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Review #4029620
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Review by Charlie ~
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Rated: | (2.5)
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Hello, katek0707. My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Peace2*



*Mushroomo* First Impressions *Mushroomo*

I thought the description of your story sounded interesting and thought I'd take a look. I'm assuming there is going to be more added to the story and this is probably just a prequel to something much longer, so I'm reviewing it with that in mind. From first glance, I would suggest capitalizing the first letter in the title of your story, "Bitten".


*Mushroomg* Subject Matter *Mushroomg*

In this part of the story, we meet what I assume will be the two main characters of the story, Alex and a mystery guy. I wish we had gotten a name for him in this part of the story so we could connect to him better. It would be easy to add in if Mrs. Wagers said, "You're late. Are you (character's name)?" Then she could tell him to take a seat and they'd talk after class.


*Mushroomb* Things That Worked *Mushroomb*

I think you did a good job of describing the male character and what he looks like. I can kind of get a feel for his personality by the way he reacts in the situation and I have a good mental image of him in my head from your description. The opening of the story held my attention throughout and it was easy to read and comprehend what was happening. It leaves us wanting to know more about this meeting and to see what is going to happen on Alex's birthday.


*Mushroomv* Suggestions *Mushroomv*

There needs to be a major edit on the technical front with this piece. There are numerous spelling and grammar errors currently. Some examples:

... for your birthday Alex." Meloday say as we... Add a comma before Alex. Say should be says. The period after Alex should be a comma. Same with the next sentence where the main character speaks. It should be a comma, not a period.

Mrs. Wagers was are teacher. Use our instead of are here.

The school bell rings and Mrs. Wagers has begun. Make sure that your verb tense is consistent throughout the story. Currently, it switches between present and past tense many times. I would change 'has begun' to 'begin' in this sentence.

Well take a seat no and we will have a talk... Now is missing the W in this sentence.

These are just a few examples of things that need to be looked at and corrected in your story. A lot of those same rules will apply to other possible errors.


*Mushroomp* Final Thoughts *Mushroomp*

All in all, I thought this was an interesting start to a story. I'll be interested in seeing what else you come up with for this one. I do think there needs to be some editing done so the story can reach its full potential. Thanks again for sharing with us!




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