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 Review #4149860 |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I chose this story because the title and brief description sounded intriguing, but then I realised that there was only one entry in this book. You piqued my interest with this tale and I would like to read more! I was hooked after the prologue because the premise already looked quite unusual, and although at that point there was little indication where the story might be going, I was curious. Your descriptions were excellent at the beginning of the story. Both the ‘old’ man and the setting were easy to imagine, and especially how you described the narrator guessing his age and then finding out how old he really was worked well to make his appearance very clear to the readers. But also the details of the house and the porch were nicely done. It helped to tell the readers a little about his character although it became clear later that there was far more to it than just not paying attention to his own appearance or his living conditions. Again, the narrator did a good job describing what she saw, like the tear rolling down his cheek.  Suggestions: "Here, girl" he said, "Read my journal As the journal will be the main part of this tale, its introduction seemed a little understated. You briefly describe how it looked but I’m not sure if this line needs to come a couple sentence earlier. While the narrator was itching to open the book he gave her, the readers didn’t know what it was and only with this sentence did he invite her to read it. It seemed the wrong way around and considering its importance to the story it didn’t seem enough. "How many is all?" I asked He didn’t mention “all,” he just said “they.” Perhaps if you included the word in his line, “Until they all died” her reply would make more sense, or you could word her question differently.  Final Thoughts: I read the introduction to the story and I am somewhat familiar with that device so I think using the journal would work well. And again I am wishing that you had written or posted more here because after this introduction I would love to know where this is going. You have a great beginning and I hope you will continue this story. It sounds like a unique idea so far!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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