The Womanly Arts: Forum

Oh, my...

I do see a generation heading for serious trouble.

On female friends: Once upon a time (as recently, perhaps, as The Critic 's generation), women - especially married women - having male friends was frowned upon. I see that as a major trust issue; I'm glad that my husband and I don't limit each other's friendships by gender. (We've both agreed that it's a matter of degree; neither of us will be spending a weekend vacation with a "friend" of the opposite sex! )

I don't think this business of having female friends is anything new; if anything, there's less of a social network among women than there once was, from everything I can see. There may be more cliques among women: "soccer moms," "PTO moms," etc. but there doesn't seem to be a strong network of women supporting women. I think what we're talking about here is loyalty vs. gossip. No woman friend (no friend, period) needs to know the intimate details of your sex life. Once upon a time, we assumed the guys were the ones indulging in this sort of "locker room talk," but I assure you, the women have caught up and are doing more of it, more hurtfully. Your friends don't need to know your husband's financial woes (or triumphs). Or details of your pillow talk, or excerpts confided in you by him of his sessions with his therapist. Y'know what we're saying here? Don't gossip about your own husband to your friends. T'ain't cool.

On staying within the limits of the household income: My husband and I used to keep "his, hers, and ours" bank accounts. Good God, but that complicated things. There's nothing worse than receiving a dunning notice from your spouse. I'd suggest the reverse: Keep a joint bank account for everything, but give each person a personal "allowance" for mad money, according to what you can afford. This "I make more so I'm entitled to more" mentality doesn't bode well for a happy marriage. I've always made more money (except during the years when I was unemployed). That said, my husband works harder and has more readily transferrable skills that will keep us afloat if/when my job is eliminated (again). He's also much, much better at managing our finances and getting bills paid ON TIME, and doing taxes aggravates him less - so he's kind enough to take on those responsibilities. (For that alone, I'd have to pay more than the difference in our salaries to a good accountant, eh?) A good marriage, I think, is as close to the ideal of communism (as opposed to the icky political practice of it) as you're going to get. Throw it all into the communal pot, then live within your means. Prioritize: food, clothing, and shelter first. Then the fun stuff. And one doesn't get more "fun stuff" just because one brings in more income (that may be the way it works out in reality, but it's not an entitlement thing - not if you want a happy marriage). If you're going to be selfish about it, stay single and keep all your material goodies to yourself. That's fair enough.

On trust: If there's no trust, why marry? Really. I'm sorry for the kids who've grown up in broken homes, and for their friends who have - from time to time - felt some jealousy over the fact that these kids could manipulate their parents so readily with guilt. I'm all for divorce in cases of abuse. But divorce became too easy an "out" at some point. When did the vows become "...until Death do us part, or we just don't feel like being married anymore"? Someone's got to restore the faith, here. My husband and I will celebrate our 22nd anniversary this summer. (Interestingly, we were married on my parents' 22nd anniversary; I'm now two years older than my mother was, then. But I digress.) I'm sure we've both had a few times, over the last two decades, when we just didn't feel like being married anymore. We got over it. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt that way, and I honestly can't imagine my life without him.

Are you a trustworthy human being? If not, don't marry. If so, have faith; there are others. Sometimes it does take a leap of faith, but I can honestly say I have never doubted my husband's trustworthiness. Perhaps you need to date, as we did, for two years or more. Wait until you're sure, or maybe you're better off living alone. I always liked my in-laws, but the closest I ever came to disliking my mother-in-law was when she (who pretty much ran out on my father in law, years ago) implied that a woman can never trust a man. And said essentially that in front of my husband - her eldest son. She's so wrong. And I won't allow her to say things like that in front of my son.

On defying a husband's wishes: This works both ways, in my opinion. You just don't openly defy someone you love, trust, and respect. You may disagree, argue, compromise, or change their mind. That's part of the give and take of a relationship. Now, if they're being "malevolent," then you have to question the whole premise of the relationship, don't you? Are we talking abusively malevolent? Is there some reason behind the malevolence? Anger issues over other things? I think you can assume (unless we state otherwise) that The Critic and I are not referring to abusive husbands and criminal acts.


See, Elisa? You had lots to offer in this discussion!! Thank you! And I hope you find that trust and friendship in your beau that makes for a long, happy marriage. Don't rush into anything. Inability to trust is a huge red flag - not that either of you is necessarily untrustworthy, but that you could both make each other miserable with unfounded suspicions. That's almost worse. I see lots of married people who constantly check up on each other and suspect each other of imaginary crimes, and I think "What a hellacious way to live." Innocent until proven guilty - that's my motto. And I'm not looking to prove my man guilty. And I wouldn't put up with that kind of suspicion from him, either. Life's too damned short.