Only Chapter One

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Hello, Norbanus!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Quite a strong opening here, establishing the setting, some details about the protagonist's career and distinctive personality, and two great hooks with the murderer and Danielle. However, you don't manage to name Rick in the opening. On the one hand, the reader will probably know this already from the dust cover, but on the other, it's generally better to identify the name of the protagonist as soon as possible within the narrative so that it is impressed in your reader's mind. In this case, the protagonist could be male or female. He sounds male, with his attitude and Danielle as a love interest, but that doesn't mean that he is. A lady officer could just as well possess those same attributes.

As I was questioning Waterson, I must have hit a nerve. -> this backstory scene here is told in brief rather than shown. Reading this section, it struck me that you could actually have had an action-packed chapter one simply showing the situation through enacting this scene about how Rick became injured. To be honest, it would make a much more action-packed, thrilling, and engaging opening, with a much, much stronger initial and end hook to your opening chapter. But, it's your novel, and if you just want to sketch it in brief in the first chapter, that's your prerogative.

Characters — are they well rounded?


I like Ana a lot. She's a great character and well-described. I love her attitude and the fact that Rick finds her attractive.

Rick is an interesting character. However, 1) you need to name him somehow BEFORE he drives all the way to the B&B and 2) is Rick really the best name for a policeman at the current time? (Rick Grimes, The Walking Dead). I like his injury and his past, though I feel that his run in would be better shown rather than told. You may need to foreshadow him being a writer BEFORE Ana comments on it, otherwise it's kinda out of the blue there. You don't have to go to town, just his internal thoughts as he drives through the woods and wonders if he could use it as a setting for his next novel and maybe think about his writer's block since that bestseller two years ago or something like that. Having it within his thoughts would come across as natural showing IF you somehow connect it with what he's seeing at the same time.

Plot — is it driving the story?


The main conflict is good and will attract readers. However, your chapter ending kinda petters out without forming a strong hook. I wasn't even sure if he was going to be allowed to stay here because Ana owns the B&B and she appears unhappy to discover him here. Maybe have her state something like, "Okay, you can stay here, but if I catch you so much as asking one question about the murders, you're outta here."

But, assault on a police officer was enough to keep him in the slammer until I got back. -> if he tried to kill him, and the detective was wounded, wouldn't it be 'attempted murder' rather than 'assault'?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


This was well paced.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Your language is clear enough so that I didn't get lost, but you have rather a lot of edit issues. See notes below. Also, I'm not keen on the backstory element, which is telling rather than showing the story.

Notes

with plenty of trees and furry little critters. -> this is a tad too repetitive of the previous statement of where he was. Can you maybe state something else about this location that adds to the setting detail but is in line with what was already said? For example, 'clear river and so many fish you couldn't help but catch them with every hook'.

this time of year there were morel mushrooms in the woods -> if you don't need a 'to be' verb, use something stronger. For example, 'this time of year, morel mushrooms grew in the woods. Plus, it's more active this way around.

“What are you going to do . . . if I get killed? -> an ellipsis is not the same as three periods in a row. It's a distinctive character which can be typed by holding down Alt and then pressing 0133 on your numeric pad to give … In the US, it's standard for this to be joined directly to both preceding and following words, ie. 'do…if'

It was late in the day. The sun had dropped behind the highest of the hills, -> this is an example of telling something and then showing it. You don't need to tell the reader that it's late in the day because the next sentence shows it. The first sentence is therefore redundant and can be omitted.

I turned to find two men staring at me from the building next door. When they saw me looking in their direction, they turned and walked back inside. -> did you mean 'at me from outside the building next door'? Otherwise, how can they walk inside? Maybe they were on a porch or in a doorway. Adding a porch would add visual information for the reader.

Ignoring them, pulled my suitcase from the trunk with my good arm, and moved up the front steps of the inn. -> missing "I"

I heard a grunt from behind the counter and move up to where I could see over the top -> moved

she touched the large bun of hair, on top of her head, in surprise -> we all know where a bun is and what it's made of. lol. She touched her large bun in surprise.

pulled my suitcase from the trunk with my good arm, -> which is his good arm? It could be important later. At the moment, I'm tending to think that his right arm is injured and his left is okay because he feels the need to mention 'my good arm'. However, he may be left-handed, in which case he might mean his right. It's not clear.

She turned to me and held out a hand. -> think about Rick's thoughts at this stage. One of his arms (I don't know which) is weakened by his injury. Would he be capable of a handshake? I know that no handshake happens, but at this stage - when she holds up her hand - he should think about it IF his injury makes this difficult.

The sheriff studied the photo on the back for a moment, then looked me in the eye. -> Okay, so this is clearly her home because those are her books. She clearly likes the book enough to recognize his photo from it. She also owns the B&B, apparently. SO… why wouldn't she have recognized his name from the registration? It's a small business, and she's the proprietor, and he's booked the room for an exceedingly long time. She should have enough interest in her own business to know who the long-term guest is, and if she likes crime novels and this one, in particular, she'd know his name. I know the names of my favorite novelists. Don't you?

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Your setting is rather vivid and interesting. You may like to incorporate a little more sensory information, such as the smell of gasoline at the station or the pot pourri or whatever at the B&B.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


There's a lot to like in this story. Ana, in particular, is a really interesting character, and the plot sounds great. Smooth out the edits and get rid of the backstory, and you'll have a great opening chapter.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"