%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #3895114 |
 | Hunter, the hunted  [E] A genetically modified teenager.  |
| (2.0)    Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Raven This is review 3# of 6 for "Simply Positive Review Forum " You have been selected as one of the lucky authors to be spotlighted by me for a review in conjunction with "Simply Positive Review Forum " . Each week, the individual members pick six items to review, or more, for group credit. I am stopping in your port today, because I found you in a new authors list. I was eager to see what you had in your port and this caught my eye. I hope you find the review useful, if only to find out how well this particular item is received. Sit back and enjoy the feedback and attention. You deserve it. I consider it an honor to have found your writing and look forward to reading it. Thank you for taking the time to submit writing into your port. It has been a pleasure looking at the various items you have on display.  Thoughts and expectations from the title:From the title, I expected there to be some sort of predator and prey involved in the story. What I found was nothing related to the title at all, other than the name of the main character. The title can make or break a book or story. An interesting title, can sometimes make the difference on whether or not someone will invest the time to read it. For this story I would suggest a title that alludes to either the main characters dilemma. For instance, the story being short and ending as it does, I would maybe use a play on words to throw the reader off track, but in the end, they see the correlation to the title and the story. Perhaps "Stalking the Hunter", "Eluding Hunter", or "Outing Hunter". Stalking Hunter- refers that Joan stalks Hunter in the hallway and corners him. Eluding Hunter- references that there is a truth Hunter fails to see or face. Outing Hunter- is the truth that Joan declares to Hunter. Hunter the hunted, perhaps is reference to Joan trying to figure out just who Hunter is, so she is hunting him. Although, this isn't real evident or clear in the story. Again, this is your story, and your voice, so make the choice right for you, not one chosen for you by someone else. The one thing that would make a difference in the title other than the above suggestion would be, if the title is left as is for wording, capitalize the word hunted. How do I feel about the main protagonist?Terry, or Hunter, is a very disturbing character. He is agitated and feels as if the world is out to get him. He is uncomfortable in his new surroundings and doesn't seem to be adjusting well. He appears to be snide and with a bit of an attitude toward others. What impact do the secondary characters have? Joan is the student physiologist at the school. Appearing new at what she does, her appearance and lack of tact and discipline in interacting with the students doesn't put them at ease. In fact it seems as if she is avoided and struggles to make a difference. How do I feel about the pace, did it fit the genre?Well, this is definitely a short story, but I am not sure it would be classified as fantasy, though I could be wrong. I would classify it as fiction though. This is a fast paced story that moves along at a good clip. It jumps quite quickly from one spot to the next. The opening paragraph lays down the foundation for showing the dislike for Terry. Rather than playing off of that, it jumps to the focus on the student counselor and her part of the story. Are there any technical issues I want to query?~Paragraph#1  where were my first flood my eyes , . I furiously... various colors , . these... these where were the remnants heading of off to there their...~Paragraph #2 been hear here a week... Sighing aI walk to the door... bothers hiding there their... emenceimmense dislike towardsJust a few examples of the errors found, there are many more, but a proofread or two more and you should be able to find them. There are also members and groups out there who are willing to help do a line by line edit if you so wish. My overall thoughts:Aside from the technical issues in the opening paragraph, I felt that this paragraph, was your strongest and it really drew me in to the story. The great visionary picture you were able to draw gave me a good scene to view. I was able to see the angst others had toward Terry as he stood looking at his torn artwork. I think if a little blurb, about this not being the only artwork of his they had ruined in his short stay at this new school, would further showcase the disdain the other students were harboring. After the first paragraph I was truly distracted by the technical errors, that kept me from enjoying the read. Improper uses of words and spelling errors, were a big part in my lack of excitement for the piece. HOWEVER, I did go on and with the reading. In so doing, I was surprised at the ending and went back and read this a few times. I liked the story, but feel with corrections made, it could be much improved upon. For a short piece, this has punch and tenacity and could be expanded upon into a novel form if you so wished to make it so. You have lain out all of the footwork to be able to do so. My favorite part of the story was the descriptive opening sentence, it was strong and drew a clear picture. Very vivid, and a great opening line. What did I base my rating on:With a three star serving as an average rating, I gave this a two due to the many technical issues I found in the piece. From the lack of capitalization in the title, to spelling errors in the opening sentence, I found many issues that prevented me from improving the rating. I would be more than happy to help with this by re-rating and re-viewing once corrections have been made.   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 09/03/2013 @ 5:04am EDT