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Item Reviewed: "Community Service"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a really fine story. It's hard to pick which element I liked best. The plotting is excellent, Joey's character arc fits perfectly, and the characterizations are deft. I think I'll pick Joey's character arc, however, as my favorite.

                                                             
Opening
Your opening does a great job establishing the basic conflict of the story, Joey's intitial character, and exposing his opportunities for growth. It answers the the who/what/when/where/why questions, and thus orients the reader.

I made one minor suggestion in the line-by-line remarks about establishin the point of view (Joey) in the opening sentences, but that's a trivial tweak, assuming you agree with it.

                                                             
Plot
There are two plots masterfully woven together. There's Joey's character arc, from pranking, sullen adolescent to a caring and dedicated young man. Then there's the vile Anthony. You do a great job establishin his character as well, and in setting up and foreshadowing the eventual conflict. Excellent work here.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Joey's head. Two minor slips noted in the line-by-line comments. The sort-of info-dump where you narrate Joey's budding relationship with the residents instead of showing it is the only really significant one.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Lots of little details establish Joey inside the residence. I especially liked the addition of scents when he first arrived.

                                                             
Characters
Joey, good. Anthony, bad. Excellent characterization throughout.

                                                             
Grammar
No complaints here. I think I found one place to whine about adverbs, but that's it.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
This is a *realy* fine story. I enjoyed it from start to finish. The foreshadowing was just right, using the rule of three (two times to establisht he pattern, the third for the payoff when Joey sees Anthony stealing). The two plots fit together perfectly. Excellent craft throughout. Nicely done!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
"Mom, do I have to? What will all my friends say?" Joey wailed.My Comment: It’s generally inadvisable to open with a disembodied voice speaking—in particular, we don’t know who is *hearing* the speech, i.e., we don’t know the point of view for the story.

If you started with the third paragraph—where Joe is squirming, scrunching down, and hoping done of his friends can see his humiliation—you establish him as the POV character. Then you can have him whine to his Mother. We know why he’s whining, that the POV character is speaking, and that his mother is reacting.

shuffled slowly behind her down the hallway.My Comment: You know I’m adverb-phobic, right? In this case, shuffle implies “slow,” so the adverb is just a little speed bump that adds nothing.

Anthony turned around, stuffing something inside his hoodie pocket. My Comment: ears perk up…doubtless this is foreshadowing…nice!

Joey felt himself burning red My Comment: Phrases like “Joey felt…” are a subtle form of telling. It’s generally more intimate and immediate for readers if you describe the sensation directly. If you want to emphasize he ”felt” it, you can always have him react in some way.

"You're just jealous that I'm the one with a bright future." Anthony pushed past him and headed down the hall to the next patient, leaving Joey fuming helplessly.My Comment: You’ve done a great job establishing Anthony’s character—or lack of it—in this little sequence.

As the days passed,My Comment: Beware of repeated words and phrases which run the risk of making your prose feel monotone. Here, the word “days” appears three times in as many lines.

Joey found himself enjoying his work at the nursing home. My Comment: This starts of couple of paragraphs that narrate how Joey began to enjoy interacting with some of the people at the home. I think this would be stronger if you included interactions in the here-and-now of the story to illustrate this. In particular, you might show him interacting with Mrs Salisbury, and they might chuckle over the foibles of some of the other residents—all in a good way, of course. This would better establish Joey as a “good guy,” just as the real-time interactions with Anthony establish him as the villain. It also gives potential to add more foreshadowing by mentioning Mrs Salisbury’s meds.

Joey's face reddened My Comment: He can’t see his face, so this is a tiny POV violation. Maybe consider “heated” instead of “reddened,” since he can feel the heat.

Something clicked in Joey's mind as he glanced from the old lady to her prescriptions on the nightstand. It made him shudder.My Comment: another bit of foreshadowing…the payoff must be coming soon.

Anthony as he stood over her nightstand, shelling out pills into a ziplock bag.My Comment: and here it is!

They didn't notice the door burst open.My Comment: Here, the author intrudes to state a fact. Notice, since they “didn’t notice,” Joey in particular didn’t notice. If he didn’t see it, it’s a POV violation to state it. Instead, if he’s surprised when Rhonda speaks, then you stay in his POV while revealing he didn't see her come in.

Joey and Rhonda were sitting in her office. Joey blushed and sank a little lower in his seat.My Comment: I’d consider putting this bit of staging ahead of anyone speaking, thus orienting the readers in time and space.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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