Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Everyone is afraid of something. What things are you most afraid of? How do you know if a fear is legitimate or irrational? What can you do to control irrational fears? How does fear play into your mental health?

Firstly, the knowing if a fear is legitimate part ... I think, if you're feeling it, it's legitimate. Whether it's irrational is harder to tell. When you are in the midst of all-consuming terror, it really doesn't matter whether it's legitimate or rational. The fact is, you're feeling it. So many times, I've had people tell me that it's just my anxiety, it's just a phobia. Therefore, it can't and won't hurt me. Well, I think that's BS. Because fear and anxiety hurt, in themselves. Therefore, they do hurt me.

I suffer with anxiety a lot. I always have, since I can remember. I've never been a person who can just sit back and enjoy the moment. Because, if the moment is enjoyable, that surely means something bad is about to happen to balance it out, right? Because that's how it works.

The fear I feel today is mostly about money, or the lack, thereof. That's legitimate, and it's rational. It scares the hell out of me. Leaving the house scares the hell out of me. I'm working on it, and I'm getting better. But it still causes a mass of anxiety in me. That one is not so rational, but I do think it's legitimate because I've had some horrible anxiety attacks when I've left the house. But, I want to focus on my less-deep fears for this post.

A slightly less rational fear is my fear of spiders. I don't remember what caused this. Actually, now I think about it, it's probably rooted in my Dad. As soon as I showed a little fear of them, I would yell for him to catch any I saw, and he would pretend to throw them at me. Yeah, that probably didn't help. Today, I can't even look at cartoon drawings of spiders. I cry, shake, hyperventilate. I can't stand them. I once stayed up all night because there was a big, black one on the bathroom curtain, and I was alone. I had to watch it, to see where it went. I couldn't risk it entering my bedroom. I'm the same with other people's vomit. I know, nobody likes it. But, it induces the same reaction as spiders in me. I have a full blown panic attack if anyone throws up near me.

I think the only way to control irrational fears is to slowly become more acquainted with whatever it is that scares you. That is working with my fear of leaving the house. Also, telling ourselves we will be fine. Asking, what's the worst thing that can happen? And finding the answer is nothing too bad. Reassuring ourselves the whole way through a difficult situation is paramount. Also, praising ourselves when we have come through it. Accepting that some times will be harder than others, and not feeling guilty about that. These are all important.

That said, I am not having any kind of immersion therapy with spiders or vomit. No, thank you. I'd rather embrace the fear. The only problem with the spider thing is that we live in an old building with lots of nooks and crannies. Which means there are spiders with knees on stilts who come out to see us every now and then. Just typing the words sends a shiver down my spine. The moment I see one, my reflex action is to scream and jump up onto the chair. Which excites my dog beyond words. So, he runs and jumps and sends the spider running in all directions. My hubby (who is legally blind!) tries to squat the hairy monster (spider, not dog), and all-round pandemonium ensues. Meanwhile, I hyperventilate and cry while standing on the sofa. It results in a very unhappy husband.

Finally, the last part of the question is about fear and mental health. They totally play into each other. Fear is the backbone of anxiety, which is a huge part of my mental health issues. I'm scared of the tiniest things, socially. Speaking to people scares me. It's all a struggle, and that makes me feel even more useless than I already did. It makes me feel like a freak. I long to be someone else; someone who is confident and at ease in social situations. But I never will be. Too much has happened in my past.

So, those are my thoughts.