Only Chapter One

Thank you for your submission. I do hope that you find the review useful.

Review of "*It's Not a Vacation*"

Best wishes,

Bob

Hello, QPdoll

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


The opening identifies the three most important characters (Chris, Sam, and Warren) and the location. That's good. It's also good that there's clear conflict and an opening hook as the reader wonders what this argument is about.

However, you really need to show rather than tell the argument. At the moment, you TELL the reader that "He ended a heated argument with his business partner, Warren Mitchell" and then go onto a paragraph which TELLS the reader what the phone call was all about. It would be much more interesting and engaging for the reader if you SHOWED this argument. Have him shout at his telephone, scaring the poor cat away. Have Chris clench the phone so tight that his knuckles turn white, and Sam feels obliged to go over and place her hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture. Have his shoulder tense to her touch, and his eyes wild. Make it an exciting scene for the reader through Sam's eyes and senses.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Sam is the best-sketched character. We know what she used to be like as a beautician, what she's like now as a realtor, her marital status, and that she likes cats and cooking etc. She's also sympathetic because of the situation with her parents.

Chris is a little less clear in that we don't actually know what his business is, and I don't see any reason why you can't clarify that in this chapter. However, we know he's really into running and that he's a businessman and a partner in some kind of firm.

I'd like to 'feel' more about Warren in his phone calls with Sam. I'd like to hear about the tone of his voice. Does he sound anxious? Does his pestering make Sam feel like he's overreacting?

Plot — is it driving the story?


I like this a lot. The only thing I'd suggest is that you need to build up the final three paragraphs with much more emotion from Sam. She needs to be really anxious about her brother's whereabouts. At the moment, it just feels like she's shrugging it off. That's fine at first when she's speaking with Warren, but by the end of the chapter you need to show that she's super worried about what's happened to Chris so that you can create a cliffhanger ending as the reader worries about him along with Sam. Make us anxious!!!

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The pace is okay. You stated that you were worried the chapter is too long. It isn't, imho. However, your narrative isn't as succinct as it could be, and that slows the pace. If you could get your word count down by eliminating about 15% of your current word count, the pace would feel much faster to readers.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Your language is generally clear and free from errors I had no problems understanding what was happening. However, I feel that there were two problems.

1) The initial viewpoint

In the opening, Chris is speaking on his telephone. It's therefore likely that the reader will assume that this scene is written from his viewpoint. Indeed, one paragraph (a TELLING paragraph) is entirely from his viewpoint. However, having read the whole chapter I see that the whole of the chapter except this is from Sam's viewpoint. It would work much better if you begin from her viewpoint and have her overhear this heated phone call. You must somehow show from the very beginning that it's Sam's viewpoint or the story opening will be confusing.

2) The passive tone

I don't mean that your narrative contains a lot of grammatically passive sentences. It doesn't. I mean that it tends to use overly simple sentences with weak verbs and not enough variety of sentence construction. For example:

She met her clients at eleven o'clock. They were anxious to see the house since reading the listing. They were a newly married couple and were excited to see a nice three-bedroom, ranch style home with a basement. An unfinished basement but it had the potential to give them more room and storage. She didn't know how much of a do-it-yourself kind of people they were, but she knew he did woodwork. That skill would definitely come in handy. - six sentences, four 'was/were'

Consider:

At eleven, she met a newly married couple who were anxious to view an attractive three-bedroom, ranch-style house with a basement that offered the potential for more room and storage. The husband worked as a carpenter, which would come in handy if they planned to carry out their own renovations. - two sentences, one 'were'

Can you see how with a little editing that essentially the same information can be communicated without so many weak verbs and in longer sentences but in a much shorter paragraph?

The problem is that the short sentences you tend to use combined with the weak verbs make the narrative relatively slow paced for the reader and not particularly interesting. The more active your narrative, the more engaged the reader will become.

Notes

That was sixteen years ago. Chris, being a teenager at the time and trying to support them with her job as a beautician, turned difficult. -> I feel that after this and before you mention that she'd hope Chris would ask her for advice, you need to show that she's no longer a beautician and now works as a licensed realtor. Her transformation from beautician to a realtor is important because 1) it makes more sense he'd want advice from a professional like that than a beautician and 2) it shows that she's grown as a person and isn't the woman she once was.

She hoped her clients weren't canceling today. -> until this point, I thought that it was later that evening. You may want to show that it's her morning shower. Also, I should point out that I thought that these were clients for her beautician's business because it has yet to be shown that she's now a realtor.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Generally very good. I'm never confused about where I am and only once about when. However, don't just tell us that he stinks. Have poor Sam wrinkle up her nose as she smells the stench of drying sweat on her brother's clothes and possibly also detects the whiff of foot odor from his running shoes etc. Use actual smells and other sensory information to better engage your reader.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


My feeling is that you have a good plot and well-developed characters but you need to work a little more on your narrative to make it both more succinct and more active (ie. less was/were/would/had etc). You can't completely get rid of weak verbs. They are necessary sometimes. But you can eliminate quite a few from this chapter, imho.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"