Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "White Elephant"   by jamisonbrown
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a lovely story, well-written, with a heart-warming ending. Thank you for sharing.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. In this one, you start with the inciting incident and orient the reader by answering enough of the who/what/when/where/why questions to ground the reader and launch the narrative.

I do wish that you'd found a way to name your narrator. This is always a challenge when using first-person point-of-view, but knowing the name of the character helps to draw readers into his head and hence into the story.

In the course of the first four paragraphs, we learn that he's at work, at a white-elephant gift exchange, and the item he's selected belongs a co-worker's grandmother who is now it a rest home. You've packed a lot of information into these paragraph, and done so in a way that flows naturally, so good job on that.

My mental image did go through several changes in these paragraphs, though, before finally landing on the "right" one. For example, the lead sentence implies that finding the right gift for his wife will be important in the story--but he never mentions his wife again. So, I think the opening could be tweaked in a couple of ways.

First, I'd try to find a way to name him in the first couple of sentences. Second, I'd have the eyeglass case be in the first sentence, maybe glittering amid the other junk in the white elephant gift exchange. If he's drawn to it in the first sentence, that dovetails with the ending where he says "it found me."

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person. No slips. This provides a certain intimacy, although you can do the same thing with skillful third person limited and eliminate some of the challenges inherent in first person narrations.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Scene setting should, at a minimum, let you tell where the characters are in relation to each other as they interact. That's missing in the opening, for example. It's not an essential feature, but it would be helpful if you could sneak it in. Later, in the restaurant and in the rest home, you do a good job with this. However, in the grandmother's room, we don't know what else is there besides the eyeglasses (and the grandmother, of course). since it's a memory therapy room, I'd expect there to be photographs of her family displayed--or not, if she's neglected. Either way, filling in the detail of what *else* is in the room could be a touch that advances plot and/or character. It could be as few as two or three words.

                                                             
Characters
I tend to think of characters having goals and facing obstacles. The stakes involve what bad thing happens if they don't achieve their goals. At the outset, the POV character seems to have a goal of finding a gift for his wife, but this isn't mentioned again in the story. Instead, he finds his goal two-thirds of the way through the story when he finds the note.

A modest change could involve the suggestion above, where the glittering case catches his eye. He acquires it, thinking it's useless. Maybe he can give it to his wife. That transforms his goal to one involving a purpose for acquiring the case. The obstacle is that there's no obvious purpose. When he finds the note, the goal changes and the stakes escalate, increasing tension. Tension is what drives your story.

So, the modest suggestion I made about the opening rears its head again, this time to increase tension. Learning that the grandmother suffers from memory loss increases the tension again--will it matter that he's returning the case? You don't have to make any of this explicit in the story--the string of events are there in the story already, but these little changes could embellish them.

                                                             
Grammar
I didn't find any grammar errors to whine about. Good job!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I liked this story quite a lot. I've made a couple of ways you might tweek it to enhance the emotional impact, but it's quite effective as it stands. It's well-written, has good tension, and a satisfying release at the end. Thanks for sharing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Usually I have a few line-by-line comments, but nothing stood out here except good writing!!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net