My suggestion: "One thing that was a little bit jarring when reading this was how the lines were divided as they are cut up midsentence. I couldn't figure out the logic for slicing them up like that. Usually it is done for rhythm (maybe to emphasize a syllable count) or to give a visual look to the poem. Here the cuts just wind up disconnecting the reader as they are mid sentence. You may want to evaluate and update how they are broken apart."
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