Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

 (This message was edited by sunnygal136 on 10-13-02 @ 8:03 pm EDT)

Wow! I loved this story. You use just the right
amount of description and dialog. The writing is
generally tight and smooth and I have very few
recommendations for "Wendy's wish" 

Here they are:
1. Check your word order. Examples:

"When the waitress arrived I noticed the little
girl, sitting across from me in the booth, slide into
the corner, away from her, as she asked "my name
is Betty. What can I get for you this evening?" –this
makes me think the little girl is the one speaking.
Also you might delete the comma after
corner and leave " "...slide into the corner
away from her..." as one phrase.

"I dried my eyes and wiped the window
clear and noticed it seemed to
be trembling." "it" should refer to "the
window" but I know you are referring to the little
girl from the previous sentence. You could
say "... noticed that the mass seemed to be
trembling."

2. Watch out for run-on sentences and overuse of
commas. Examples:

"As I approached, I could see that it was a child
(delete , ) in a yellow raincoat,
hooded over to protect from the
rain(replace , with a period) (capitalize
T)the only thing I could make out was a long
lock of wet brown hair as it lifted it's head. From
under the hood delete , )emerged
the face of a pretty young girl (replace ,
witha a period) (capitalize O )once she
noticed I was there, she lifted off the steps and
scampered behind one of the dumpsters nearby."

Also see the sentence in #1 above. You may be a
fellow "comma-holic" =)

3. Punctuation, word use...this sentence just didn't
strike me right and I'm no sure why but here is my
suggestion anyway.
" All of my girlfriends seemed to have their lives
perfectly on track with their goals (replace
, with a colon) happily married
to(change "to" to "with" (because you
could say "with husbands", "with growing families",
and "with nice jobs" and it would all sound right) )
wonderful husbands, growing families, nice
jobs."

Just check your story over for more of the above
and I think you will have perfection! I am adding
this to my highlighted items in my portfolio --
unless you have objections.
Sunni17