Hi Missy,

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Initial hook:

“Edgar listened to the noises coming from the walls.  ”This is a great opener. You set up the story for suspense, and the atmosphere. We also don't know if the sounds are real, or if Edgar is the one with the problem.

Characters:

Edgar: a man going crazy hearing voices. I noticed in this story and the other one you don't tell us what the characters look like at all. It really enhances the reading to know who we are imagining.

Richard: can you tell us what he looks like...

Setting:

In Edgar's house. I am not sure the time though, but I gather from the language it is in the past. Can you make this clear, perhaps by Richard mentioning something that is going on in the world, the first Boston Tea Party, someone called Hitler being elected in Germany...?

Atmosphere/tone:

You have some great descriptions here : “causing his mind to bend and twist into something close to madness .”

Dialogue:

The internal dialogue is good. It keeps us up to date with the story and shows us his paranoid state.

“ “I need to get myself together. There must have been some kind of shock to my system thats(comma) caused me to act in this way, even though I don’t know what it could have been. Please forgive me for the worry I have put you and my dear sweet sister through.””
this seems a little wordy and old-fashioned. There is no real indication before that this story is in the past.

Parts I liked:



Parts I thought needed more work/questions:

“He never slept anymore  ”- well, he must do. How long has this been going on? Experiments on rats show they die after 28 days of zero sleep. Obviously, no-one has tried this out on humans, but evidence indicates(done in the more dodgy days during WWII) it could be half that time. Most people hallucinate by day 4 if not before. These details are important, as some readers will want this to be realistic, or they will just say, “oh well, he's crazy by now.” and the story loses it's suspense and fear aspect.

“straining his ears to listen.” you don't need “to listen” what else do we strain our ears for?

Overall impression and reading for rating:

I have given this a 4.0. it is a good idea, but a little predictable that Edgar is crazy, the addition about his wife makes it a little more so. Also, she was not mentioned at all throughout the whole story, and just seemed to be added to the end to make him more crazy. Also, you could have linked what he was hearing to what happened more, could he have heard his wife's voice? Taunting voices saying they knew what he'd done?

I like the idea, and the internal dialogue was really good, moving the plot along.

I thought the dialogue was really good, so I am awarding this piece a dialogue merit badge!

I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


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