Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

Okay, here you go: (I didn't forget you!)

Not too bad! Main problems seem to be
grammatical. You have a few sentences that could
be split up into separate sentences instead of
using commas.
Example: Dave, crumpled back on the floor with
what was left of the lamp under him ( . )
He looked down at his chest in disbelief,
and gasped.

You could use some "–" s instead of commas in
some spots to better emphasize.
Example: Dave should have been a CIA agent
or a Detective ( delete comma,) –
maybe a writer (he was full of s***
anyway) (delete comma,) – if he
hadn’t injured his knee in College he would have
been a very rich famous running back in the NFL
and would be worried about signing autographs
and avoiding groupies (or not avoiding).

I recommend using dashes in this compound
word: middle - class-
mow- the- lawn,
pet- the -cat
-domestic types

Word order recommendation for last sentence of
CINDY: Parked in front of her hilly front lawn Cindy
noticed what must have been his Black Lincoln.
–sounds like Cindy is parked in front.
–could change to: Cindy noticed what must have
been his Black Lincoln parked in front of her hilly
front lawn

Confusion: The dashing from points A-D
paragraph got a little hard to follow. Could you
simplify it without losing your meaning?

You seem to have some good character profiles
going here. Thanks for posting. Sorry it took so
long to comment – I didn't have computer access
for a few days and yikes, did I get behind!
sunni17