You have quite a dream-fantasy sequence of events going on in this story. Dreams are terrific muse magicians, subconsciously giving us ideas for our next story.

This story has interesting subject matter. It makes the reader wonder, "What if I could change my face's appearance to any face I want? Who would it be?"

It also has a lesson in it, the moral of the story; be careful that you don't get too greedy, you may not like the results.

There are some issues that need to be worked on to make this story shine bright and hook the reader from start to finish.

Observations

"My eyes (under my nose) got caught on something right under my feet." It sounds like the eyes got caught on something as in tripped or about to.

TRY: My eyes, due to their recent repositioning, spotted what was clearly right under my nose. It was a package, addressed to me, Ms. Finnula.

Here is a place with an orphaned sentence, but it also has a wordiness that is not necessary. Write tighter and keep your reader's attention.
" A package.
To Ms. Finnula." It said.
Inside the package was smaller box, then a smaller rectangular one, then at the core was a bottle of liquid that looked just like normal water, and a postcard.
"Dear Ms.Finnula."

TRY: (Since "package is mentioned in the line above, no need to repeat)
Once I opened it, I saw another box tucked inside, and it's contents contained a a bottle of clear liquid and a postcard.

"It took no time until the last drop of that magical liquid went slickly down my throat."

"I drank the liquid everyday, each days turning into a famous singer or a super model, or simply a beautiful girl I saw on the street.

You can't have it both ways. Either she drank down the entire contents, "last drop" at the first time she took it OR she didn't finish it all at once, but rather took sips of it for a couple months, until she was faced with the real last drop. See what I mean. It's contradictory.


Okay, here is another place where there is a contradiction:

"Again, I caught a glance of a package under my fat ridden, foul legs of a pig."

"The bottle of a thousand faces. With the help of this bottle, not only will you have a normal face again, but also the face of anyone you would like to be and modify it to your liking."


You cannot have it be an "face" only type of change and then describe the "pig legs" along with the pig face.

This is your concluding paragraph, but you left the reader hanging, because we really don't understand what face she ended up with. She says she won't change back to her normal face, so readers want to know -- what did happen after that last bottle of potion?

"No way would I change back to the ugly duckling I used to be. Beauty I must have, fame I must drown in. Therefore, my old abhorrent face was the absolutel,[absolute] You have a number "1" following the word. biggest no!
It's always the best not to be yourself.
I had learned the perfect lesson, hadn't I?"

Give us a satisfying ending that wraps up the story, ties the loose ends and perhaps surprises us.


Your paragraph spacing is off. Perhaps when you copied it over to WDC, you did not save your "format" choice. There are orphan words, disconnected from their parent sentences. They are sad about that.

You have a bracket out of place in the top line, thus your "size" choice and your "bold" font, did not come out the way you wanted it. If you look closely, you'll notice the size's "close" bracket was placed after the "bold's" close bracket. Easy fix, though.

You responded to this review 08/20/2014 @ 9:20am EDT

Upgraded Membership required to use macros.Create custom macros to insert text in this editor. [Beta] X   GIPHY Search   Send a reply... Include Gift Points