*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3825385
Review #3825385
Viewing a review of:
 Free Australian Alliance  [E]
This short story spawned the universe of Beyond the Fire.
by K.P. McCulley
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

Hi K.P. McCulley -

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"  and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please. *Smile*

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a great job setting up the backstory for what you mention in your intro description is a larger "Beyond the Fire" universe. In comparatively few words you managed to convey a lot of information about the state of affairs (politics, personal agenda, etc.) in the present setting, and clearly established the character of Admiral Adams (and to a lesser extent, his daughter) to play a major role in that larger story.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I did feel like this item, in and of itself, wasn't much of a short story. As background and exposition, it's a great jumping-off point for a larger narrative... but as a standalone short story it's missing a story arc that gives us a definitive beginning, middle, and end. I would suggest either adding a little more to this piece to make it a full-fledged and complete short story, or perhaps adding this small bit into the larger narrative you're working on, as maybe a prologue or an introduction.

*Bullet* PUNCTUATION: "The massive Arc vessels pushed [faster and faster;] faster than any Terran had gone before."

*Bullet* TYPO: "He smiles a bit as this [woman] fills the sterile room with warmth..."

*Bullet* TYPO: "Dad, if it wasn't for you, the [Arcs] would never [have] made it into orbit." (Based on the second sentence of the story, which refers to the ships as "Arcs."

*Bullet* TYPO: "We don't even know [if] this planet they are sending us to is habitable."


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a great introduction to the larger "Beyond the Fire" world that you're creating. Although this item on its own was lacking a little bit of narrative structure, you clearly established the character of Admiral Adams, which is by far the more important task given that you're writing a larger body of work featuring him. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala" , please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello! *Bigsmile*

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 

Logo for SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala activity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 02/16/2013 @ 11:50pm EST
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3825385