Hi dblameck (David)

I'm Bikerider

I'm reviewing your story for the

FORUM

Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold  (18+) A romance/erotica contest from The Talent Pond. #1380461 by Jeff

I hope you find my comments helpful.

Review of "Invalid Item" 


Met the contest prompt:

You followed the prompt well, and showed creativity with the story you built around it. "No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember." fit with the prompt well; a man who finds a stranger in his bed the morning after a party but doesn't remember her, or what they did, would surely think something like that. And then following it up with, "That didn’t seem like a very good idea," when the character wondered what to tell his visitor was also a great way to follow the situation the character finds himself in.


Suggestions:

You wrote: The lust filling his eyes begin met by hers. I'm not sure what you mean here. Could it be this? The lust filling his eyes was met by hers?

You Wrote: He slide [slid] onto the bed, positioning himself between her legs.

A reader wants to 'see' the characters in a story, especially an erotic story such as this one. Knowing what the girl/woman looks like when the sheets are pulled away from her on the bed would be a great place for some description of her. We want a reader to care about the characters, otherwise, the characters are strangers to us.
It also helps us to 'see' and identify characters when they are given names. Even though this is a story about anonymous sex, giving the characters names would give the reader something to call them other than him and her.

Comments:

Your opening paragraphs are well done, leaving the reader wanting to know why the character had such a bad hangover and how he got that way. Anytime we can open with sentences that bring a reader into the story, half the work is done. Good job.

Making characters believable and bringing them to life is sometimes difficult, but giving them actions that fit the character gets it done. Having the male character move closer to the bed when he realizes the girl is masturbating under the sheets fits. What guy wouldn't get excited by that? But it's also an action that gives him life and makes him real.


There are a couple of places in the story where you have done a good job describing the sex between the two characters, but this is my favorite:

You Wrote: He focused his mind to hold off his orgasm as long as he could. He wanted her to scream out in pleasure first. It was a race now, a competition. He wanted to win her orgasm before she won his. The intoxication of her moans was pulling his mind away from his wishes. He wanted to lose himself in the passion and explode in the ecstasy.
I think you have found the essence of a man in the throws of passion here, but at the same time he is thinking about his partner's pleasure. Nicely done.

You've written a sex scene here that is described well.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

Thank you for entering the Paradise Cove Contest.

My review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .