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Rated: 13+ · Message Forum · Fantasy · #1800399
Superheroes, powers, transformations, magic and similar are discussed in this forum!
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Feb 2, 2012 at 1:03pm
#2354725
Re: Looking for reviewers for my interactive...
First off, it would be better to place the characters in a static format rather than an interactive so everyone can view all the characters on one page instead of having to move to various pages to get the entire view of the story.

Second, I would make the interactive private if you only want selective people to add to it. Otherwise, those who do not see this message may stumble upon it and add, taking the story in a direction you may not want it to.

Finally, third, The story had a good plot with believable characters but you might want to expand the paragraphs and shorten the tabs to make it easier to read. Here is an example...

On the second page, you have this...

I woke up, in a place like heaven but there's only a faint light and a blurry image of something... with wings... It spoke to me in a soft female voice, sounding halfway mystical.
It had said, “Hello, young Matthew."
I tried to speak, soundlessly, "Who are you?"
She said, "I am The Seraph, highest order of the angels and fairies. I am here to guide you to where you want to go, but today is not your time, yet. You have been brought here in order to learn about what you truly are."
"What I truly am?"
“Yes, dear. You see, you are not an earthling. It is true that you are a human, but you come from a planet called Asteiniera. The people there are Lojarrs, but you are a Majeylin, a powerful being with extraordinary powers. You were sent to Earth to be protected because your planet was being attacked. And also, your family are Lojarrs as well.”

Here is what it could look like...

I woke up, in a place like heaven but there's only a faint light and a blurry image of something... with wings... It spoke to me in a soft female voice, sounding halfway mystical. “Hello, young Matthew."

I tried to speak, soundlessly, "Who are you?"

She said, "I am The Seraph, highest order of the angels and fairies. I am here to guide you to where you want to go, but today is not your time, yet. You have been brought here in order to learn about what you truly are."

"What I truly am?"

“Yes, dear. You see, you are not an earthling. It is true that you are a human, but you come from a planet called Asteiniera. The people there are Lojarrs, but you are a Majeylin, a powerful being with extraordinary powers. You were sent to Earth to be protected because your planet was being attacked. And also, your family are Lojarrs as well.”

Do you see the difference? I hope this helped.
MESSAGE THREAD
Looking for reviewers for my interactive... · 01-28-12 1:02am
by RaNd0Mk1D8o3I
*Star* Re: Looking for reviewers for my interactive... · 02-02-12 1:03pm
by Scifiwizard Retired
Re: Re: Looking for reviewers for my interactive... · 03-15-12 5:12pm
by RaNd0Mk1D8o3I
Re: Looking for reviewers for my interactive... · 03-15-12 5:31pm
by Scifiwizard Retired

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