Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

A story of mystery and creative revenge with a twist.

This was quite a long item that could be shortened by deleting all details that are not absolutely necessary for the reader to have. Sometimes it is best to leave some details to the reader to create themselves and this story flows in a way that you could do that convincingly.

Ways to shorten and tighten things up:

Example 1: In the opening Paragraph you write... Living far out in the country on a large farm, her house was the only one on her road and she seldom had anyone just drop in. She was not expecting anyone.CHANGED TO: Living on a large farm far out in the country —the only house on her road – unexpected visitors were rare. SAVES 12 WORDS.

Example 2: Also in the first page you write... Getting up from her writing desk, she walked to the window and looking out saw a man she did not recognize getting out of a pickup.CHANGED TO: Getting up from her writing desk, she looked out the window and saw a man she didn’t recognize getting out of a pickup. SAVES 3 WORDS AND DELETES UNNECESSARY DETAIL

Example 3: I really picked on your first page for some reason! You write... Knowing she needed to protect herself, she went quickly to the bedroom and took the 9mm automatic and clip from the night table drawer. CHANGED TO: She went quickly to the bedroom and took the 9mm automatic and clip from the night table drawer. SAVES 6 WORDS AND GETS RIGHT TO THE ACTION.

Example 4: Moving deeper into the story you write...“The wheels of justice grind slow and while they may eventually achieve some measure of justice, my justice grinds completely, and it’s quicker, harsher and grinds it up into little bitty particles. And when it’s completed, you can’t put it back together. Roy, when I’m finished, little Miss Cotton Patch is going to be ruined forever and you, Roy, are going to be dead.” It is the “Wheels” that grind, not “justice” . The wording is bulky and uncomfortable though we get the meaning of it. Rewording suggestions might be: While the wheels of justice grind slow and may eventually achieve some measure of compensation, my method is harsher. It grinds quickly, completely, and will grind you into little bitty particles. When it’s completed, little Miss Cotton Patch is going to be ruined forever and you, Roy, will be dead. SAVES 15 WORDS, MORE DIRECT?

Example 5: ****SPOILER****SPOILER****SPOILER****
Now, into the action - you write...Until she raised the opened alligator jaw and struck him in the face with those sharp teeth, he had not noticed it. Then she raised and struck him again and repeatedly struck him making his face a bloody mess. At times she would clamp the jaws over his head making corresponding teeth marks on each side of his head, nose, ears, hands, etc. as if an alligator had bitten him. Finally one blow punctured his jugular and blood spurted. Quickly she pushed his upper torso into the water submerging his head. She knew for the autopsy to be accurate, water had to be in his lungs. He trashed about briefly, and then was still.Too much detail and wordiness in this paragraph. You could have the same effect with fewer words and leaving more for the reader’s imagination to fill in. Suggestions: He had not noticed the alligator jaw until she struck him in the face with its sharp teeth. She then repeatedly clamped the teeth over his head, face and hands creating evidence of an alligator attack. As one final blow punctured his jugular, and blood began to spurt, she quickly pushed him under the water. She needed water to be in his lungs so the autopsy report wouldn’t be suspicious. SAVES 37 WORDS

I hope this is helpful to you. It helps me think about all the ways I can shorten up my own work. I hate to delete things that I worked so hard on to word in the first place but sometimes they just aren't needed to move the story along. As Stephen King says, sometimes you have to "kill your darlings". Keep writing!


Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul --- Sunni17