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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I enjoyed this little mystery, filled with local color and quirky characters in a small-town diner.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening answers the basic who/what/when/where/why questions, and thus orients the reader. However, this happens in the *fourth* paragraph. The first three paragraphs are disembodied voices speaking. We don't know who they are or who is hearing them.

So, my main advice for this story is to rearrange those paragraphs and start with the fourth paragraph. You might even preface it with something like, "I peered at my laptop's screen and tried to ignore the greasy onion smells and loud voices emanating from the diner's kitchen." That way, establish the point-of-view and put her in action (peering at the screen). You also help put readers in her head by having her smell the greasy diner and hear the loud voices. If you continue with her needing to finish the manuscript for her detective story, you've set her up as a "Murder, She Wrote"-style author.

I think that single change would make a big difference in the presentation. All of the information is there already, but it's kind of scattered about later. Putting it in the first sentence helps orient the reader and sets the scene. Everyone has memories of diners like this, so it doesn't take much to stimulate the readers to imagine all the details.

                                                             
Plot
The cook and waitress in a diner fight. He dies. She's a suspect. A crime writer working on her latest story is instrumental in solving the crime.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, no slips.

A minor point: I assumed that the narrator is female, but in retrospect I'm not sure you established the gender. I also don't recall that you named the narrator. Giving the narrator a name helps readers to identify with her (him?), so I'd also suggest doing that--perhaps when the woman sits down at her booth and starts to gossip with her.

                                                             
Referencing
A laptop and free wifi establish this is modern-day. References to the Christmas holiday establish the time of year.

                               
                             
Scene/Setting
We get enough details about the diner and the crime scene element to fill in the rest on our own--these are all familiar things from real life and from TV.

                                                             
Characters
You've got delightful, quirky characters. Of course, there's Mara, front and center. Devlin's there in spirit, so to speak. There's the Sheriff and Emma, who owns the diner. Curiously enough, the chatty woman who joins the narrator in her booth and the narrator are the two most prominent characters, and they are never named. I'd suggest giving them names, too, for the reason noted above: knowing their names helps readers identify with them. All the characters are distinct enough that I don't think readers will get confused.

Our narrator has a goal: finish her manuscript and escape the chaos of the diner. To do the latter, she has to help solve the crime, so the plot and character arcs fit nicely. Mara's character arc also fits in. The chatty woman who shares gossip with the narrator has loads more gossip, so she's probably happy, too. Emma gets her diner back from the chaos of the investigation, so she's happy as well. And the sheriff is happy because the crime is solved.

I guess the only person who's not happy is Devlin, but he's dead and thus doesn't care.

                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar, but often find things to complain about anyway. Not here, though!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of my comments are more-or-less irrelevent nitpicks about the evidence and plot, as well as momentary confusions about who is doing what. These are minor points. What makes this story fun are the quirky characters, the kind of zany dialogue, and the happy-ever-after endings for everyone. Well, everyone except the two-timing Devlin and Mara's floozy cousin!

This is a clever story with a kind of zany zest to the events. A few minor tweaks might make it a little stronger, but it stands on its own as it is. Thanks for sharing and for making my morning a little brighter!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

Sheriff Nazzary followed my gesture to stare at the small security camera over the entryway door. “It might have, if it works.”My Comment: Is this Emma answering the narrator’s question or the Sheriff speculating?

“It does,” Emma said. “There are a few other cameras too, but my computer isn’t working.”

“You can use mine,” I said, “and give Coroner Gravis the fingerprints and blood sample, Mara.”My Comment: I could be wrong, but wouldn’t the camera be sending a live stream to a remote computer, i.e., the one in the diner that’s broken? If the diner’s computer is broken, there’s no live stream and hence no record. Usually, security cameras are too small and underpowered to have a recording device inside them.

While I’m on the topic, the most likely explanation for “murder” would be a fight where Mara pushed Devlin, resulting him hitting his head and falling. What possible scenario would involve Mara’s blood? Exonerating her on the absence of evidence of her blood seems a bit of a stretch. On the other hand, the video footage—if it exists—would be conclusive.

“If all of the blood in the kitchen is ‘A’ positive and your fingerprints aren’t on anything other than the dishes that you served, then idt indicates that it could be an accident. Everybody can go home. My van has a mobile lab. Give me the sample, and I can have this cleared up soon.”My Comment: See above—this line of reasoning feels a bit weak. Also, this felt like it’s the narrator answering a question about her previous speech. If so, what’s she doing with a mobile lab in her van? It must be the coroner speaking, so a dialogue tag would clarify things.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!


Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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