Journal of a Spaced-Out Brain

Dec 17, 2023 at 5:42pm
In response to "Hindsight"

If Christianity is true, would you like to know?

Dec 17, 2023 at 12:58am
In response to "Hindsight"

My body will feed the worms; my soul will return to its Source.

I'm not Christian so I look at things differently than most folks here at WDC.

Nov 19, 2023 at 9:09am
In response to "Temptation"

Wonderful rhythm and rhyme. It rolls... And yes, spiders need to eat too. They know where to dine... or they starve.

Oct 29, 2023 at 1:19am
In response to "Kidder"

I really like this as is but I share some thoughts:

Now go the hell away. Very good use of this line. I'd make it the title unless a specific event or place comes to mind. Like "Workshop, May 32nd, Highway-to-Hell, Nevada".

I'd find active verbs for each use of 'is' and replace each 'the'. Like "May's sky screams blue; Spring's sea blooms green". This provides a season and action, sound, something.

Could use a grammar check unless you like it as is. Grammar is less important in poetry; this isn't an essay. For a definite pause (like for rhythm) you can use an emdash instead of a comma like: "I kid you not — nature's obscene,"

To add "darkness" to it... this is that season...

Explorers with lost souls explore,
Search worlds they've never searched before,
They'll kid you not — forevermore,
Now go the hell away.

Aug 11, 2023 at 12:30pm
In response to "The Lighthouse of Whispers"

Whispers the names of all that suffered because of one's bad choices so that pain is returned.

Aug 11, 2023 at 12:25pm
In response to "The Lighthouse of Whispers"

How about the lighthouse whispers the names of all people who die as a result of one's bad choices in life?

Jul 30, 2023 at 1:52am
In response to "Salvaged?"

"Thus" and "only to" seem heavy, maybe 'let' as well. Too prosaic. Possibly like this:

the less I say,
the less I chance,
appearing weak —

predators investigate,
reveal themselves,
learn of my strength —

the hard way

Just a thought. I've been thought of as 'weak'. They forgot about my fangs.

Jul 30, 2023 at 1:45am
In response to "Synthetic Motives"

The 8/8/8 flows nicely but my ear wants a 3 syllable last line, maybe one that (almost) rhymes with flesh. Like Brain Rot Death.

Jun 23, 2023 at 3:23pm
In response to "I dabble in babble."

lol... My jail has bars of irony.

Jun 23, 2023 at 3:12pm
In response to "Safe from the fire below"

Thank you for your excellent suggestions. They allowed me to make corrections in form that I may use in situations going forward.

May 3, 2024 at 12:33am

#1070447

War

Conflict,
Hostility,
Quarrels lusting murder,
War is waged on an enemy,
When peace can't satisfy,
Mans one-sided,
Pleasure.

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May 2, 2024 at 7:37am

#1070396