Story:

I'm writing this review under the assumption that there is no word limits on its size, such as for some contests. That said, while I can see where the story is headed, I think there is much you can do to make it better.


Characters:

There are two characters in the story, (not including the bartendress). Casey and Jamie, but you didn't give your reader a look at either one. Are they young? Old? Fat or thin? As a reader, I like to know something about the characters in the story I'm reading. Why did Casey leave home, and why did his living relatives mean nothing to him? Knowing things like that about a character is all part of his description.

This story seems to be character driven, meaning it's the characters that are driving the story forward. Because of that, it is important for a reader to know something about each character, and not only their physical description. There is so much you can say about each of these characters that would help do that. What kind of bar is Jamie singing in? How many people in the band? What is he wearing? As for Casey, there is quite a lot you should show about him.


Dialogue:

Dialogue has two main purposes; one is to move the story forward, the other is to give the reader some important information in an interesting way.

The dialogue used her fulfills those purposes, but you have erred with some of the dialogue rules.

You wrote: I introduced myself as "a fan, but you can call me Casey," and he smiled.

In this sentence the words 'as a fan' are not part of the dialogue, bur rather they are words used by the narrator telling the reader he is a fan. This should be written as: I introduced myself. "I'm a fan," I said, "but you can call me Casey."


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:

There are a number of punctuation problems in this piece, especially with the over-use of commas. A thorough edit will easily identify and correct that.


Comments:

There were a couple of things that I found jarring; things that you can easily fix.

You mention that Casey listened to the lyrics of Jamie's songs, then went home and looked up some of the buzz words. What were those buzz words, and what about them made you research them? What was it about the lyrics that caught your attention so strongly? This scene is about the two characters meeting, and about what I think is the plot; Jamie's message through his song lyrics. Since that is such an important part of this story, I think you need to tell the reader what about those lyrics and buzz words is so important to Casey. It's those lyrics that has him mystified, right?

I think I can see where this story is going. Casey's life is going to be changed in some fundamental way by either Jamie himself or by the lyrics of his song. For Jamie, Casey is important because he has finally found someone who will listen to his words. Either way, it's about the lyrics, and that makes it extremely important to give the reader some idea of what those lyrics are and a bit of information about why they are so profound.

You have the beginnings of a good story here, everyone likes a story about life changing events. A good edit and adding some important information to this will go a long way in honing the story.

One last thing; the presentation of a story is like the presentation of a fine meal. If the format looks unprofessional then many readers will pass it by, thinking the author is not a good writer. The usual way to present a story is 1.5 spacing between sentences and a double space between paragraphs. You have double spaced between almost every sentence. Instead of a bullet list of thoughts, combine some of the sentences into longer paragraphs so the story will flow smoothly. Also, a bit larger font would help since the default font size is rather small.

Keep working on this story, it has great possibilities.

Bikerider

~~Thank you for sharing your story.~~

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .