Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

Hey, I liked this. It is really different from your story "Murder for Hire". The only thing that "bugged" me from the very beginning was the spelling of "Lightenbug", I keep wanting to change it to "Lightningbug".

The over all story was good and I liked the way you made the characters all insects with appropriate personalities. It was fun to read.

I found a few sentences that could use some work:

“Well, spray it with something,” suggested Lightenbug, holding his nose. “Make it not quite so obnoxious.” could be better by saying “Well, spray it with something,” suggested Lightenbug, holding his nose, “so it's not so obnoxious.” (takes out unnecessary adjective and saves a word)

"I wanted to discuss some of our accounting decisions we've recently made," he said. Could be "I wanted to discuss some of our recent accounting decisions," he said. (saves two more words)

Settling back down to reviewing some of the paperwork on his desk, he was brought back to reality by his secretary, Mrs. Dragonfly on the intercom. Could be He’d settled back down to reviewing the paperwork on his desk when Mrs. Dragonfly interrupted on the intercom, bringing him back to reality. (tightens things up and eliminates 3 words)

... In short, we got the jack, so cut me some slack, dude!”

“We got the jack!” Centipede mimicked. “You weren’t raised in the south. You weren’t even raised in this country and you're trying to talk that do-dah, hillbilly, redneck vernacular?” "We got the jack, so cut me some slack, dude!" -- doesn't sound hillbilly to me. Some of that dialog further on doesn't sound right either, or is that the point you were trying to make with Lightenbug using it? I wasn't sure.

"...but as Nike says "Just do it!" maybe should have different quotation marks: "...but as Nike says 'Just do it!'"

Keep on writing and editing. I like your style, and your ability to change your style from one type of item to another.
Sunni17


Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17