Review of

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #2019168 by Not Available.

Hello,Charlie ~ }

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




I liked the way you showed the perspective of three different people and in their points of view. Giving each character: the neighbor; the wife; and the doctor, gave a proper perspective to the story.

There are a number of places where I found the description used to be very creative. Here are only a few of them:

You wrote: She paced back and forth in front of the storm door. The wind blew the rain sideways as her husband continued to spin in circles, hands raised as though summoning the storm. It responded with a blinding orb of lightning and a loud crack of thunder.
You have provided a lot of information in these sentence. You have shown the wife's attitude about what her husband is doing. You showed your reader that the wife and doctor's relationship has been strained. And you have shown the location conditions of the story.

You wrote: I opened my mouth and let the torrential downpour drown my troubles. The lightning spidered across the sky toward me and I reached my hands out to meet it. Laughter spilled from my lips as headlights turned into a driveway just in front of me. Even if it hadn't, I wouldn't have moved.

Using these few sentences, you have given your reader the reason for the doctor's unusual behavior. I especially liked the way you described the lightning and the way it 'spidered' across the sky.





Once Sandra had made up her mind about something, the conversation was over. "I think you'll regret it," she muttered. Since you are describing something about Sandra, the past tense use of had is not needed.




When I began reading this story, I thought I wouldn't finish. But it didn't take long before I was pulled into the story and couldn't put it away. AS a matter of fact, I was disappointed that it ended so soon. I would have liked to see how and where the doctor has spent the night.

Nicely written and a good writing style.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

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