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Saturday, May. 4, 2024

6:33pm EDT

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Somewhere in the Middle

by chicochica

Rated: GC · Book · Personal · #2158440

Everything's on a spectrum. I'm somewhere in the middle.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

You wear your mask
I'll wear mine
They don't come cheap
But they fit just fine
You can be her
And I can be him
And we'll both sink
While the rest all swim

--The Fratellis, "Imposters"

Please check out my other two blogs--they're blasts from a decade-old past:

The first blog: "Invalid Item"

And the second: "Invalid Item"

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

Fivesixer

May 24, 2020 at 4:14pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Nice to see you back, even if everything seems shitty lately. It's shitty for most of us in different ways, and that's not meant to take anything away from your feelings. I'm with ya though...I'm pretty much done with people. You're good people, Lisa, no matter what these fuckin' people say or do or think of you. You deserve better.

And mad props for offering to review. You're a better person than I, who hasn't reviewed anything with any substance in, like, years.

Fivesixer

Nov 26, 2018 at 4:10pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

"The mind is an amazing asshole." Yep, ya damn sure got that right.

For awhile my therapist kept talking to me about "purpose", and maybe trying to go back to work...even after I'd explained to him multiple times that retail was a big reason why I was breaking down mentally and physically. I understood that having zero direction in life wasn't healthy for me, but having that type of direction was exponentially worse...my body could no longer respond to the demands being on your feet 40 hours a week places on you, and there was no way I could handle the mental aspects of dealing with people anymore (coupled with the burdens upper management places upon you). It sounded like an express-lane trip back to the psych ward.

Anyway, I'm glad that you've been able to find the structure you need. Yes, no matter what you do or where you go, there will always be shitty people. Yes, some days it's harder than others to resist throat-punching them. Being honest to yourself about them, however, is way more important than trying to figure out how or why you should be honest to them. Engage with yourself first (I'm sure you know that already); then you come to find you don't need to worry quite as much about dealing with them in any way/shape/form.

Just Jamie

Oct 22, 2018 at 1:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Even though she could have been murdered, she still carried the pain of depression and suicidal idealization, so the technicality of it doesn't really come close to the fact that she wanted to die, and you tried to help, but in the end it wasn't enough. The fact that she carried those burdens with her until her last breath is enough pain for you to carry and ask your students not to joke about it. It's a serious topic, and I don't think people understand how just joking around really hurts. No one knows the pain people go through when they sit there thinking about how the world would be so much better if they were just gone.

The biggest reason I've ever wanted to kill myself is to just be away from myself. I hate my mind, I hate the shit it says to me, I hate how it makes me feel. All these horrible evil thoughts swimming through my head, making me feel worthless and small, and hated. I just want to get away. I want it to stop, and one of the only ways I knew how was to just kill myself. To shut my brain up finally, to not have to deal with it anymore. Now that I'm on meds, I tend to not carry into that area that deeply anymore, but it's still there. My best friend is the same way. I can't tell you how many times we've had to talk each other off the ledge. The biggest reason she's my best friend is because we've been through similar shit in our childhoods, and even though we're broken, we both came out survivors, and made better lives for ourselves. We never used it as a crutch. We also carry that pain though with us everywhere we go, and at times, it's unbearable, so we know what it's like to just want to let go. We have seriously carried each other through some shit, lemme tell you.

Think of it this way: you know how it feels to be on both sides. You watched Sara slip away from you while she was alive. She basically died on the inside, and you were forced to watch it happen. Even though her husband may have murdered her (which I hope that motherfucker gets his comeuppance), you still witnessed her pull away for good, and you know how it feels to want to as well. There's no shame in letting people know it's not right to joke about it because of that.

Just Jamie

Oct 20, 2018 at 9:33am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

It's always the narrow minded and shallow people that cause the most problems. God forbid you spend time on minorities, that makes their poor little selves minorities instead, and we just can't have that!! This is the US of A! White people are so much more deserving and special!! Psssh, and they call those of us that swing towards the left politically or have some actual empathy and compassion "snowflakes"?? THEY'RE the snowflakes. Always getting so upset when things aren't perfect for THEM. Makes me sick.

And helicopter parents...OMG. I hate them so much. I get that you're concerned about your kid's grades, but you know what? You're only going to get them loathing themselves for not being everything you want them to be or having perfect grades. Their self worth goes down the toilet because basically they've failed that parent AND themselves, and they must be such horrible people. Helicopter parents end up putting so much pressure and stress on their kids instead of taking the brunt of it off them like they think they do. I don't know how that girl is going to survive this world if she's headed out into the world without her mom. Her mom is setting her up to fail, and that's not good. And for christ's sake, this mom is scared of her daughter going through a little adversity?? Good luck if she ever gets fired from a job, or has issues paying for things, etc. She'll be fucked.

I don't blame you for just wanting to do your job, and with everyone being assholes, you'd rather just stop teaching. It's always something that has to ruin it, which sucks because the thing we need most in this damn country is good teachers who give a shit. The country is losing a whole bunch because of bureaucracy bullshit like what you're going through.

Just Jamie

Oct 10, 2018 at 5:27pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I had this huge long rant of a comment for you, but I had to delete most of it because it was too long for WdC's liking. Ugh, whatevs. I just wanted to say, I know how it goes, and I know what you're going through. I really wish psychiatrists would get with the program and actually listen to us, instead of just "hearing" us and assuming they know what to put us on from a few moments of seeing us. I'm glad you journal, and keep an eye on all of this. Once upon a time, I used to journal too. Not sure why I stopped honestly. I feel like an asshole for it.

Thanks for the update. I'll keep rooting for you. I appreciate you keeping up with this and letting us know, even if there is only one or two of us reading.

Just Jamie

Sep 8, 2018 at 10:46am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I went in to a pdoc about 10 years ago because my therapist was sure I had ADD. I was put on Adderall at first, and it did wonders. I went to the pdoc, and she put me on Concerta, which exacerbated my symptoms, to which she told me I didn't have ADD, I had bipolar II. She tried to shove Abilify down my throat, so I left her immediately. I'm pretty sure she was paid off by the med company to shove people on meds that she gets side payments for. I went to another pdoc who decided that the bipolar II fit, and started me on Geodon (HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DRUG), Lamactil, and lated added Celexa to my mix. I was on this combo for about 7 years, and went through two more pdocs at the time that never questioned what I was on or what it did to me, or if it was the right diagnosis for me at all. Finally, found my current pdoc, told him how the Geodon was treating me, he actually tested me to see if I was really bipolar or not. Come to find out, I'm not. I just have severe anxiety and depression. I was weaned off the Geodon (thank god), and have stayed on the Lamactil and the Celexa. My anxiety has dropped immensely, and thanks to the Lamactil, my moods stay stable and I'm good. To be honest, this is the best I've felt in the last 10 years. When I finally got off the Geodon in July, I ended up losing 12 lbs because of it. It was a real confidence booster.

I hope you can find the magic combo that helps you out. I would definitely keep looking into the bipolar and OCD. I know they can both manifest together.

chicochica

Sep 1, 2018 at 10:41pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Exactly! I'm glad there are people like you out there. Parents, especially.

Just Jamie

Sep 1, 2018 at 8:04pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm all for adding diversity wherever and whenever! I get really tired of stereotypical BS. I think that's why I actually enjoy BoJack Horseman...there's all kinds of different characteristics and personalities of each character, and one of the characters is asexual. A lot of asexual people have wrote in to say how great of a job the writers are doing to represent that community, and I'm thrilled! Diversity needs to be more widely accepted-I'm sick of people being marginalized. Whenever I talk to my kids, I never say to my son "your wife" and I never say to my daughter "your husband", I always tell them "your partner" or "your significant other" (because also, not EVERY couple gets married, and you know what? There is NOTHING wrong with that!), because it's not my place to decide how heteronormative my kids are. They seem staunchly heterosexual right now, but maybe they're repressing it, I'm not sure, so I try to be as inclusive as possible, in case things shift in the future. Acceptance is a beautiful thing, and I'm glad to see that the entertainment department is starting to finally get with the times.

I'd love to read your story. Glad it sparks a passion in you to write about it!

Just Jamie

Jul 19, 2018 at 5:44pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

OMG I feel you. I've been through 4 pdocs, and I'm finally with one that believes what the hell's going on with me. I was diagnosed ADHD, so they put me on Adderall. That shit was my wonder drug, it took care of everything. They didn't want to give it to me anymore (worried about giving me heart issues), so they tried to put me on Concerta instead, which only exacerbated my ADHD issues. Pdoc #1 suggested then it's not ADHD, it's bipolar, even though I don't really have any symptoms of bipolar. She tried to throw me on Abilify, but I wouldn't take it. I went to another pdoc who then said "since it says bipolar, I'm going to stick you on Geodon", to which I JUST got off of, thank god. I was stuck on high doses of Geodon for a long time. All it made me do is gain weight and be sleepy all the time. When that pdoc left town, another pdoc took over my care, and everything was fucked up. She decided to throw MORE meds into the mix, instead of doing research with me on what could be the issue, and I got even more screwed up than before. She moved out of town, so I ended up with this pdoc, who's the best one of them all so far, but he's about an hour away from me. He actually listened to me, and realized, I'm not bipolar at all. I have high anxiety and depression, but there's no mania. We started weaning me off the Geodon (which I just kicked this week...it has a certain caloric intake that you have to take in order to activate it. Fuck that noise. I want to be able to eat soup for dinner and not wig out.), and started working more on the Celexa and the Lamictal. I'm the heaviest I've ever been right now. I've tried EVERYTHING. My doctors are suggesting I look into bariatric surgery. Since I've pretty much tried everything else, I'm conveying with my insurance to see if it's an available option for me. I can't keep living like this.

Good luck to you. I hope they finally get you the meds you need and help you and listen to you instead of telling you what you should do. They don't know you like you do. Only you know what works for you and what doesn't.

Just Jamie

Jul 5, 2018 at 2:48pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

It's shitty when something you went to school for to make a career out of ends up being something you start to hate. Not that I'm saying you hate it, but if it's causing you enough anxiety to want to go back to retail, that's definitely saying something.

I hope the new school works out better for you. My oldest is the kid that gets put in all the AP classes. He's a really smart kid, but he's also kinda lazy, so I always hope that he gets hard ass teachers that are stern and make sure he gets his shit together. I bark at him a lot to do his homework every night. He usually does it without me barking, but still, there are days when he just is out and couldn't give another shit, so those are the nights I have to make sure he's on top of his game. I hate that I have to be that way, but he gets it from his dad.

My youngest is a sharp little thing, but she has autism, so it makes it that much harder for her. She's got a helluva work ethic though, she doesn't take no for an answer, and she will bust her ass to make sure she's got everything turned in on time and filled out. She's never been in special ed only-she's always been in an inclusive class in general ed, so she's pretty smart herself, to be able to carry that load. She has an IEP, which helps tremendously, but all in all, they expect from her what they expect from their other general ed students, and she works really hard to deliver that.

I always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher, but seeing how parents are about their kids now, I'm actually kind of terrified to start working towards that again.

Teachers are the greatest gift to all of humankind. It's a damn shame they're treated so shitty. No one would know anything if it wasn't for a teacher.

#34. This is not fine.
ID #984913 entered on June 3, 2020 at 11:36am

#33. If I were 18 again
ID #984296 entered on May 25, 2020 at 2:39pm

#32. Keep me busy
ID #983922 entered on May 19, 2020 at 11:31am

#31. Fine. I think.
ID #983731 entered on May 16, 2020 at 2:44pm

#30. Salty. Die Mad.
ID #983563 entered on May 14, 2020 at 1:33pm

#29. Keeping busy
ID #983310 entered on May 11, 2020 at 11:00am

#28. Stop it now
ID #983250 entered on May 10, 2020 at 3:41pm

#27. A helluva road
ID #961454 entered on June 24, 2019 at 12:26pm

#26. New Orleans #1
ID #960820 entered on June 15, 2019 at 1:59am

#25. Head doc
ID #960588 entered on June 10, 2019 at 10:19pm

#24. 15 Things I've Learned About Me This Year
ID #960465 entered on June 9, 2019 at 5:51pm

#23. Things I Can Do Other Than Teach
ID #960061 entered on June 2, 2019 at 12:48pm

#22. Integrity is a thing, I hear
ID #960057 entered on June 2, 2019 at 12:30pm

#21. Mid-Life B.S.
ID #956886 entered on April 19, 2019 at 4:56pm

#20. Questionable
ID #956599 entered on April 15, 2019 at 1:59am

#19. Manic
ID #954827 entered on March 23, 2019 at 5:43pm

#18. Car crashes
ID #946237 entered on November 24, 2018 at 11:59pm

#17. Reminiscing
ID #946031 entered on November 22, 2018 at 1:00pm

#16. The ugly, the bad, and the good
ID #945015 entered on November 6, 2018 at 9:49am

#15. If only
ID #944813 entered on November 3, 2018 at 2:48pm

#14. Warning: Spoilers for A Star is Born. Not the happiest entry
ID #943902 entered on October 21, 2018 at 10:47pm

#13. I love teaching, but shit.
ID #943771 entered on October 19, 2018 at 6:06pm

#12. Mental update
ID #942824 entered on October 6, 2018 at 10:43am

#11. Where's that goddamn squirrel?
ID #940833 entered on September 4, 2018 at 11:39pm

#10. Putting passion into words
ID #940651 entered on September 1, 2018 at 10:43pm

#9. slightly mental
ID #938278 entered on July 19, 2018 at 12:41pm

#8. More talking about writing.
ID #937511 entered on July 6, 2018 at 11:59am

#7. Focus, focus.
ID #937304 entered on July 4, 2018 at 11:25am

#6. Submitted
ID #936422 entered on June 16, 2018 at 12:39pm

#5. invisible
ID #936044 entered on June 9, 2018 at 1:40pm

#4. i'm hard.
ID #935474 entered on May 29, 2018 at 3:08pm

#3. pissing off parents
ID #935035 entered on May 21, 2018 at 9:02pm

#2. a lot happens in 10 years
ID #934847 entered on May 19, 2018 at 5:09pm

#1. everything sucks -- o, my childhood
ID #934791 entered on May 18, 2018 at 9:27pm

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