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Review #4028896
Viewing a review of:
 scorned  [18+]
heartbreak
by mirage
Review of scorned  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hello, mirage . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Peace2*



*Mushroomo* First Impressions *Mushroomo*

I think the title is fine, but I would capitalize it. The description of the poem is a bit bland with just "heartbreak". I think you'll draw more attention if you have a more interesting description of the poem. There is a lot you could say having to do with heartbreak and the poem.


*Mushroomg* Subject Matter *Mushroomg*

The poem is about how someone feels after being scorned in a relationship. The narrator feels that they have given their heart to this person, but decides in the end that they will never get back with the person. The narrator also talks about how the person they were with kept secrets from them and didn't fully reciprocate the love of the relationship.


*Mushroomb* Things That Worked *Mushroomb*

I think you did a good job of describing how a lot of people feel when getting out of a relationship. It's often that both parties feel this way about each other because they feel that they were the one who put forth the most effort. I like that the narrator decides not to get back with their ex in the end because people deserve to be happy in their relationships and there will surely be someone out there for each of them that will make their lives better.


*Mushroomv* Suggestions *Mushroomv*

I think the poem needs an edit on the punctuation. Not every line should be capitalized when the sentence isn't ending. There are other lines that don't have any punctuation at all. I think this could be made consistent throughout with a quick edit.

This is just in personal taste, but I felt like some of the language used was a little off. The use of the word "dazzlingly" seemed strange in the sentence and was hard to keep up with the flow of the poem while reading. There were some other cliché examples used like the whole "key to my heart" thing at the end. I feel like we read about that a lot in love poems and love stories.


*Mushroomp* Final Thoughts *Mushroomp*

I think you've done a good job of writing a poem that a lot of people will be able to relate with while keeping the narrator strong in the end. There is some room for improvement on the technical side of the poem and also in the language used. Thanks again for sharing with us!




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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/22/2014 @ 12:31pm EDT
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