Dear Artemis Quill

My name is Vicky. To honour your WDC Anniversary I will be doing a Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review on Mansion in Fog.

I enjoyed this story. I love spooky stories.

I think that anyone who reads this will be reminded of that creepy old house that was the basis of legend in their own childhood.

You put a lot of effort into drawing a vivid picture of your characters. It was almost as if you gave the reader too much information. You repeat this description with even more detail in another chapter description throughout the story. This draws the reader’s attention away from the suspense that is building.

In this story you provide the reader with a blow for blow report of what is going to happen, giving the reader very little to think about. It is important to rather show than tell. For example Instead of telling the reader what the boys need to take with them on their expedition I would rather have had a single scene where they are making their preparations.

I enjoyed the idea of the girls outwitting the boys very much. Your story would have worked much better if you had kept the girl’s involvement hidden from the reader and only revealed it as the boys ran out of the house. By letting the reader in on the secret you steal away my chance to enjoy the nail biting, sitting on the edge of my seat adrenaline rush that I would have experienced as the boys enter the house. You also robbed me of the delight of finding out that the girls have gotten their revenge.

I thought your description of the house very much, it was very well done. You gave me enough to conjure up my own picture, without overdoing it.

While your opening few sentences were very interesting I am still at a loss as to how they tie into the story. The mysterious horse riding stranger is never explained and causes some confusion.

The ending I find a little disorientating. If the boys had left the mansion in order to get home how did the pass it again? And how did the girls get back inside without the boys seeing them?

Be careful of repetition one of your paragraphs in chapter two repeats not only the word scheme several times but also the same idea.

I also noticed that in the story you mention that the children knew each other from kindergarten and later in the story it was elementary school. You also mentioned that the boys had told their parents that they were over-nighting at each other to have the opportunity to explore the mansion. The boys then head home after their experience because it is getting late. This is a bit disorientating.

I am exceptionally impressed with your brilliant vocabulary.

I enjoyed this story very much. It was an entertaining read. Humorous and perfectly described children’s behaviour.

Thank you very much for posting this story. I will definitely take a look at your portfolio again in future.

Congratulations on your anniversary and please keep writing!!!!

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