Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Swan’s Celestial Foil"   by Bobby Lou Stevenson
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I loved this little romp to the fifties, complete with Predo Prado, vampires, and werewolves!

                                                             
Plot
A visit from a menacing stranger disrupts a 1959 trip to Lovers' Lane. This tale provides more than one twist to make it a satisfying read. I won't spoil the plot by recounting it here, but--fair warning to others who might read this review!--there are spoilers below. Read the story first before reading the review. It's worth it!

                                                             
Style and Voice
I liked this story. The plot is clever, and the details like the couple "mamboing" in their back seat to Predo Prado's 1959 hit, Patricial, are clever. (I confess I only remembered this song after playing it on You-Tube, but it's a perfect choice for the setting and the story.) However, I do have one suggestion, and that involves point of view.

This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. I could name dozens of great stories from the 50s that use this style--I'm sure you could, too. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Short stories usually have only one point-of-view character, since each change in the POV threatens the readers' always tenuous connections with the here-and-now of the fictional world.

So, my main suggestion for this story is tweak it so that it's in one character's point of view. I'd probably choose Victoria, since John is unconscious for a portion of the events. It wouldn't take a lot of revision to re-orient things so that we experience the fictional world through Victoria, and it would be worth it for the additional immediacy and intimacy this would provide.

The most significant changes involve the places where we learn the thoughts or perceptions of other characters. I've flagged a few of these in the line-by-line remarks below to help you spot them.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Following along with the above remarks on point of view, the opening two paragraphs are an example of omniscient narration. In these paragraphs, we have the omniscient narrator, standing outside the story looking in, stating some facts. These facts orient the reader in terms of answering the who/what/when/where questions, but do so via declamatory statements.

A more modern approach would launch the story by putting the readers inside the POV character's head--probably Victoria. So you could start with her sensing or interacting in some way with her environment. She might tune the radio to the Prado song, or inhale John's sweet scent, or catch her breath at the starlit, moonless sky. As a touch of foreshadowing, she might have thrills jitter down her baack as she runs fingers across the coarse hairs on the back of his hand.

The idea is to put the reader in her head by having her interact with her environment, perhaps having her sense something only she can know--like those jitters down her back--and by using subjective terms (so the night might be romantic...)

(BTW, it's great foreshadowing to have the sky be moonless in your opening!)

                                                             
Referencing
Love the 50s references! I was only 10 in 1960, but I still remember those days.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Great job here, threading both scene setting and foreshadowing.

                                                             
Characters
John, Victoria, and even Swan are all believable characters--Swan is believable because he matches in a general way the vampires we've come to know in various guises in fiction. I'd try to find a way to foreshadow John's nature a bit earlier in the story if possible--note my suggestion above about Victoria stroking the hairs on the back of his hand. If they converse, he might bark out a laugh at something she says. don't overdo it, though--"barking" out a laugh might be too much.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

While I've got suggestions about point-of-view and hence about the fictional dream, the genius of this story is the plot, which combines so many elements from the 50's, including chevys, lovers' lanes, the music, vampires, and werewolves, and all in a clever way. That shows real creativity and talent, and I enjoyed this story a lot. Thanks for sharing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

John was stunned thoughtless My Comment: Up to this point, we've not been in John's or Victoria's head, but here we're in John’s head since we know what he's thinking, or, rather, not thinking.

Soft and hypnotic was Swan’s voice and without trepidation, Victoria did as she was instructed.My Comment: Here, we’re hearing Swan’s voice. Since John’s unconscious and since Victoria reacts to his words “without trepidation,” we’re in her head.

With a sigh of anticipation, he quickly, but gently, plunged his extended canines into the tender fleshMy Comment: Here we’re told what’s in Swan’s head (anticipation), so we hop from Victoria to him.

As if in a deep sleep, Victoria began to experience a warming sensation eclipsing any backseat romp. My Comment: “As if in a deep sleep” suggests someone is observing her. Since we’re then told what she’s experiencing, we’re kind of in her head, but really it’s the omniscient narrator telling us stuff. To use third person limited, you might revise this to something like

As if in a deep dream, a warmth suffused Victoria’s body, a sensation that eclipsed any backseat romp.

Note that the changes are tiny. “Dream” replaces deep sleep, and and we describe directly what she feels (a warmth suffuses her body) instead of telling us what she felt. Describing it directly helps to solidify her POV, and her reaction (that it eclipses any backseat romp) confirms that she felt it.


He did not want the teen-aged girl’s life; he wanted her for his bride. My Comment: In Swan’s head.

Swan saw what John was becomingMy Comment: In Swan’s head…

Victoria was so engrossed with bloodsucking she did not hear. My Comment: In Victoria’s head.

EpilogueMy Comment: I’m not a big fan of epilogues, although this one isn’t bad. However, it’s most definitely the omniscient narrator telling us stuff. To be consistent, if you decide to revise and use Victoria as the POV character, you’d have to do so here, too. 


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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