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Rated: E · Message Forum · How-To/Advice · #516836
Free Edits up to 3 pgs (10-15 gp's per ad. pgs appreciated, not required.)
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May 7, 2003 at 9:36pm
#639084
Pt. 2 Review of "Midnight" by midnight
(continued...)

6) You write: Midnight himself, had his plastic back being a little bit apart. The original glue that first held him, when he was being made, was giving out.This sentence did not at first make sense to me, but I think I understand it now. You might want to revise it to something like: Midnight's plastic back was beginning to separate a little bit; his original glue giving out.

Check the rest of the story for places where you could tighten up the sentences by deleting unnecessary adjectives and adverbs (especially "some") and make sure your subject and verb agrees (i.e. "his tail and main" together require the plural verb (were) but separately (his tail was)(his main was) require the singular verb) Also check your verb tenses to make sure if you are speaking in the past tense, don't switch to present tense in the same sentence. (i.e. Then I gave Mike my doll to see if he can make her stay on the horse. -- change "can" to "could".

Well, that was a lot to cover at once. Hope it is of help to you. If you have questions or comments or suggestions for me, please let me know *Smile*.

Thanks for submitting your story to "Sunni's Review &Edit - closed" 
Sunni
Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17

Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17
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Pt. 2 Review of "Midnight" by midnight · 05-07-03 9:36pm
by SnowyChicago

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