Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

 (This message was edited by sunnygal136 on 10-13-02 @ 8:06 pm EDT)

I'm finally finished with "Invalid Item"  and heres
what I recommend:

1. Watch out for words that contradict each other in
your descriptions:
"irate melody", "uncertain dictatorial", "a dead
thud ringed"

2. Make sure you are using the right word or using
the word properly:
"The head of the statue had subsided
to an obscure angle." maybe you meant
obtuse instead of obscure? (obscure would mean
the angle was very difficult to see or notice)
(obtuse angle would mean an angle that wasn't
sharp). (subsided would mean that the head had
sunk down, is that what you meant or would "tilted"
be more correct? –tilted to an obtuse angle?)
"...because the statue was also a hoard unit, but
this was naive to the brothers"
"unknown" would be the more
appropriate word, unless you said " the
brothers were naive of this" but that still is kind
of pushing it.

3. I have a question about the use of
"dare". From your spellings I have assumed
you aren't an American writer (realise , instead of
realize for instance) so you may use it differently
than I do. In the sentence "Sam looked
tentatively at the floor, dare looking the women in
the eyes." I would have said "not daring
to look" instead of "dare looking". You use
"dare" the same way further on in the story so I'm
figuring that it is correct for you. Let me know,
okay?

4. Simplify things: Don't make your story so much
work to read or no one will finish it.
"Ty further rummaged to find his new-
found manifestation, but cipher was evident."
–huh? Okay, I looked up manifestation and cipher
in the dictionary (at dictionary.com) and I don't think
you are using them quite right. The
simplified version: " Ty rummaged
further to find his new treasure, but found
nothing." (if you were writing a hundred years
ago, you would be right in fashion, but now simple
is better).

5. Last but not least, I like your story. It has
possibilities and I will get through it all a chapter at
a time, just bear with me! Keep writing and
rewriting!
Sunni17