Star Trek Message Forum

 (This message was edited by gundamtony on 02-13-03 @ 7:37 pm EST)

I've had this Trek story idea for years, I wrote it a long time ago but it turned out weak willed, even after 28 pages and 6 months. Wrote it back in college years ago, I've been thinking on the rewrite for it after all the changes in the Trek universe, I'll give a test excerpt, tell me what you all think, really need feedback-

'With a sound like nails on an old blackboard, the bulkheads are torn free and where there was once the wall of the bridge is now a gaping hole leading into the expanses of space.
"Forcefields are holding! Hull breach in the Engineering section, shields are down to 2% and falling slowly. Warp drive is gone, impulse is...still going. Sir, we have to fall back!" A shake of her head, her hair making it seem like she had a rapid Tribble on her head.
"No, I'm not giving up till that ship is dead in the water! Do we still have weapons?" A quick check, a thump on the console and a curse.
"Aye sir, but barely. This is pointless, we cna retreat and get help, there's no point getting us all killed!" The ship screams as it takes another phaser hit, sounding as if she was alive.
"Open fire damn it! OPEN FIRE!" Acting Captain Andrea Kirson screams out, her eyes looking red with the flashing lights of Red Alert.
"I'm sorry sir, but I'm taking command." Before Andrea could reply in surprise, a phaser blast set on stun hits her back and she falls forward, the helm officer catching her quickly and laying her down.
"Helm, get us out of here, cloak on and limp us out, any speed as long as it saves the ship." A nod and before the ship takes another hit, she cloaks and limps as fast as she can to a safer place, her enemy having had to stop firing. As She does so, Larpin sits and waits, scanning for any trace of her prey, the USS Trojan.'

It's rough, I know, but it's some of the ideas I've had and I'm thinking of making it Trojan's last story, the Larpin returning from the dead to destroy the Federation, with no crew onboard. It's still rough and I would welcome any comments and ideas, it's set in the year 2379, kinda saying it's set a little over four hundred years after I was born really, that nothing lasts forever. I'm working on it, slowly, it's just a lot harder than it looks. Larpin and Trojan are my own creations, so making a final story for them after very little story in the past is hard. Anyway, it's an idea and I'm thinking on making it, just need help from fellow Trek fans who would know the best way to end a story that never got a chance. Thanks.

Tony.