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Everything's on a spectrum. I'm somewhere in the middle. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** You wear your mask I'll wear mine They don't come cheap But they fit just fine You can be her And I can be him And we'll both sink While the rest all swim --The Fratellis, "Imposters" Please check out my other two blogs--they're blasts from a decade-old past:
The first blog: "Invalid Item"  And the second: "Invalid Item" |
| I'm down to, I think, my last shot. Just had the interview this morning. There could be new openings soon and maybe these other schools will remember that maybe I wasn't so bad--I have until July 1st before I can't give my notice, but here's a grief I need to vent. I'm known as a hard teacher. This pisses me off. I get emails on the regular about my standards being too high. This pisses me off. (Cite your shit, and capitalize your Is. Spell names correctly. BASIC STUFF). My VP told a colleague of mine that my class is harder than his master's program because I gave a kid who didn't cite their sources a 60%. Anywhere else this would have likely resulted in a zero. I even offered a third chance. This student is still learning, BUT this student's parents decided to transfer out of my class, which THANK GLOB because jesus fuck what a family. That mom wrote a 7 page complaint on me. It was almost flattering. So at my current site, my colleagues think I'd be best suited to teach AP next year. Because I'm hard. They got kind of pissy when I said I'd do it without being hella excited about it. They want someone to be excited about it, so I reminded them that I was getting excited about it last year until someone shinier came along. I'm tired of getting excited about things to be pushed aside for someone who is seemingly shinier. I'm still new to this job, but I know what I'm about. I wish others did too. And anyway, I really think I'm doing good for the lower-level kids, the reluctant ones, the ones who hate English. Those are the kids I care about. The advanced kids are great but a small group of them are the most entitled shits I've ever met--and it's because of their parents who think their baby turned something in and that should be good enough. I'm not excited about potentially being the reason the would-be valedictorian isn't valedictorian anymore because they phoned it in during their final quarter of school. This happens. I'm just not in the mood, and at my current site, I'm fairly convinced I wouldn't have the back up. "Teach AP, next year," my colleagues say. "You're hard. You like that subset of kids." I do like those kids. They're intelligent and make good jokes and insightful comments and they care about their grades (often they care more about their grades than actually learning the material, but that's another post). BUT it's like nobody realizes that other kids do, too, and they don't even realize that they can because nobody has ever given them the chance or told them so. I'm not that hard. I expect my students to reach a certain reasonable standard, just above what they're comfortable with. I used to be ridiculous, sure, but I'm learning. I'm always open to feedback and reflecting on what I could do better to meet their needs. It would be awesome if my colleagues could get to know me beyond that I'm kind of funny and have anxiety. They think I'm having a hard year because I'm only teaching freshmen. Hardly the case. I love my little shits, and they know it even if they don't all like me. But yes it is difficult and exhausting to train them for high school. Junior high doesn't do them much in the way of favors--and it's not necessarily the teachers' faults. I don't know what to do about it though other than pick up the pieces and see what I can do. There's a saying in education that the kids will reach the standard you set. Where I'm at now it's all lip service. A redesignated ELL speaker with other issues earned a B on a written assignment because we would not give up. Hard? More like labor intensive, but do you know how proud this was with that final grade? Walked around like a goddamn peacock for the rest of the period. It was AWESOME. They see their improvements and what perseverance means. That's important. That's what I want. I want to help those kids. They're the ones who need us most. But apparently I'm too hard. Meanwhile my current admin preach perseverance and scholarship but then tell me to just give the kids the points when parents start to make noise. While their noise bothers me too, in the end I give zero shits. I've dealt with enough asshole parents. I know their MO, and our world does not need more assholes. I also remind my admin about our so called "honor code" that preaches scholarship and integrity and perseverance. Lip service. I'm over it. I just applied for a job at the high school my actual kids are/will attend. This school told me they want someone who will happily help the reluctant and the strugglers and those who are very much behind. It's my sincerest hope that they, whether they offer it to me or not, know that I would. What are two words you would use to describe your class? Funny and rigorous. They'll know what they're getting, at least. |
| It's what I do. Kid didn't cite their sources like we talked about for 2-3 weeks? I'm going to piss a parent off for assigning a bad grade reflective of that. Kid is a 0.5% away from an A and I can't call you because I have a life but I'll email you all day about what your kid can do to get that A? I'm going to piss off a parent. Kid allow another person to copy off of them? I'm going to piss off a parent because that student is getting half credit, though they deserve a zero. BE KIND TO YOUR TEACHERS. We are people too and we're just trying to teach your kid how to do well in school. I need this year to be over now. |
| I joined 11 years ago. Left probably 9 years ago. Here are the highlights, for better or worse. 1. Went to a nearby state university and graduated with a 4.0 in my major. Still impressed with myself just for finishing something I started. 2. Won a fiction contest from said university. I look back at it now and only see problems, but structurally it was really sound, and that's huge for me. 3. Went through a bullshit credential program. They're all bullshit though. 4. I lost my grandpa, my grandma, and my great grandma. My old blog posts remind me of how much I used to struggle with family. Some of it is still there, but they were the glue. It's been hard readjusting and looking at who we have and what would happen if any one of them died. I've always struggled with death. 5. Lost 40 pounds, and only a smidge of that was boob (reductions are awesome). Looking at my old blogs I remember just how hard this was. Some of it has come back. Meds will do that to you. So will surgeries that leave you unable to do anything physically and mentally discouraged. 6. Became a teacher in middle school, then a high school teacher. We finally have money and don't freak out if we need to spend $20. Dual incomes are pretty great, though I do daydream about being home again. That said, working has saved me. 7. I met and hugged Allyson Hannigan (YOU GUYS) and a girl I met here 'lo so many years ago *davina* Here's where it gets shitty. Here's what's on my mind all the time. 8. Three days after I became a high school teacher, and the morning after my 34th birthday, my best friend who I used to write about on my old blogs died. We all thought she killed herself. It made sense. She was so sick for so long and had tried before. The narrative we got was that she got a gun from her police chief husband and shot herself in the head. I hadn't spoken with her since a text or three a few months prior. She'd done a good job of pushing me away, and I'm so sorry I let her. I'm sifting through old blog posts describing how we began to get to know each other, and I miss her every single day. I remain in touch with her boys. Her daughter is younger and I only ever got to see her when we happened to be at the store at the same time. I hope she gets on Facebook soon. 9. Two years later I learn that maybe my friend didn't kill herself. Maybe she was murdered. There are whisperings that she was shot twice in the head, but it's hard to get any facts because her husband was at the time politically powerful. In some ways he still is, though he's royally screwed himself over. He remarried quickly and took off for Oklahoma after losing his job following accusations that he sexually assaulted a woman in the police academy around the time he cheated on my friend. He wants to be where nobody knows him, but he's deluded. The internet doesn't forgive, and he's split his kids up in the process. His boys are here with their grandma; his girl is with him, but she needs her brothers. She needs someone who knows the hell she's been through. 10. Last November a drunk driver killed my nephew. He wasn't even 19 yet. It's some serious bullshit. I still wonder if I'm happy. I've never had the answer to that, so I continue to find the humor in things because that's what people seem to like most about me. It's what I seem to like most about me. But I'm back to thinking about what could have been and it makes me sad. I have checked off a lot of things that most people do when they're teens or in their 20s that I never did, but I'm pretty sure there are some things I will only ever be able to do vicariously, and that sucks. It shouldn't feel that way, but it does. I'm turning 37 this year, and I'm having a hard time of it. I like my 30s but it's going so quickly. I don't want to be old. I think I felt like this at 27 too, but maybe less like "my god I'm almost 50" which I know is laughable but still. I'm writing again though, if you can call it that--it's editing of an older story that totally flopped when I took a creative writing class. I always thought it was good, though it was shitty to be sure, just not the trash people seemed to think it was. It just needed more time. Creative writing classes offer you no time. Anyway, I've got this new story to below 5000 words. It's not updated on WDC, and it has some logistical issues, but I think I'm slowly ironing them out. Things are what they are. They could be so much worse, but my friend and my nephew could also be alive. It's weighing on me. |
| Eric's really good at finding new shows on Netflix and Hulu. I don't have the patience. Just recently he found a show called "Everything Sucks!" that takes place in the 90s (1996, specifically). I turned 15 years old that year. The main character, Kate, caught my eye--but not right away, not until the second episode that I watched. Kate dresses in baggier jeans and flannel shirts. Check Kate doesn't wear makeup. Check (I might add that I didn't because holy insecurity batman! I eventually settled on eye liner as my everyday must) Kate LOVES Tori Amos. Check Kate digs chicks. ...Yeah. Check So my senior year I finally came to grips with myself on this one--but writing that sounds disingenuous. I didn't really come to grips per se, but I became aware. I developed a slight crush on a classmate named Rose after a dream I had. My then douchey boyfriend caught on that maybe I was bi. I think he mostly wanted something to jerk off to, but he wasn't wrong, and it kind of terrified me that he knew. But yeah. Watching that show was something else. The only thing is that awkward Kate got more action without much effort than I ever could let myself think about getting. Being bi or gay was...well. Discouraged. Not thought about. Acknowledged, but from a distance. To this day my dad thinks it's icky. I want to tell him so much that it's only icky if you're not into it. I want to tell my family sometimes, but I don't. Fun times. I might some day. As it is, I'm married. I have kids. I've never had a girlfriend. They'd be so quick to dismiss it that I might get whiplash, and I just don't have the emotional capacity for that nonsense. But anyway, hell of a show. I hope they order more episodes. |
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