Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

Okay, I finally got this one read! It is off to a good start, I'm interested to see what happens next.

Now for the questions and suggestions:

In paragraph one, why say "twelve or sixteen" seconds later, instead of the typical "ten or fifteen"?

You could delete the comma after "sleep" here: Before going to sleep, he would check his computer, make sure that all his downloads were going fine, and then he would turn off the sound and the monitor.

You seem to change tenses right in the middle of paragraph one, it would be better to change to present tense at the beginning of paragraph three where things actually begin happening. When using "would" you are implying something that is habitual and that continues through time (which is how you used it). You could use it with the rest of the actions in paragraph one also.

Paragraph 2: Why wouldn't we think Mike is doing well in school? It seems like you have lead us to believe already that he is intelligent (to do all that computer piracy he would have to be, right?) So I'm wondering if you shouldn't portray him as more of a goof off before you come back to how he is doing in school.

Consider cutting part of this:
In fact, Mike has more than the skill, he has brains. A head full of them actually.
--Unless later in the story his having an enlarged brain actually plays some part and this is a way of foreshadowing. (I don't know, I haven't read any further yet...)

Paragraph 3: “Argh! No way!” Mike has just woken up, and as is routine, he sits in his computer chair (long ago called the thinking chair by his mother until Mike told her to shut up, don’t speak, I’m busy, don’t use that word. Even though he never said it in those words, he was thinking it and she could hear it anyway, damn Mike is mad)
Everything in the parenthesis is confusing. Try using quotes around "the thinking chair" and maybe a colon after "Mike told her to", put the "damn Mike is mad" outside of the parenthesis as its own sentence.

Paragraph 4: He suddenly lunges at the button with his finger, and waits. ---This is a little strong. Try "He jabs the button", or something similar.

The rest: Check punctuations (missing periods or commas within quotes, missing apostrophes with possessives -- probably just typos).

When is the next installment?
Sunni17