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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Actually made it to a couple appointments this week after continuously cancelling. I've only made it to 1 therapy appointment of the last 4 that were scheduled. A couple of them I just completely spaced out on going to and a couple I was too busy with work to get away for an hour. Visited a new dentist and got a treatment plan started for my TMJ dysfunction. After feeling the muscle there, the doctor said it's likely a large factor in my increase in migraines as the muscle is tight and the joint is swollen. I've got a follow up in a few weeks to get fitted for a splint which I'm hopeful will start to ease the pain and migraines that are keeping me in a daze. I also made it to my therapy appointment and had an interesting session there. We discussed my brain fog and pain issues I've been having. I told her one of the biggest changes I've noticed is that I get frustrated/overwhelmed really easily now. Not only recently, but within the past couple years I've found it increasingly difficult to express or feel empathy which is odd for me. It's something that used to come naturally to me. My brain sees people's issues, whatever they may be, as another task on the neverending to-do list in my brain. I hope this makes sense. What I'm trying to say is that when people vent to me about things, I start to get frustrated easily in my brain rather than being able to actively listen and offer helpful feedback. I know this sounds dismissive, but so many of the problems that are brought to my attention feel like such non-issues to me. I know that sounds bad. But it's like my brain sees every new thing someone says as a brand new piece of information to take in and try to process. And it's really difficult for me right now. I just want to scream, "Please keep me on a need to know basis with this stuff" because it clutters my brain more than it already is. My therapist of course told me that I can't pour from an empty cup and that I need to work through my issues before trying to help others with their issues. That's easier said than done, I think, especially because I've always been a good listener that people tend to talk to when an issue comes up for them. But just a few examples of the types of things I'm talking about. These are things (more or less, can't remember full details) that people have vented to me about this week... "I'm waiting at the restaurant for my friend and they're 15 minutes late" followed by 10 ranting paragraphs about how rude it it is to not be punctual. Like, yes, totally valid to be frustrated about, but can you just play a game on your phone or check out the news or something instead of singling me out as the person to send a million messages to about it? "My friend's brother's wife just found out she has X illness." Again, that sucks and I wish her only the very best in her recovery. Sending good vibes and positive thoughts and all of that. But to continue to rant about it in a way that implies that your week is going horribly because of that... I just... I know I sound like just the worst. But I don't have the mental space. I've never met this person. I don't believe that your life is truly upended by this news and I don't know what to say except I'm wishing her well. "I just cut my hair short and I miss it being long. Ugh why does this always have to happen to ME?!" Sorry about your haircut. It'll grow back soon enough. Like I get that these are minor things to have to 'shoulder' on my part, but it's the fact that people never just... stop? Like, I acknowledge their issue, confirm that it sucks, and then they just... keep ranting about it... And I get that it's ironic for me to be venting about this now, but at least I'm just yelling into the void of my blog. I'm not picking one of you out specifically and unloading all of my stress onto you with the expectation that you're going to take on my issues. Like you could read half of the entry and then just close out and there's no issue there. It's different when someone singles you out and starts manically messaging you about things that aren't *that* big of a deal. I don't know where I was going with this except to say that it was something we discussed in therapy. My therapist said that it's perfectly okay to just tell people that I don't have the emotional capacity right now to take on other people's day-to-day issues. I think that's again easier said that done. Trying to tell someone who's venting to you that you don't have the capacity to respond to their issue right now, but that has not worked in my experience. Even if they do take it well when I say that I'm having issues with migraines and I can't really respond well to their situation right now, they just message me the next day with similar stuff. It's like how do you tell someone to only vent about things that are actually serious for the foreseeable future, which has been months and will likely continue to be months, because you're focused on yourself? I just want to be like, damn, please self soothe until I can hold an actual conversation. In other news, thanks for the comments on my previous post. I'm feeling more confident that I could at the very least start reviewing some here because it seems that I'm making enough sense for the most part to do that. I hope you've all had a good week and a relaxing weekend ahead.  |
*insert noises of suffering here* I hope everyone's well. I know my updates every 2 months are very exciting and not at all a major drag. I went to look at what I wrote about in my prior post because I don't remember it at all, and surprise surprise, it was about brain fog and how I can't remember or process anything. Perfect. I had this conversation at work today in the small talk minutes before a meeting started– Coworker: I think it's supposed to rain here in Florida today. Me: What? Coworker: I'm pretty sure it's supposed to rain here in Florida today. Me: What does that mean? Coworker: ................................... the weather? Where I live in Florida, we're supposed to get a little bit of rain today. My brain, finally understanding basic words: Ooooh, in Florida you're supposed to get some rain today. Coworker: Yes...  This is pretty much how all of my communication goes these days. When someone texts me, I read the message probably 10-15 times to make sure I understood it correctly and then I take 20 minutes to reply because I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes any sense. I have to keep rereading my words because they make no sense to me, but when I have someone else read the message they're like, "yes, this makes perfect sense, what are you talking about?" I ended up going to my doctor to be like ahhh help. She asked a bunch of questions and we went through my migraines, how often I'm getting them, how long they last, etc. I've been getting more frequent migraines this summer. AT this point for example I've had a migraine every day this week. She said she doesn't think I'm really getting a break at all between migraines because the second one stops, the next one is already starting. Because brain fog from one migraine can last 24-48 hours, but by then I have another migraine and it's just repeating endlessly. So she gave me another abortive medication to try. It obviously isn't working well because I've had migraines every day this week despite that. And then she referred me out to a neurologist to look into a preventative migraine medication, but he has like terrible reviews. I'm talking 1 out of 5 stars "I would not recommend this doctor for my worst enemy" kind of reviews. So I'm looking into finding a new neurologist myself with better reviews because these specialists are not cheap and the last thing I need is to waste time and money on bad treatment. I can't remember what else I was going to say. Oh also, I'm really frustrated because I feel like no one understands what I'm saying. I don't know if my communication is just so bad or what but when I vent about this I keep having people say, "Oh but you're so smart, you got this." and I'm like you don't understand, like I have a job where I have to critically thing ALL.OF.THE.TIME. I can't at all be "off" because my entire job is to be a critical thinker who is capable of complex problem solving on the spot. I'm constantly stressed out because I'm sitting in meetings feeling like I'm not even there. My brain can't keep up with anything that's going on. The room is spinning. I'm nauseous as hell and losing weight because who can eat when they're nauseous? I get asked questions all day and I'm just like a deer in headlights because I can't remember what I've just heard or follow the conversation at all. And it's really hard when people are like, "Oh it's fine because you're smart" when smart has nothing to do with it. It doesn't matter how smart I could potentially be when my brain feels like it's literally melting and I can't keep up with what's happening in real time. Even writing this entry has taken forever. I started it days ago and keep rewriting things that don't make sense. Or may make sense, I have no idea. Either way, even with the written words in front of me I have to continuously reread and rewrite which is why I haven't written at all in years. Like this has been a problem for me for years, but has gotten significantly worse this summer with the increase in migraines. I just wish I had a job that wasn't so intensely analytical right now. Anyway, work in progress on trying to get something figured out with that. I've also started working a lot of hours at this job, which isn't helping at all. They keep telling me it's "temporary" but it's not like I haven't heard that before. I'll definitely be looking for a new job within a couple months if the workload doesn't lighten up. Okay, I think I'm done complaining.  I'm trying to think of a way to get back into writing, but I really just cannot write. Even trying to write just for myself on my own makes me feel incredibly frustrated. I've not had any luck with reading lately either. I think I have probably 5 books I'm in progress on and have been for months. I would love to get some sort of plan of action together, but I just don't have the energy. When I first joined the site I mostly started by reviewing other people's writing and then I was able to warm up to my own writing. Now I don't even know if that's feasible. I'll be out here sending people nonsensical reviews and they'll be like, "Wow, thanks so much for that."  But how are you all doing? Catch me up on what's going on with you. |
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