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 Review #4098950 |
 | New Experiences  [XGC] With the theme of 'firsts' a young girl experiences a first time in a public setting.  |
| (4.5)| Hi 💙 Carly . I'm JACE - House Targaryen , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "New Experiences" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. To be perfectly honest, I love this type of exhibitionist story. I found your story to be very hot, almost wishing I might have been in the crowd to surreptitiously observe such a show. Indeed, it makes one wonder how many folks, men and women alike, enjoy such a fantasy.I would have liked to know more about where the couple was. For example, I think knowing that they were at an outdoor street concert or dance would help enhance the reader's enjoyment of the story. I envisioned that from your use of "music" and "pavement." But not knowing for sure distracted me. I found myself wanting to know where they were. Your descriptions of his and her movements in conjunction with each other were great too. Though I might have done "things" a little differently, i had no trouble placing myself in his shoes.  Technical Presentation. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. I saw no misspellings, but did have some issues with the wording of a few sentences. The following examples were stilted to me. I've underlined the sections that seemed odd to me. Re-wording them will easily correct the reading. The excitement heated my blood and sent my breath to quicken. His thumb grazed my nipple, stroking over the peak. Also, I think she was still wearing her bra at this point--perhaps rubbing her nipple through the material. To me, a gasp is exhaled, not inhaled. I drew in a surprised gasp ... I gasped ... Wrong tense, and odd phrasing. When he slide a finger into me I bucked and thrust up then back into him. When he slid a finger into me, I bucked and pushed back into him. My Rating. 4.5 . Thank you for posting this offering.  Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 03/28/2015 @ 10:13pm EDT