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Review #4051134
Viewing a review of:
 Bruises  [E]
Short poem about depression.
by Fire Quill
Review of Bruises  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello, Fire Quill . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: I've always liked one word titles and this one is no exception. The idea of bruises relating to depression is interesting. The first lines were a good hook for me and made me want to read the rest of the poem. I wanted to find out more about the 'dysfunctional memory'.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: You did a good job of explaining how mental illness can come between two people. it's difficult for people who don't have depression to understand those who do. They feel like you aren't trying hard enough to feel better while you feel like they just don't understand the mental state it puts you in. I think a lot of people can relate to this situation from one side or the other.

My favorite line was, Your rants and verbal riots do no good, I'm not listening I wish I could. I thought this accurately displayed how a typical fight over mental illness goes, with one person ranting out of frustration and the other unable to really listen to what they're ranting about in the first place.

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: The biggest thing this poem needs is an editing on the formatting and rhythm. I would break these down into either couplets or four line stanzas with an AABB writing pattern. For example, these could easily be made into rhyming couplets:

What could you possibly see in me?
I have nothing, just my dysfunctional memory.

I am fine, except this bruise on my heart,
want to shatter, break itself apart.

You can go on like this throughout the entire poem. Once you have it all broken down that way, you can go back and see what needs to be done as far as getting a smoother rhythm and flow. Make sure that you don't have lines that are way longer than the one they're rhyming with, this will make it harder to keep the beat while reading. If you read it out loud, you'll be able to pick these things out more easily as well.

*Jackolantern* Summary: I enjoyed reading your poem and felt that I could relate to it on a personal level. I think you did a good job of accurately showing how difficult it is to be in a situation like this. I would suggest an edit to make the poem flow better. Thanks again for sharing with us.

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