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Review #4039107
Viewing a review of:
 Forgotten Days in August  [13+]
A quick glimpse into a moment between two lovers.
by Bottlebreaker
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello, Bottlebreaker . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: The title is unique and interesting. The first part of the story that caught my attention is when you said that she weighed three hundred and twenty pounds. I think that was the hook that helped develop the story a little bit more. You use separate paragraphs where they need to be, which helps us read the story smoothly.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: I liked that the two were so entwined in each other. It was romantic despite the fact that she isn't what someone might traditionally find to be attractive. The guy clearly likes her the way she is and it's cool that he is able to comfort her with his kind words.

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: I noticed some technical issues that you may want to give a second look. Every time you close out the dialogue, you include both a comma and a period. For example, "I'm fat.", she said. should be "I'm fat," she said. There should be no period and the comma should be within the quotation marks. It is this way throughout the story, so you may want to do a quick edit there.

Other than that, the one thing that stood out to me is the ending. I don't quite understand it, especially the last sentence. ...the day became night, and the rain began to fall, blessing the earth, and all the fallen children beneath it. I didn't feel like this fit in with the rest of your story. It just seemed out of place in this context.

*Jackolantern* Summary: Overall, I thought the relationship might be interesting between these two. I don't really understand the ending or the significance it has with the rest of the story. Thanks again for sharing with us!

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