previous post I'm back from vacation. And after the anger at finding my mother-in-law has a propensity for trespassing derailed my plans for my blog post here it is. The vacation was to a place near to where I vacationed as a child. As a result there are a lot of memories, first time I drank alcohol (aged 11), first time I got drunk (13). Spending early teenage summers around women in bikinis there was also a lot of fantasising going on but I didn't have any sexual encounters out there or even kiss a girl, my first girlfriend and first kiss where when I was 15 but my last summer there as a teenager was shortly before my 15th birthday. The great thing about the place (other than some very hot women sunbathing in tiny bikinis) was that I had friends who also went out each year. It's slightly odd to have friends who you pretty much spent 2 or 3 weeks with solidly and then didn't see for another 50ish weeks. Sometimes one of the group wouldn't make it out one year or due to family holidays the wouldn't be as a big an overlap. Unlike home where friends all seemed to be the same age the group of us were spread over about 5 years (hence why I first got drunk at 13 as a couple of guys were 15) which meant that pretty much each year some randoms would join the group on a temporary basis. As you would expect, I did a fair amount of reminiscing about this summers which led me to the realisation that I have no friends anymore. If I ask Facebook then I'm sure it shows me having about 100 but Facebook's definition of friend is somewhat different to mine. My definition of friends is rather simple: If I had every other Saturday afternoon available to do whatever I wanted, would I chose to spend time with them? Based on that I feel the only person who meets the criteria of friend is my daughter, and I'm not sure I can bring myself to be corny enough to say my daughter is my best friend. If somehow I did get Saturday afternoons available, then currently I'd be choosing between spending it by myself or with my daughter. I don't have time for other people. You could try to argue that Izzy falls into the category of friend as I would enjoy spending Saturday afternoons with her, but I don't think she counts as I still wouldn't choose to spend the time with her for obvious reasons. Maybe claiming I have no friends seems overly dramatic, but I'm not saying having no friends is a particular problem it's just the current state of my life. The fact that based on my definition of friend my wife is no longer my friend is rather sad though. Maybe things will change, if I get more time available maybe I'll start wanting to spend some of that time with other people. |
| I was going to write more about my vacation, and childhood and interesting things. Then I returned home and so instead I need to rant about my mother-in-law. She lives round the corner from us, that's not how it's always been, she lived up in London but when she retired, decided to move down south. So while we were away, she came and cleaned the house. You may think that might be a good thing, it isn't. If she came and cleaned the house and that was it, then it would be fine, but every single thing she cleans we then get a lecture on. I don't need to get told that we should be cleaning the windows every 6 months and all the other random crap rules that she comes up with. I would much rather pay someone to come and clean the house, a professional who wouldn't lecture us. The thing is, it isn't just me who gets annoyed by this, my wife does as well. So she gets annoyed and the moans at me which leads to more stress. One of my issues is the idea that my mother-in-law is going through our stuff without our knowledge, in the past she's thrown stuff away that we were keeping, there is also a lot of stuff that I just don't want her seeing. I don't think that annoys my wife that much, although I know she gets annoyed by the tidying that accompanies the cleaning. We gave my daughter a bath, as it was bath night, so I've got her in the bath and she's starting to get bored and a little upset, meanwhile my wife is searching the house trying to work out where my daughter's bath towels are which are normally kept hanging over the stair rail. That was just one of many little annoyances that we really didn't need after a day of traveling. And who knows how many more annoyances are going to turn up over the following days, along with more lectures I'm sure. When she moved down there was a clear understanding that she wouldn't turn up at random, but apparently that doesn't cover turning up at random when we aren't in. Or checking with us what our plans are, we could have given the key to someone else if they needed a place to stay, I almost paid for a cleaning company to come and do the house while we were away, it's only due to them not covering the area that I didn't book them. There are other things about my mother-in-law I could complain about. But I guess I should keep this short. |
| I'm currently on a holiday which is drawing to an end. The first half was pretty awful, my daughter has got a couple of molars coming through so that added with the heat and the change to her schedule she wasn't sleeping at all. I was staying up late trying to get her to sleep then was getting up early with her so was generally exhausted. She has 2 naps a day the first is normally pretty easy with a bit of rocking, the second is more of a struggle pushing her round in a pushchair for up to half an hour. Obviously my wife would do the first and I'd do the second. We are on vacation with my parents so at least I got a bit of help. I know my wife is a little stressed about being with my family but they do just tend to leave us to do what we want it just means the apartment is a bit more cramped than without them. But then again it means we aren't paying for an apartment. Things got pretty bad between us with us taking very little. We did have a chat about it and I told her all I wanted was one day without being shouted at. Things did start to get better but I don't know if that's due to the chat or just because our daughter started sleeping through the night again. If my wife wakes up grumpy she will generally make me do everything then shot at me for doing it wrong or not realising I had to do something completely didn't to what she told me to do. So that puts me in a bad mood and things just speak downwards. It's really hard for the day to then get rescued and so it's pretty much just a crap day and we try again the next. But I've no idea how to fix it in getting up with my daughter to let my wife sleep in but sometimes that just seems to be making it worse as inevitably I well end up having to wake her up at slept at which point I get shouted at again. Maybe when we get home things will get better. The main lump of the refurbishment is complete with only small jobs and decorating left to do but slotting those small jobs in is still going to be tricky and quite a bit needs doing in the garden before the weather gets to bad. My wife has started doing a thing weber we have to evaluate the day it started with saying sad happy or neutral but when I said neutral 3 days in a row we have expanded it to 5 levels so I've bounced a little between neutral and happyish.she asked what it would take for me to be properly halt and at the moment I have no clue. |
| Where do I go from here? My wife wants to try for a second child. I'm really concerned that the stress is just going to get worse and that could cause the end of us. On the other hand not trying is going to cause it's own set of stress. I do want a second child but just not sure now is the right time. But I've no idea when the right time might be. It's possible that in 2 years my salary may mean we could avoid my wife having to work which I think would make her a lot happier. It would mean me going back to fill time though. We are kind of extending/renovating our house which is all getting a bit complicated trying to juggle the mortgage but once it's all done should hopefully result in lower monthly repayments if we can get the loan to value ratio correct. But until that is done it's hard to judge what our financial situation is really going to be like. So is it wrong to try for a baby with someone who I'm not confident I'll still be married to in 5 years time? |
| So the question is why now? What has prompted all of this? I guess the simple trigger is that I'm in love with another woman. That's over simplifying matters and love may be completely the wrong word. I guess I should point out that I'm not having an affair and don't believe I would. Nothing has happened between me and the woman and I doubt it would. We work together and hopefully she has no idea about how I feel. She's too young for me, or more specifically I'm too old for her, with her being a decade younger than me. Instead of referring to her as the other woman I'll give her the name Izzy just so I have something to refer to her by. Apart from a few work outings, we haven't spent any time together out of work. It's probably easier to fall in love with someone you don't know very well, if you know little about someone but like everything you know then you just assume everything you don't know you will also like. She's pretty, intelligent, funny, kind and really happy and positive. Work can be really stressful at times and at the end of a hectic week she will still be smiling. Regardless of what we are talking, about it can be work or quantum mechanics, I always feel uplifted. It's impossible to be miserable when talking to her no matter how crap I feel before we start talking. The thing is my description of Izzy is pretty much the same as I would have described my wife when we got together. So what has changed? As I explained before having a child was stressful, years of my wife being anxious and depressed about that fact that we weren't pregnant. During the pregnancy I was terrified but she was generally happier than she had been for ages, she didn't suffer from morning sickness at all and even managed to cope with being diagnosed with gestational diabetes despite a complete fear of needles. The birth was relatively easy and short, due to high blood pressure she was induced. The first day at hospital was just sitting around waiting and eventually being told that the labour ward was full so nothing was going to happen, so from waters being broken on the second day to the birth was about 9 hours. The first weeks were hard but I had 3 weeks off work to help out and like I said previously she actually was pretty good at sleeping. So one thing I haven't talked about is that I have IBS and due to that can't drive and don't really cope being in a car very well at all. So I'm pretty much dependant on my wife driving me to work, that wasn't too much of an issue as we work together but with my wife on maternity leave it started to cause arguments. The arguments pretty much revolved around my wife being upset that I wasn't grateful enough for the lifts and me being upset that she didn't seem grateful for the fact that I was willing to work full time when all I wanted was to be at home with my daughter. After a year and a bit my wife went back to work 3 days a week and that's when I dropped down to 4. So we have 2 days where we are both at work then she looks after our daughter 2 days and I get her on the other. Since returning to work my wife is not happy. She doesn't want to be at work and only working 3 days a week isn't productive. I think it's the stress of working plus the fact our daughter is teething and so our sleep is completely iratic plus a few tummy bugs and bad colds that has resulted in her being very irritable. As a result I'm getting shouted at a lot and that's hard to cope with. I'm very introverted, hate social activities, and really need to spend time by myself to destress. My wife on the other hand is very sociable, which causes more conflict as she wants me to be sociable as well. I feel like I'm doing a good job as a father, but it's not easy and it doesn't really leave me much energy to be a good husband, all I want to do when my daughter is in bed is relax on the sofa watching TV and playing on my laptop. So I mentioned that I don't believe I would have an affair with Izzy, I probably should expand on that. I love my wife and that's part of it, but possibly more than that, is that I don't think I could put Izzy through it. Affairs are pretty seedy at the best of the times and they never remain secret for all that long. But if you assume it does stay secret then there would be a lot of sneaking around and lying and that's not great for anyone. Even if I didn't have an affair and instead split up with my wife then started dating Izzy there would still be rumours that she was the reason for the breakup. So as I said I don't think anything could ever happen between me and Izzy. So in summary, I'm in love with a woman I can't be with who reminds me of my wife when we first met. I love my wife but am finding it harder and harder to live with her. And all of that just feels like it's slowly crushing me. |
| The problem is rather simple I guess. I'm not happy. It seems like I should be able to say something more complex, more elaborate or more eloquent. It has more facets to it I guess but at the heart it's about not being happy. Unfortunately, although the problem is simple, I've no clue what the solution is. I also don't really know when it started. The past few years have been stressful, it took 18 months of trying to get pregnant during which time my wife got more and more upset whenever a friend announced they were pregnant. So a little over 2 years ago we found out we were pregnant which was great. But it was the start of months of stress. A huge number of pregnancies fail in the first 12 weeks and knowing how upset my wife got each month she discovered she wasn't pregnant I was terrified if anything went wrong she wouldn't cope. We had a few scares resulting in private scans, extra scans, trips to hospital. But we made it through and our daughter was born relatively easily. Becoming a father was great, I love my daughter more than I thought was possible. I'm sure I've claimed that I've loved people enough that I would die for them and maybe that was true. But for my daughter I know I would. I said the problem is I'm not happy, but I don't mean I'm never happy. It would be impossible not to be happy when playing with my daughter. She is amazing, compared to other babies she actually slept quite well. Some sleepless nights and when teething there were a few rough weeks but on the whole we have been really lucky. So my daughter makes me happy, but on the whole I'm not happy. |
| So I guess the first thing is to explain a bit about who I am. Whilst trying to remain anonymous. I'm a British male, in my thirties. I've been with my wife over a decade, married for about half of it. We have a daughter who is 17 months old. I work in an office of a company my wife also works in. Although she only works part time. I work 4 days a week looking after my daughter on the 5th. There isn't all that much more to me. |
| So why am I writing a journal? And maybe more importantly why on an anonymous second account? My wife knows about my main account, although I don't think she ever reads anything I write. A lot of what I write might upset her so it makes sense to keep it secret. I considered just having a private book but there is something about it being public that makes it more real. And that might keep me more honest. I'm struggling at the moment with a lot of stuff, and maybe writing down everything will help. It might not. |
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