*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4041738
Review #4041738
Viewing a review of:
 The Kiss  [13+]
Betrayal and revenge are often two sides of the same coin.
by William Davoll
Review of The Kiss  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello, William Davoll . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: Your title fits with the content of the poem, but doesn't quite stand out as being unique, especially in the context of an affair or love triangle. That being said, the first line of the poem hooked my right away and held my attention throughout the poem. I think what worked so well with it is that you're speaking directly to the person and giving them a piece of your mind by saying, "I let you think you picked me up", I knew things weren't as the other person assumed from the beginning.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: There are lots of great lines, but my favorite by far are:

Now I know your every short cut, your every long and leafy lane;
The places that you call home and those dark places in your brain.

The person can no longer hide when you know so much about what makes them tick. I feel like relationships often get to this point where each person knows so much about the other one that wool can never be pulled over either's eyes.

I thought it was interesting that the narrator ended up doing the "right" thing and letting the secret of the affair out. I'm unsure of the narrator's intentions from the beginning though. Were they always planning on telling the wife what was really happening between them? If so, the right thing would have been to tell her right as the affair was starting. It doesn't really matter in the context of the poem, just trying to get a stronger image of the characters and having a bit of a clarity issue there.

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: Well, other than the clarity issues I just spoke about briefly, the next biggest suggestion I have is about the grammar of the poem. In the last stanza, all but three of the lines seem like they should be standalone sentences with capitalization and punctuation in each. My favorite part that I quoted above, however, shouldn't have "the" capitalized because it isn't the start of a new sentence, just a new idea connected with a semicolon.

There were a couple lines that didn't seem as strong as the rest and I think most of those rested in the last stanza. The third line in particular didn't seem to fit in with the other three. I'm not sure what a New Year's honour's list is or what the victory-like parade would be, and maybe that's why it stands out to me against the rest of the stanza.

*Jackolantern* Summary: Overall, I enjoyed the poem and thought it was a unique look at a common issue. There are some lines that could be clarified a bit further, but those can easily be worked through. Thanks again for sharing with us!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/27/2014 @ 12:03pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4041738