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 Review #4028627 |
 | Wedding  [E] Submission to Flash Fiction  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Hello, Hiroshi Jones . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely.   First Impressions I like the title of your story because it's to the point and caught my attention. I think you should use the description area to provide a small synopsis of your story. It will draw readers more than "submission to flash fiction" because they'll know what the general subject is going to be.  Subject Matter This is the story of a girl who has grown up almost entirely without her father in her life. He seems to come and go as he pleases, only sticking around when he wants to be a part of something like her wedding. She has a stepfather who has raised her from the age of six an is now thirty, so he is that man she fews as a father figure. It's sad because I've seen almost this exact thing place out, save for the ending, with one of my friends. Her father had nothing to do with her growing up, only joining her life when he found out she was engaged. He became increasingly jealous and obnoxious as her wedding neared because she planned to have her stepdad walk her down the aisle. She felt so guilty because she felt like she was hurting her biological father's feelings, but her stepfather had raised her and that's who she saw as her dad.  Things That Worked I like how you ease us into the story by not telling us straight away who we're talking about. The reader can of course infer from the context what's going on, but I think it works better this way because we can use our own deductive reasoning to understand the main character's perspective of the situation. I also liked the ending because I feel it's a realistic situation. You wouldn't think that people would still drink and drive, but they do. It's nice in a story when you can see things from several people's point of view. I felt like I could sympathize with all of the characters, even her dad, because he clearly has a drinking problem and has now lost his life and his chance to see his daughter wed due to that addiction.  Suggestions As far as technical errors, I only noticed one typo: After a talk with her fianc Tonya informed... I think fiancé has a typo in this sentence and there should be a comma added before Tonya. One thing I would like to see more of in this story is the emotional impact all of this has had on Tonya. Instead of saying, "She had little desire to reconnect with him", I'd like to get into her head a little bit and actually see for myself how she really feels. I felt like, for such an emotional story, it lacked some of the energy that would make it come to life.  Final Thoughts I enjoyed reading your short story and I think people will be able to connect to it in one way or another. I feel like there is room for improvement in fleshing the story out and bringing the emotions to life. Thanks again for sharing with us. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/17/2014 @ 10:14pm EDT