Hi Shanachie

I'm Bikerider

I'm reviewing your story for the

FORUM

Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold  (18+) A romance/erotica contest from The Talent Pond. #1380461 by Jeff

I hope you find my comments helpful.

Review of "Invalid Item" 


Met the contest prompt:

Yes. You fulfilled the prompt requirement well and surrounded it with an interesting and creative story. Using a second prompt that also fit into the story added to the creativity. Well done!


Suggestions:

I saw no grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors in this story.

Comments:

Creating realistic characters can be challenging, but all three of your characters, Jess, Eliza, and Jordan come alive here. You have given them actions and dialogue that brought them to life and made them seem real. Your descriptions of them fit well and came about throughout the story instead of a boring laundry list. I have a couple of places that I thought was very well done that I'll list here.

“Okay then. Could you…?” I made a circular motion with a finger. “I’d like to put some clothes on.” [this seems like a totally natural action.]

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” He turned around, presenting his back and a nicely formed ass. I was beginning to see why I’d brought him home. “How’s your head?” he asked as I slowly slithered out of bed. [you have used this sentence to sprinkle in some description of Jordan, and gave him and Eliza movement that seems natural and authentic under the circumstances.]

I toyed with my second piece of toast as I considered the question. “I think I’d like that,” I answered finally. “When?” [toying with her toast as Eliza considered Jordan's offer is exactly what I would expect.]


The dialogue used here is also very well done. You have used the characters words to move the story forward and provide information in an interesting way. Good job.

The sex scene is hot, well thought-out, and realistic. It is described tastefully but descriptive. To make the sex scene interesting, and believable, there should be a sequence. Instead of jumping into bed, you have taken the time to have the characters engage in foreplay, something not seen very often in erotica. But the natural progression from date to sex is evident here, adding anticipation as an element of foreplay. Very nicely done.

You have written an interesting and nicely described story around the chosen prompt. Your characters are realistic and believable, the dialogue is very good, and the sex scene is not rushed.

I enjoyed reading your work. Good luck in the contest.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

Thank you for entering the Paradise Cove Contest.

My review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .