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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4034262
Review #4034262
Viewing a review of:
 Wedding  [E]
Submission to Flash Fiction
by Hiroshi Jones
Review of Wedding  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings Hiroshi Jones , I'm Jacquiebee, and I came across your flash fiction story when I visited your port in search of something to review by way of a Welcome to Writing.Com. This review is also part of the 14th Annual Celebration contest being hosted by our senior moderators. Now that I have had the pleasure of reading "Wedding, I offer to you my thoughts and impressions. This review reflects my opinion only, so at your discretion, please keep or discard my views. I hope this review encourages you.

Purpose:
Hiroshi, once again Welcome to Writing.Com!!! We are so pleased you have joined our warm and creative community of authors. Also, please feel free to ask questions as this site offers a great deal but can be a little overwhelming at first. I really enjoy the pace of flash fiction, in that the writing has to be more precise if the intent of the writer is to be clearly conveyed to his or her readers.

Plot:
This tale is about a girl Tonya, who basically grows up in a single head of household and doesn't even meet her dad till age ten. In this fast paced story, we find an encounter with her dad at age sixteen that lasts a few years until he leaves about as quickly as he came. Rapidly your reader gets to fill-in-the-blanks of this relationally complex, painful and heart wrenching relationship. And really with what might seem against the psychological odds, Tonya becomes engaged at age thirty; and is required to cope with her father inserting himself in her wedding plans. He is emotional and therefore unreasonable in his demand to walk her down the aisle; not wanting to be outdone by the stepdad who actually raised Tonya from age six. Through more painful discourse Tonya tells her birth father he is no longer welcome at her wedding; only to receive a phone call with him crying and pleading to at least be allowed as a guest. She acquiesces, and then all the background noise crescendos with the sounds of a fatal crash.

Overall/Suggestions:
You really did a nice job of fitting a big story into a little space. I just have a few suggestions for your consideration.
*Bird* My encouragement to you is to consider adding white space between your paragraphs so your readers eyes have a place to rest.
*Bird* I think it would make the story clearer if you began the second sentence with "Tonya," instead of "She," as reading a lot he/she can be confusing. Also replacing some of the "he's" with a name for her dad could add a more personal touch.

Favorite Line:
*Mugv* "The man, who had spent less than 100 hours with her, was upset that the man who had raised her since shortly after her sixth birthday was going to play a more significant role in her wedding." This sentence conveys incredible amounts of information to establish the high emotional context between birth father and daughter. Nicely done.

Closing Thought:
*Staro* Hiroshi Jones , thank you for sharing this action packed, emotionally charged flash fiction with a high impact (no pun intended) ending. *Wink* I am glad I had the opportunity to read your work, and I look forward to reading more.

Again, Welcome to Writing.Com!!!



Regards,




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