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Review #4142876
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Review by Tiggy
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Rated: | (4.5)
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*PenB* First Impression:

Interesting that everyone who comes into contact with Louie picks up on the fact that there is something strange about him but no one can put their finger on it what it is unless Louie specifically shows them. That evil aura must be pretty powerful. I was trying to picture him in his old cloak that shielded him from the sunlight and still looking regal, and yet ready at the slightest provocation to turn into that monster that everyone feared, or would fear if they were fully aware of his identity. At times he seems more animal than the human he once was. You have a strong and very intriguing character here.

The fascination is reinforced by his quietness because it makes him even more mysterious. I can’t quite figure out why he doesn’t speak much although I could perhaps guess that he has lost the ability for small talk, not having been in human company for longer than it took him to kill a person. Or perhaps he never learned to share his thoughts due to his upbringing, or forgot how during his captivity. In any case, it fits his character well that he doesn’t chat freely. It does make it harder for the readers to figure him out though so at times I would like some more insight into his thoughts. For example when Morison heard the hissing sound that came from him and didn’t know what was wrong – I don’t think you described that incident from Louie’s point of view so the readers didn’t know either, which meant that thread didn’t lead anywhere.

I started to wonder about Morison’s motives in this part. Previously it seemed that he was perhaps trying to help the kid regain his memories, or maybe get the revenge he thought he deserved, but there was one line here that made me think he maybe had something else in mind,

“He's here to claim what the others are, isn't he?”

That came out of nowhere and I wondered if that was Morison’s idea too, or at least if it was somewhere at the back of his mind. The concept would certainly be intriguing considering what Louie is.


*PenG* Suggestions:

These buildings carried the grace of upper class people with beautiful white edges
The wording seemed a little off. To me, this sounded like the upper class people had beautiful white edges. Perhaps it would work to change the word order, or a comma might make it clearer.

that Louie could quench his thirst for a few moments more.
I’m not sure you meant “quench” there, more something like “suppress” or “contain.”


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I was curious why people seemed to be expecting Morison and whom he was referring to when he asked,

“Have the others arrived?”

It sounded like he had planned more than just to let the prince visit the graves, but what wasn’t clear. You have obviously given this story a lot of thought but I wonder if you’re always letting the readers in on it at the right time. Here, this snippet might work to make them want to read on, but if there is too much that remains unsaid they might feel they’re not getting the gist of the story. I deliberately haven’t read ahead because I didn’t want to know things that were only explained later on, and I assume that this question will be answered in the next chapter, but there were some things earlier that didn’t seem to get answered, like why the king wanted to see Morison. I don’t think there was a word limit for this tale so it might be beneficial to expand the narrative and explain some things in more detail to make sure the readers don’t accidentally miss something.


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