Review of

STATIC

Paintball Days  (E) A boy over comes a bully. #2024715 by ~ IVELTAC ~

Hello,~ IVELTAC ~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




As I mentioned in an earlier review, the beginning of a story, the hook, is important because it is where your reader decides whether to read the story or put it down. Your opening paragraph, the hook, is well done. It told the reader what the problem, or conflict, is, and it leaves the reader wondering what Billy is going to do about it. You did a very good job with the hook.

I really liked this: He was tough and the only time Liam bullied Stranger was when he had too much sugar. Putting a little bit of humor into a story, especially a serious story like this one, is good. It allows the reader to take a break and enjoy the story.



When writing a character's name and showing possession, the name should have an apostrophe. Here's what I mean. You wrote;

Billy’s best friend Gurgle was waiting for him in the car. After Billy had gotten to the car Gurgles parents started the car and drove out of the driveway. Gurgle pulled out his mp3 and a speaker. They turned on some rap then gurgles mom turned towards gurgle. “Gurgle turn that stuff off.”

Gurgles parents. Since they are Gurgle's parents, the possessive noun is needed, Gurgle's. There are two places in this sentence that needs your attention.

Suddenly there [their] once happy faces turned to nasty disappointed faces.

When writing dialogue, each speaker gets his/her own sentence, like this;

“Hi jerks.”

“Hi Liam nice to see you.”
Liam looked at the boys with disappointment. “Well jerks cause you came here you have to obey me.”
Billy nodded and the two boys ran over to the host. “Hey Hans you never said Liam was going to be here.”





Everyone likes a story with a happy ending; like this one. Liam had been bullying everyone until he got a taste of his own medicine. The boys he had been bullying turned the tables on Liam and it made him see the light. Ending the story with Liam being everyone's friend from then on really made the story a good one.

This story deserves a 5 star rating.

Great job with a subject that is front and center for many kids today. Thanks for sharing this, and I hope you continue to write more stories like this one.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .